Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Secrets to a Happy Marriage

"This couple got married two years ago and you won't believe what they learned!" At the risk of sounding like an Upworthy post (or I guess now the new thing is Clickhole), I'd like to share with you the secrets to a happy marriage. I know the secrets because I've been married for two years as of this week, and therefore I am all-knowing when it comes to marital happiness. Usually I tell people to take my advice with a grain of salt, but this advice is guaranteed to bring you a lifetime of happiness.

Stop holding hands in public.
Sometimes when I see couples holding hands I glance wistfully at my husband's hand, which is not in my own, and recall happier times when we couldn't go anywhere unless it was hand-in-hand. After a while we gave that habit up because it was unnecessarily limiting. The asshats from 40 Days of Dating challenged themselves to hold hands for 8 hours straight, and it made everything more difficult, from going to the bathroom to doing handstands (which, seriously, isn't something you need to do, even if you have use of both hands). Plus, most couples have height discrepancies and different arm lengths, which makes walking hand-in-hand difficult. So stop pressuring yourself to hold hands and just enjoy your ability to freely swing your arms back and forth. It's liberating.

Embrace living in squalor.
When you're a kid, your parents have to threaten "taking away privileges" if you don't clean your room. In college, your housing situation mirrors an episode of Hoarders. When you get married, however, suddenly housework becomes A Thing. If one of you isn't pulling your weight when it comes to keeping things clean and tidy, you're a bad spouse. But why? If you can just agree that neither of you ever has to do any housework ever, you'll both be happier with yourselves and with each other. Trust me on this one. I've never been happier than I am now that my husband and I started living like animals.

Hate the same things.
My husband and I both hate this one cafe in Milwaukee, and we talk about our hatred for it all the time, despite the fact that neither of us has been there in at least 4 years and neither of us will ever be forced to go again. We just love hating it together because it brings us closer. It's a team building exercise. We don't even hate it for the same reason! He hates it because all the waiters have ironic villain mustaches and I hate it because all the meals include secret mayonnaise. But it doesn't matter, because we both love to hate it, which makes us love to love each other.

Watch a few TV shows together and a few separately.
Everyone knows TV is an integral part of any marriage. Oftentimes I feel as if it's the third member of ours. Having some shows in common is the ultimate bonding experience, and it gives you something to do when neither of you has anything interesting to say to the other. Without shared television experiences, my husband and I would be forced to talk to each other and thus forced to realize how inadequate a conversation partner the other is. It's also important to watch some shows separately, however, because you can bet your ass I wasn't planning my Orange is the New Black viewing around his schedule.

Only the big spoon can fart.
Memorize this. It's only logical.


  1. I love this post!! Happy Anniversary :-)

  2. Yes. Hating things together is integral to any great marriage. I've been married almost 8 years and hate brings us closer.

  3. Congrats on 2 years! I agree with all your posts! Although my parents watch nothing together and have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary...they sit in separate rooms and only meet each other when topping up their wine glasses...so there's always that option too! :)


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