Tuesday, October 22, 2013

How Kanye Could Have Proposed

Kanye West's proposal to Kim Kardashian made me feel many feels--jealousy, trepidation, apathy, confusion...mostly confusion. He rented out AT&T Park to propose to her on the Jumbotron--but there wasn't even an event going on. There were no other guests at the stadium (besides the ever-present Kardashian family, who popped out at the end). Why the Jumbotron if it's just the two of you? Why did Kanye hire an orchestra to play Lana Del Ray, as if she is somehow the apex of romantic music? And why he did he spell out "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!" instead of, you know, spelling it correctly?

 Image via USAToday

So yeah, I'd say I'm a little confused. Perplexed even. It got me thinking about all the other ways Chris could have proposed to me that would have been even better, though certainly more perplexing, than the way he chose.

My first choice involves squirrels, obviously. I would have liked for him to select a feral squirrel from the Milwaukee wilderness and spend several weeks training it amid the dulcet tones of the Rocky soundtrack. He'd teach it to box, speak, and make a souffle, all while wearing a miniature squirrel wifebeater. When the time came, he'd bring me outside, possibly to the lakefront like he planned all along, and do a squirrel whistle/mating call. Kind of like a "ca-caw! ca-caw!" sound. The now-trained squirrel (named Big Chad for no reason--Chris said "I just thought of the first squirrelly name that came to mind") would come running, panting like a dog, and stop at my feet. Chris would say "What's that around its neck?" and I'd bend down and discover that a 14 carat diamond ring was attached to its fur. Assuming it was for me, I'd slip it on my finger and turn to see Chris, down on one knee, saying "Squirrel you marry me?"

Image via Funny Junk
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight!

Another option would be a flash mob because it would be soooo early 2000s or whatever our kids will call this decade. They'd probably learn about flash mobs in history class and be able to tell the historical tale of how their parents got engaged via a flash mob. Knowing Chris, this wouldn't be your average, run-of-the-mill flash mob. First, the song would have to be something special, like the Thunder in Paradise theme song. He'd choreograph the dance himself, with the help of Kevin Federline, who he paid $200 and a bucket of fried chicken to fly to Milwaukee and train him. The dance would include all of my favorite overly-literal mime dances like the shopping cart, fishing pole, sprinkler, etc. At one point, everyone involved in the dance would arrange themselves like bowling pins, and Chris would become the bowling ball, rolling toward them and knocking them all down. After everyone was down, he'd stand up, a man amongst men, and sing "Will you be my wife?" to the tune of "Thunder in Paradise!"

Image via IMDB
Yes, this is a real thing.

The third option involves the Heimlich maneuver. Now, I'm not a big fan of choking, but when it happens to other people it's hilarious. Chris would know this, and set up the proposal seamlessly. We'd go to a classy restaurant, the kind that requires men to wear shirts, shoes, and pocket squares, and he'd ask the maitre d' to slip the ring into someone's chocolate mousse. It wouldn't be in my chocolate mousse, but in the mousse belonging to the man at the next table over. When dessert rolled around, Chris and I would be enjoying our own mousse quietly, when all of a sudden we hear a loud hacking sound. The man would be hopping up and down, clutching his throat, and gagging. Next thing you know, Chris is out of his seat, performing the Heimlich on the poor man. "My heeeerooo!" I'd gasp, for some reason in a southern drawl. After a few good thrusts, the ring dislodges from the man's throat and flies through the air in slow motion, catching the light perfectly, and somehow landing on my outstretched ring finger. It's still covered in chocolate mousse and a stranger's saliva, but it sure is a beaut. "What do ya say? Marry me?" he asks as he struggles to catch his breath.

 Believe it or not, I drew this myself.

How would you like to get proposed to, in your wildest dreams?


  1. This is awesome. Had I read it prior to happy hour last night, I'd have been a much more interesting part of the squirrel proposal conversation. Way to win.

  2. Ok, first off I didn't even know they had gotten engaged, so thank you for educating my ignorant ass. And second, anyone that didn't choose the squirrel proposal is just lying, it is perfection.


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