Monday, December 30, 2013

My Most Awkward Moments of 2013

I love all the end-of-the-year lists going around right now. My favorite things in life are nostalgia, listicles, and wine, so two out of three is pretty damn guaranteed to get my click. Before I get to Part 2 of the Douchiest Douchbags of 2013, here are my own personal awkward moments from the year.

1: Slipping on ice for about ten minutes before hurtling into my own parked car. This just happened a few minutes ago, actually. If you recall, this has happened to me in the past, but no matter how much life experience one accumulates with icy roads, there's really no way to avoid slipping on it. It's like death and taxes and banana peels.

2: That time a waiter at a restaurant asked if I was done with my food, and I looked down at the plate, which had been basically licked clean, and said, "Uh, yeah, I think I'm done."

 Not this plate. But I'd lick this plate right now if given the opportunity.

3: When my hairdresser found paint in my hair and asked if I'd been painting recently. "Not for several weeks," I say, even though the logical action would have been to lie and say I'd been painting that very day because I'm an artiste who doesn't have the time to worry about petty things like hair.

4: When my dental hygienist found a raspberry seed in my tooth, which she thought was the most hilarious thing ever. She told everyone who would listen about how hilarious it was, including the hot dentist who IS MY AGE. (How are dentists my age? How?)

5: That time I asked my neighbors if they liked to play with dolls, in the creepiest voice imaginable. When they said yes, I gave them some decapitated doll heads.

6: When the guy at the oil change shop asked me to pop the hood and I didn't know how, so I fumbled around for a while, turning on the brights, windshield wipers, and popping the trunk. Finally he said, "May I?" and reached his hand into my car and popped it himself with some sort of mysterious, invisible lever that I've never seen before or since.

7: Pretty much anything involving the poop scale: the time I ordered a print of it at Walgreens and had to face the guy who had printed it for me, the time the plumber came to look at our bathroom and graciously didn't say anything about it, etc.
Image via Wikipedia

8: Getting my wisdom teeth out and laughing alone in the exam room as The Eagles played in the background.

9: When I defamed Nissan on Twitter and had to talk to someone from Nissan on the phone about it. "I understand there was a tweet?" she said.

10: Begging everyone I know to buy my book and posting about it shamelessly on the internet. I will continue to do this until I hit my minimum so I can finally earn a few bucks from that book.

Here's to an equally awkward 2014!

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