Sunday, November 24, 2013

A Horror Movie for Every Holiday

I'm not so big on horror movies. I'm just not that into watching people get hunted down and killed in a number of cruel and unusual ways. Weird, I know. America's pastimes are basically just eating, baseball, and horror films, and, well, at least I like food.

I also really like holidays--any holiday. Of course I love the usual suspects--Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Halloween--and I even observe some of the lesser-known holidays like National I Want Butterscotch Day and Arbor Day (when else can you dress like a tree, amirite?). The movie industry agrees with me. Or rather, the horror movie industry agrees with me. I can tell, because there's a horror movie (or ten) for almost every holiday imaginable. The jury is still out on National I Want Butterscotch Day, but all it takes is someone reading this blog and deciding to make a B movie about killer butterscotch and we can cross that one off the list too.

 Image via Listverse
Interesting that a killer Santa Claus is played by a Jewish wrestler. Well played.

Christmas:
The Christmas horror movie industry is the most prolific of them all, unless you count Halloween. Hollywood (or whoever is responsible for low-budget horror VHS tapes) loves turning the most wonderful time of the year into the scariest time of year. And why not? Santa Claus is easily one of the creepiest "good guys" out there, along with the Easter bunny. The holiday is rife with puns for the taking, and movie makers have certainly been taking. Consider Santa Claws, which I assume is about a mutant Santa with sharp nails that he uses to kill children who sit on his lap at the mall. I didn't actually read the synopses of these movies because even that is too scary for me.

Then there's Santa's Slay, a movie that is likely about Santa running people down with his sleigh and finishing the job with a machete. And we can't forget the many puns on "Silent Night": Silent Night, Bloody Night; Silent Night, Deadly Night; and Silent Night, Deadly Night Parts 2, 3 (Better Watch Out!) and 4. If there's anything we can learn from these cinematic masterpieces, it's that Santa truly does see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. And he's coming to town. To kick some ass.

4th of July:
Almost all 90s teen slasher movies seem to have a 4th of July scene in them, but Uncle Sam (tagline: I want you...Dead!) really took it a step further. I'm going to assume this gem is about a tax evader who gets stalked and tortured by an underappreciated, underachieving IRS employee who dresses in patriotic garb and says things like "Nothing can be said to be certain except death...and taxes!"

Image via Pop Matters

Thanksgiving:
We are watching Thankskilling this year, a movie about a crazed, murderous turkey. The movie cover is enough to make anyone want to watch it--besides a peek at what the face of a homicidal turkey looks like, we are also informed that there will be boobs in the very first second. Also the tagline might go down in history as one of the cleverest move taglines of all time: Gobble, gobble, mother f***er. Apparently the turkey, named Turkie, has a very fowl mouth. Love it.

Image via IMDB

Halloween:
See "every horror movie ever."

New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day:
Remember those two movies someone decided to make that included nearly every famous person in Hollywood? I think they were called something clever like New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Anyway, the acting and writing in those films was scary enough to garner a spot on this list. But if you're looking for gruesome holiday fun, I give you New Years Evil (Don't you dare make New Year's resolutions...unless you plan to live!) and the many iterations of My Bloody Valentine, which is also the name of a Good Charlotte song and an Irish 80s band.

April Fools Day:
There are almost more movies with the "April Fools" in the title than there are people who read this blog. Almost all of them are horror films about people getting fooled into being killed ("the joke was on them," "who has the last laugh now," etc. if we're brainstorming taglines).

Groundhog Day:
Bill Murray is horrifying. Bill Murray is in a film called Groundhog Day, wherein the audience must watch him relive the same events over and over. Thus, Groundhog Day is a horror film. 


From writing this post, I have learned two things: no holiday is safe from being ruined, either by low-budget film-makers, Bill Murray, or the inevitable evanescence of youth, and that I should really get a job writing taglines for said films.

1 comment:

  1. We watched Thankskilling last year...I think it's on Netflix - at least it was last year. Great pick, you'll love it.

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