Monday, December 30, 2013

My Most Awkward Moments of 2013

I love all the end-of-the-year lists going around right now. My favorite things in life are nostalgia, listicles, and wine, so two out of three is pretty damn guaranteed to get my click. Before I get to Part 2 of the Douchiest Douchbags of 2013, here are my own personal awkward moments from the year.

1: Slipping on ice for about ten minutes before hurtling into my own parked car. This just happened a few minutes ago, actually. If you recall, this has happened to me in the past, but no matter how much life experience one accumulates with icy roads, there's really no way to avoid slipping on it. It's like death and taxes and banana peels.

2: That time a waiter at a restaurant asked if I was done with my food, and I looked down at the plate, which had been basically licked clean, and said, "Uh, yeah, I think I'm done."

 Not this plate. But I'd lick this plate right now if given the opportunity.

3: When my hairdresser found paint in my hair and asked if I'd been painting recently. "Not for several weeks," I say, even though the logical action would have been to lie and say I'd been painting that very day because I'm an artiste who doesn't have the time to worry about petty things like hair.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

10 Douchiest Douchebags of 2013: Part 1

Back in the early days of my blog, I wrote a post recapping the douchebaggery of 2009. It seems like an ancient relic now (Spencer Pratt made the list...whatever happened to that douche?) so I decided to update it for 2013. It's not like there wasn't enough douchebaggery this year to warrant a post, amirite? To keep up with the waning collective attention span, I'll be splitting the post into two parts so that you don't have to invest the time to sit down and read through all ten of the douchebags in one sitting. You're welcome.

Without further ado, in no particular order, I give you...

10 Douchiest Douches of 2013: Part 1

Chip Wilson
The founder of Lululemon, a store that sells overpriced yoga pants to stay-at-home mommies who have more money than they know what to do with, is a douchebag. If making a crappy product and tricking people into overpaying for it isn't douchey; it's marketing finesse. But when people complain that their Lululemon pants are see-through and retail workers instruct them to "bend over and prove it," (not a direct quote) your company is a douchebag. And when customers say, "Hey, wait a minute. I spent $100 on a pair of workout pants so I could go to Whole Foods in comfort and style, but now they're falling apart. What gives?" you should probably just admit defeat. Not Chip Wilson. He defaults to our favorite enemy, the thigh gap: "Frankly, some women's bodies just don't actually work [for Lululemon yoga pants]," Wilson said. "It's about the rubbing through the thighs and how much pressure is there." Straight from the mouths of douches: If you want to do yoga, you sure as hell better get in shape first.

 Image via CBS News

Saturday, December 14, 2013

A Classic Christmas Gift Fool

How did Christmas gift-giving originally start? Was it the gold, frankincense and myrrh given to baby Jesus by the three wise men? Or was that just a descriptive detail made up by the author of the bible because his creative writing workshop told him he needed to include more imagery in his work?

Buying gifts for people always gives me anxiety, especially at Christmastime when you have to buy something for everyone you know. The real problem is figuring out what to get everyone on my list. I think the whole point of buying gifts is to show someone that you were thinking of them. Like "I saw this commemorative Two and a Half Men plate at Target and thought of you, so here you go!" But Christmas kind of ruins that sentiment because you have a deadline and you're only buying people gifts because you know you'll feel like a classic fool if they get you something and you don't give anything in return.

 I'm a classic fool.