Oh hi, neighbor who hasn't stopped shoveling since 2013!
The high temperature for today is negative 12 degrees. But according to the weather man, it will "feel like negative 50." I'm not sure what negative 50 degrees feels like, but I'm guessing it's similar to how it feels when you get out of the shower and realize you've forgotten a towel, so you stand there shivering and naked for a few minutes while you contemplate your options, trying to remember if you left the blinds open or if its safe to make a mad dash to the linen closet in your birthday suit. You finally decide to risk it, and when you open the door, a gust of cold air hits your nude-as-the-day-you-were-born flesh. You grab a cold towel from the closet and struggle to wrap it around yourself, dropping it a few times because you've lost dexterity in your cold, dead fingers, and finally look up and realize that not only did you leave the blinds open, but there's a surprise party being thrown in your house, in your honor, and all of the attendees have just seen you naked. That's what I imagine negative 50 feels like.
At some point today, the wind chill will move from negative 50 to 49 below, and I'm sure we'll all cheer at the heat wave. How do meteorologists determine a "feels like" temperature anyway? Do they set a freezer to the actual forecast temperature (negative 20), stick their face inside and say "wow, that really feels more like negative 50"? Isn't "feels like" subjective? It's pretty much felt like 50 below to me since Thanksgiving.
My rule of thumb: If, on your way to work, you decide you'd rather die and go to hell because at least it's warmer there, the temperature is "bitter cold." We don't need more of a forecast than that. "Temperatures should shift tomorrow to 'bitter cold' levels," weathermen will say, "but expect things to return to normal levels of 'effing cold' and 'why do I live in Wisconsin?' by Wednesday."
The one good thing about extreme weather is that it gives people something to talk about. I talked about the negative 50 expected wind chill with at least six people this weekend, and I'm blogging about it now. I tell anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that I have to exist in these extreme conditions, as if they aren't in the same boat. And by "boat," I mean tundra. People can't get enough of it. "Can you believe it'll be bitter cold this week?" they love to say. "It's January in Wisconsin, and it's cold. Riveting!" Weather.com also can't believe its luck that there has been so much extreme weather lately. Every article on their site talks about how this is record-breaking bitter cold, the coldest since winter of 2013! "We haven't experienced temperatures this low yet this year," they say on January 2nd.
My only consolation is that the family members I have in California, Florida and Texas are in it with us this time. They always talk about how they had to turn on the heat because it hit 60 degrees and I'm like WHATEVER. I hope they enjoy the bitter cold of 34 degrees! Muahahaha! Those asses.
Stay warm, everyone!