Monday, January 6, 2014

Bitter Cold

It's bitter cold outside right now. The snow that's quite literally been falling all year has frozen into a concrete slab, making my yard a good three feet higher than it usually is. It's like I finally have the backyard deck I always dreamed of! The paper snowflakes I hung on my windows last month mock me for tempting fate. "You think we're so cute and festive now?" they seem to say. I'm just glad I didn't hang the glittery "Let it Snow!" sign I was thinking of making. Trust me, you don't have to "let it snow" around here; it just happens on its own. Plus, ain't nobody got time to clean up glitter.

 Oh hi, neighbor who hasn't stopped shoveling since 2013!


The high temperature for today is negative 12 degrees. But according to the weather man, it will "feel like negative 50." I'm not sure what negative 50 degrees feels like, but I'm guessing it's similar to how it feels when you get out of the shower and realize you've forgotten a towel, so you stand there shivering and naked for a few minutes while you contemplate your options, trying to remember if you left the blinds open or if its safe to make a mad dash to the linen closet in your birthday suit. You finally decide to risk it, and when you open the door, a gust of cold air hits your nude-as-the-day-you-were-born flesh. You grab a cold towel from the closet and struggle to wrap it around yourself, dropping it a few times because you've lost dexterity in your cold, dead fingers, and finally look up and realize that not only did you leave the blinds open, but there's a surprise party being thrown in your house, in your honor, and all of the attendees have just seen you naked. That's what I imagine negative 50 feels like.

At some point today, the wind chill will move from negative 50 to 49 below, and I'm sure we'll all cheer at the heat wave. How do meteorologists determine a "feels like" temperature anyway? Do they set a freezer to the actual forecast temperature (negative 20), stick their face inside and say "wow, that really feels more like negative 50"? Isn't "feels like" subjective? It's pretty much felt like 50 below to me since Thanksgiving.

My rule of thumb: If, on your way to work, you decide you'd rather die and go to hell because at least it's warmer there, the temperature is "bitter cold." We don't need more of a forecast than that. "Temperatures should shift tomorrow to 'bitter cold' levels," weathermen will say, "but expect things to return to normal levels of 'effing cold' and 'why do I live in Wisconsin?' by Wednesday."

The one good thing about extreme weather is that it gives people something to talk about. I talked about the negative 50 expected wind chill with at least six people this weekend, and I'm blogging about it now. I tell anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that I have to exist in these extreme conditions, as if they aren't in the same boat. And by "boat," I mean tundra. People can't get enough of it. "Can you believe it'll be bitter cold this week?" they love to say. "It's January in Wisconsin, and it's cold. Riveting!" Weather.com also can't believe its luck that there has been so much extreme weather lately. Every article on their site talks about how this is record-breaking bitter cold, the coldest since winter of 2013! "We haven't experienced temperatures this low yet this year," they say on January 2nd.

My only consolation is that the family members I have in California, Florida and Texas are in it with us this time. They always talk about how they had to turn on the heat because it hit 60 degrees and I'm like WHATEVER. I hope they enjoy the bitter cold of 34 degrees! Muahahaha! Those asses.

Stay warm, everyone!

9 comments:

  1. My husband is looking for jobs up in the northern tundra, and all I have to say is that I'm probably going to die up there. My thin Texas blood doesn't know how to deal with wind chill.

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    1. Don't do it! I'm moving to California as soon as I get the chance. Which will, admittedly, be in like 5 years or more. I don't know how I'll handle another 5 years of this.

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  2. I am NOT missing the north right now. Seriously, what does -50 feel like anyways? At a certain point it doesn't even matter anymore. It's just fucking cold. And it's not Wisconsin, but with my parents' town was reporting a wind chill of -24 I am incredibly grateful for the "cold" 30 degree weather we've been getting here in NC. Stay warm!

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    1. Yeah I'm pretty sure it all feels the same after like 17 degrees. But in this kind of weather you have to worry about frostbite. Apparently there is a risk of frost bite to any exposed skin after only 5 minutes outside today. That ain't right.

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  3. I agree with everything. And also cracked up several times. I can't stopping about how cold it is and I can feel people thinking, "Yea, we know. Do you think we walked through a sunny summer on the way here?" But I still just keep talking about how it's really cold. In case you didn't know.

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    1. I think everyone loves talking about extreme weather because it makes them feel like they're in a real-life sharknado or The Day After Tomorrow or some other armageddon movie.

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  4. Hahahahahaha. It's 28 here in Houston and we're practically dying of frostbite. I wore 3 coats to work yesterday.

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    1. I miss 28 degrees...sorry I called you Texans asses lol

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  5. My dad walked to work yesterday (granted, it's a short walk) and said it wasn't that bad (at -50ish windchill. I told he needs to go to a doctor, cause that's crazy talk.

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