Wednesday, January 1, 2014

10 Douchiest Douchebags of 2013: Part 2

 
Check out Part 1 if you missed it, and read the exciting conclusion below!

Anthony Weiner
Anthony Weiner's name, coupled with his weinerish antics involving his weiner, was probably the greatest gift to bloggers and journalists this world has ever seen. Nothing, and I mean nothing, about 2013 was better than all the punny headlines this story spawned. Why he felt the need to change his name to Carlos Danger when sending unsolicited dick pics is beyond me; "Weiner" more than gets the job done. The worst part about this dick, I mean weiner, is that he did the exact same thing in 2011, got caught, apologized, etc. Then he tried to stage a political comeback. After two months, he couldn't help himself any longer--he had to send out another dick pic, and pronto! And so he did. I have a public service announcement to the Anthony Penises of the world: NO ONE wants to see your dick. Stop trying to make dick pics happen. They're never going to be anything other than something girls laugh at and show to their friends.


Justin Bieber
Do I even have to explain why he made the list? I think a photo will suffice, honestly.

Image via The Phoenix News

But if you need more context, in addition to looking like a douche, the Biebs also abandoned his pet monkey in Germany, threatened to beat a papparazzo, and graffitied a hotel in Queensland. Oh, and he also visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, and his key takeaway was, "Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber." Perhaps she would have been, Justin, but that doesn't excuse your drop-crotch pants.

Lance Armstrong
Not good enough to win the Tour de France seven times? No problem! That doesn't mean you aren't entitled to win it seven times! Just start doping and all your problems are solved. Don't feel guilty about it though; everyone who's anyone is doing it. Cheating is just the way the world works. Just ask Tiger Woods.

Simon Cowell
This was a big year for the music industry's most infamous asshole. Simon Cowell turned his friend into a pitiful cuckold when he stole the guy's wife and stereotypically impregnated her. Because somehow, after a lifetime of successfully using birth control, the man couldn't figure out how to use it when it mattered most. That's right folks: the jerk's gonna be someone's dad soon. And if that's not douchey enough for you, just think back to all the dreams he douchily crushed when he appeared on American Idol.

Kanye West
Mr. Kardashian gave a douchey radio interview this fall wherein he made himself sound like an even bigger asshat than ever before, saying things like "It’s funny, you drive in a Maybach past a homeless person and your ask yourself: Who’s more free?" and "Dopeness is what I like most." Jimmy Kimmel made fun of the interview on his show, because comedy, which Kanye didn't like very much. Thank Yeezus for Twitter so Kanye could air his grievances publicly:

If that wasn't enough, Kanye West also had the audacity to compare the danger level of his career (rapper and occasional ridiculous person) to that of cops and soldiers. "I'm just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally," he said, illustrating his knowledge of the newest definition of "literally."

2013 sure was a douchey year, and I'm sure 2014 won't disappoint either. Which of your favorite douches did I miss?

4 comments:

  1. This list is so spot on! Ugh Justin Bieber, I can't even.

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  2. You've seriously read my mind with this list. Kanye is the. worst. He needs to go away.

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    Replies
    1. Interestingly, Kanye was also on the 2009 list!

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