Friday, January 3, 2014

9 Reasons I'm Glad the Holidays are Over

It's about that time of year when a lot of us could use a pick-me-up/reason to get out of bed in the morning. What was once "Christmas cheer" is suddenly "an alcohol dependency," and Christmas generosity is now debt. That pile of gifts from Santa is now just contributing to your household clutter. It sucks. So I decided to come up with a list of reasons why I'm glad the holidays are over. Don't get me wrong--there's nothing good about this time of year. Nothing. But I needed to give myself a way to get through the next three months without being a miserable cretin. You can alternatively refer to list as "9 Lies We Tell Ourselves to Get Through Winter."

1: Spring will be here soon, which means summer will show up eventually, which means it'll be Christmastime again at some point in the future. And that is something worth celebrating.

2: You don't have to feel guilty about not going outside. I love going outside when it's warm and sunny out. But sometimes I just want to sit inside watching The Bachelorette, eating, or writing crap on the internet. I feel guilty doing this when it's nice out, but luckily, right now it's effing bitter cold and it hasn't stopped snowing since before I can remember.

I can't even remember what it's like to see greenery in my yard, let alone slugs leaving a trail of slime in their wake.

3: It's awards show season! I love awards shows more than life itself or even cake, and this season is chock full of them. The best part is that you can throw on some jammies and go to town on a pint of ice cream while laughing at all the skinny celebs who probably haven't eaten in days, strapped into their tight dresses.

4: Speaking of food, there's a cookie abundance. Everyone exchanges cookies during the holidays, and post-holidays is the time to consume them. It's great having cookies around; as soon as I have a depressing thought (such as, "If that groundhog sees his goddamn shadow I'm shooting that mother f***** in the head.") I just grab a cookie and all is well.

 This is all that's left of our stash. I guess I've had a pretty great cookie need this year.

5: No more "Wonderful Christmastime" or the James Taylor version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside," which is somehow even more terrible than the other versions, which are pretty terrible to begin with. At least not until next year.

6: You don't have to shave your legs until at least April. I don't know about you, but my current uniform involves three pairs of pants layered on top of each other. It's been figuratively generations since these legs have seen the light of day.

7: After-Christmas sales. Sure, I spent a lot of money and got a lot of nice gifts for Christmas this year. But there's always room for more.

8: Valentines Day is right around the corner, in case you're looking for another holiday to fail to meet your expectations or remind you of how much you hate your life.

9: You can declare bankruptcy on your Christmas to-do's. I spent some time on Pinterest this holiday season and emerged with a mile-long list of twee crafts to make to decorate my home for the holidays. I completed approximately one thing on the list, these trees:

My fat bear and squirrel needed a Christmasy habitat.

Now that it's almost time to pack up the Christmas decor, I no longer have any need to finish the rest of the tasks. I even smashed my half-finished gingerbread house to smithereens before dumping it in the trash, which was pretty satisfying. I felt like Godzilla.

So. The holidays are over and I couldn't be happier about it. Really. What other reasons make this the real most wonderful time of the year?

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