Monday, November 17, 2014

A Festive, Made-for-TV Christmas Movie Drinking Game

It snowed here so I started listening to the Mariah Carey Holiday station on Pandora. Then I had a candy cane. And then I watched The Mistle-Tones. I'm so ashamed. It's only November 17th and I've already watched 3 shitty Christmas movies. I think it makes me feel better about my transgressions to criticize the movies in my head, as if it doesn't count if I'm aware of how truly awful they are.

And "truly awful" is a great way to describe them. The Mistle-Tones, for instance, is even dumber than you would imagine, and I'm guessing you would imagine it's pretty dumb. Don't even get me started on this shithole called Christmas Crush I just watched. It stars Aaron Samuels as the allegedly uncool, platonic best friend of the main character, a goddamn hot guy that she's NEVER realized is hot. Please.

I was about 10 minutes into Holidaze when I had a revelation: All of these movies are the exact same thing. Perhaps that why I flock to them every Christmas Veteran's Day season. They're familiar. They're comfortable. Like a big ugly sweater, I know what to expect from a made-for-TV Christmas film. They're all so predictable, in fact, that you could really use a drinking game. Allow me.

Take a shot for each of the following:

  1. A career woman/man realizes there's more to life than their career.
  2. An old boyfriend or ex-husband becomes the love interest you never knew you needed.
  3. A group of people perform a Christmas song and dance for no apparent reason.
  4. People fall in love while ice skating, usually because the woman starts to fall and the man supports her, metaphorically and literally.
  5. An unlikely couple finds themselves standing under a sprig of mistletoe, briefly consider kissing each other, then scoff and turn away comedically.
  6. Someone sings or listens to "All I Want For Christmas Is You."
  7. You realize the plot is just an interpretation of A Christmas Carol, Cinderella, Groundhog Day, etc.
  8. Someone finds out they're dating Santa OR someone finds out they are Santa.
  9. Musical interlude with a cookie-baking and/or tree-trimming montage.
  10. People buy, wrap, and exchange gifts but you never actually get to see what's inside any of the boxes.
  11. Melissa Joan Hart shows up.
  12. Something magical/supernatural happens to the main character and they spend a lot of energy trying to hide it from everyone else because that makes sense.
  13. A snowstorm forces two people together and by the end of the movie they're soulmates.
  14. Women wear stylish sweaters and capelets outside instead of winter coats and the friggin space suits REAL people have to wear in the wintertime.
  15. A twenty-something goes home for the holidays and her parents express concern about her lack of a boyfriend.
  16. The movie ends before we even get to Christmas Day because what a letdown. 

Bonus Points:  Drink a whole bottle of eggnog and lament the end of the golden age of Hollywood for each of the following:

    * The main character wakes up in a whole new life and hates it so much until they realize they love it and then they magically get sent back to their old life.
    * The heroine slips and falls, juggles a huge stack of presents, or does something else adorably clumsy.
    * The prodigal main character goes home to some small town (he/she now lives in The City and can barely be bothered to grace those country bumpkins with his/her presence for Christmas) and then realizes The City is nowhere near as amazing and heartwarming as the small hometown which probably doesn't even have a Starbucks.
    * A cold-hearted person learns that putting up with your family is better than meeting any of your goals. (Seriously what do TV Christmas movies have against career-oriented individuals??)
    * Someone returns home for the holidays with a fake boyfriend/girlfriend because arriving single is literally worse than kidnapping someone and/or hiring an escort.

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