Thursday, January 9, 2014

The 5 People You Meet at the Gym

Over the summer, I wrote about the 5 people you meet in hell, and though the gym is many people's personal version of hell, the people you meet there are slightly different. And of course, by "meet," I mean "see," because no one actually meets people at the gym outside of Jersey Shore and Lifetime movies.

1: The Rock-Hard Guy
Something about rock-hard abs and buns of steel just makes me laugh. When I see Rock-Hard Guy checking out his rock-hardness in the mirror, I just feel embarrassed for his blatant display of musculature. RHG doesn't actually do much working out at the gym; instead, he prefers to do a few reps, spend 15 minutes pacing back and forth in front of the machine, and repeat. Rock-Hard Guy can often be seen wiping his shiny forehead with his tight t-shirt, "accidentally" exposing his abs to the world. Another name for RHG is Glistening Guy (GG). All Rock-Hard Guys are also glistening, all the time. Fat people sweat; rock-hard people glisten. It's weird.

 Image via PopSugar
RHG prefers to be shirtless, if possible. It's just more comfortable for him that way.


2: The Bursting-at-the-Seams Guy
Not to be confused with Rock-Hard Guy, Bursting-at-the-Seams Guy is ripped beyond belief, while Rock-Hard Guy is believably ripped. While RHG is a lean, mean athletic machine, BatSG is literally too big for his britches and has to stick with the free weight machines because he no longer has the agility required to operate an elliptical machine, given his bulbous muscles. Picture the largest muscles imaginable, then double them. That's what Bursting-at-the-Seams Guy's arms look like, straining the very fabric of his hoodie. That's right; even his hoodie is too small to keep his bulging biceps at bay. He has an hourglass figure...on his leg. BatSG is usually found stretching his arms and legs wildly as he makes his way to the locker room, grunting with each laborious step.

Image via Fitness Expose
Curvaceous!

3: Creeps Who Watch You on the Hip Abductor Machine
I know, I know--the hip abductor/adductor machine (also known as the Spread 'em Machine) isn't even good for you. But I gotta get that thigh gap so I can wear Lululemon! Plus it's the only weight machine I know how to use (insert joke here, I guess). Sometimes guys like to watch girls use this machine because they are sick sons of bitches who can't get a girlfriend. Sometimes I'm scared to walk back to my car alone after my workout because these creeps could be following me. I guess that's just the plight of the woman. #DownWithThePatriarchy

Image via Fit Geek
When I do it, I wear baggy sweatpants, so I don't know what there is to see.

4: People Who Can't Afford Cable
I admit, this person is actually me. I hadn't watched VH1 since the days of Tila Tequila, but after joining the gym, a whole new world of Mob Wives was opened to me. I spend a little extra time on the elliptical when it's on, which is all day every day, because I can't get enough of their girl fights. And since I can't figure out how to get the audio to play through my headphones, I'm having a little trouble following the plot. Is one of them a man, or no?

 Image via Huffington Post
Wait, are there Mob Husbands in this picture?

5: People Who Don't Look Like They Go to the Gym
This is also me. When I used to go to the gym in college, I always felt uncomfortable because I didn't look like I belonged there. I wasn't rock-hard or bursting-at-the-seams or even thin. I was always sweaty, never glistening, and couldn't figure out how to work any of the machines (other than the spread 'em, obviously). So I was pleasantly surprised to find that my new gym is full of people even fatter than me! It's great! At first I wondered what they were all doing there, since they were fat, but then I realized that it's a gym. Really what I should be asking is why all the skinny people are there. Shouldn't they be at home, watching TV and eating? That's what I'd be doing. If I had cable.

3 comments:

  1. I always watch something my husband doesn't approve of at the gym. Treadmill time = Kardashian time!

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  2. It's your reward for working out! Guilt-free since you're burning calories :)

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  3. I've gotten all of my media insight strictly from gym television for the last 5 years. Very astute gym synopsis:)

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