Thursday, December 26, 2013

10 Douchiest Douchebags of 2013: Part 1

Back in the early days of my blog, I wrote a post recapping the douchebaggery of 2009. It seems like an ancient relic now (Spencer Pratt made the list...whatever happened to that douche?) so I decided to update it for 2013. It's not like there wasn't enough douchebaggery this year to warrant a post, amirite? To keep up with the waning collective attention span, I'll be splitting the post into two parts so that you don't have to invest the time to sit down and read through all ten of the douchebags in one sitting. You're welcome.

Without further ado, in no particular order, I give you...

10 Douchiest Douches of 2013: Part 1

Chip Wilson
The founder of Lululemon, a store that sells overpriced yoga pants to stay-at-home mommies who have more money than they know what to do with, is a douchebag. If making a crappy product and tricking people into overpaying for it isn't douchey; it's marketing finesse. But when people complain that their Lululemon pants are see-through and retail workers instruct them to "bend over and prove it," (not a direct quote) your company is a douchebag. And when customers say, "Hey, wait a minute. I spent $100 on a pair of workout pants so I could go to Whole Foods in comfort and style, but now they're falling apart. What gives?" you should probably just admit defeat. Not Chip Wilson. He defaults to our favorite enemy, the thigh gap: "Frankly, some women's bodies just don't actually work [for Lululemon yoga pants]," Wilson said. "It's about the rubbing through the thighs and how much pressure is there." Straight from the mouths of douches: If you want to do yoga, you sure as hell better get in shape first.

 Image via CBS News
Mrs. Hall
I haven't included a lady douche on this list before, but there's no time like 2013 for gender equality. Mrs. Hall, the blogger behind "FYI (if you're a teenage girl)" is one of the guys when it comes to douchbaggery. In September of 2013, Mrs. Hall took it upon herself to shame all of her teenage sons' female Facebook friends for posting selfies in skimpy jammies and subjecting her poor, innocent sons' eyes to them. "Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it?" Mrs. Hall writes. "You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?" I feel sorry for Mrs. Hall's sons, not only because they have her as a mother, but because they will clearly need to be kept in cages for the rest of their lives to save them from their own impulses. Shame on those young girls for tempting her rabid sons like that! Don't these slutty girls know how hard it is to be a teenage boy??? (pun not intended)

George Zimmerman
Regardless of where you stand on the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin case, suffice it to say the guy is a douche. In September, Zimmerman's wife called the cops claiming he had assaulted her and had a gun. He may or may not have actually assaulted her, and he didn't actually have a gun. So maybe the guy's not so bad, right? Flash forward to November, and the guy somehow managed to get a girlfriend, who also called the cops on him. This time, he actually did have a gun. Fool me once, George Zimmerman, and shame on me. Fool me twice, and you're a douchebag.

"You hate me! You really hate me!"
Robin Thicke
I didn't want to hate Robin Thicke. His up-tempo summer jam, Blurred Lines, basically made the year worth living for me. Plus, he's #Thicke. Even as he sang "I know you want it. I know you want it," I stopped myself from crying "SEXIST!" because the song was so good that maybe I did want it! But then he said "What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman. I've never gotten to do that before." I'm glad he got to check that off his bucket list. Even if this comment was sarcastic or satirical or what have you, he still twerked with Miley like an Uncle Beetlejuice creep at the VMAs, to which I say "Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag."

Phil Robertson
I hated Duck Dynasty even before Phil Robertson decided to clear the cobwebs/beard from his face and speak his mind. I don't get why these hillbillies with beards are allowed to have a show, and I don't know why 11.8 million people tune in to watch this tripe. I suppose I should understand, as a former Jersey Shore fan, but I don't. At least Snookie and The Situation seemed to be in on the joke! Anyway, Robertson was quoted in GQ saying a number of offensive (racist, homophobic, the usual suspects) remarks, including: “It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” What an asshole/man's anus!

Image via Parade
You can hide, but you can't run, Phil.

Check out Part 2!

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