Monday, March 31, 2014

5 Things Cavemen Wouldn't Understand

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with worrying about what other people would and would not understand. Perhaps it's because I spend an inordinate amount of time being confused, and I empathize with the hypothetical confusion of others. For instance, when I watched the Harry Potter movies with people who hadn't read the books, I couldn't stop badgering them with, "How could you possibly understand what was going on??" I also worry that my offspring will be unable to relate to old song lyrics.

Today, I'm going to tackle the things that cavemen (and probably cavewomen) wouldn't understand if they were to time travel to the present day. If that Geico caveman show is still airing, they can feel free to use this post as inspiration for an upcoming episode. And if they've already used this bit, well, clearly they didn't do a good job with it because their show looked horrible.

 Image via Chicago Now

5 Things Cavemen Wouldn't Understand
Why do people pay money to go to a place where they expend energy on fruitless pursuits, like spinning the wheels of a bike that goes nowhere or running on a moving track that, you guessed it, also goes nowhere? It would make sense if the gyms were harvesting the energy produced by these machines, and the exercisers were actually slaves being literally worked to death for their kinetic energy. But no, we pay them for the honor of the elliptical machine's company. A caveman would try to conserve as much of his energy as possible so he'd be in tip top shape at the office--which is to say, hunting for wooly mammoths or whatever. People today, however, have to consciously choose to expend energy at the gym, lest they become wooly mammoths themselves.

For the same reason, I don't think cavemen would understand the concept of "being on a diet." People today have fridges full of food that they can't eat because they bought it last month before they were gluten-free. They drive hungrily past fast food joints offering 99 cent tacos and choose to forgo the cheap, convenient, delicious meal in front of them (the trifecta!) because it's not healthy. "If there's food around, why shouldn't we eat it?" they'd wonder. Well, caveman, just take a look at the people who eat waffle tacos with reckless abandon and you'll get your answer. On the other hand, they'd probably be on board with the Paleo Diet. Or...would they?

Online Dating
People today sure do make everything more difficult for themselves. I have been in the presence of literally hundreds of people in public this week alone who could potentially make a good baby daddy for me, evolutionarily speaking, of course. So why don't I just seize the day/baby daddy while the getting is good? (Ignore the fact that I'm already married for the sake of this argument.) A caveman wouldn't think twice before wifing up some hot young thing (for example, me) he saw walking down the street. I assume. I don't really know history.

But us modern folks? We go home alone and log on to our computers, still alone, in order to find a mate. And once we find one, we have to "get to know them" in whatever way we think works best, and then finance a wedding, save for a down payment, build a career, and trek across Europe before we're ready to procreate. No caveman has the patience for all that.

Candy Crush Addictions
When I see how obsessed people get about Candy Crush, even I feel like I'm in a dystopian film. (See? I did say that.) People can't even wait for the bus without working on their Candy Crush levels. My husband can't even brush his teeth without having his cell phone in his other hand. A caveman would see that and be all "Wait...really, you guys? Seriously? You have nothing better going for you?"

A caveman who builds a time machine and figures out how to travel to 2014 is going to expect to see some pretty epic shit. He's going to assume that The Future is quite a different place. When he sees that we still keep warm in front of a fire on those cold winter nights (mmm, bear skin rug...) he'll probably have a similar reaction: "#Disappointing." Ditto for fur coats and man caves.

If there are any time-traveling cavemen reading this, I commend you for learning how to use a computer and choosing to support my humble blog. Please weigh in below and let me know if I have accurately captured your reactions to our modern society.

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