Thursday, October 10, 2013

Every Driver Sucks Except Me

Today I want to talk about road rage. Specifically the fact that I am the most hateful person you've ever met when I have a steering wheel in my vitriolic little paws. After Chris and I bought our house last winter, the town was like "Surprise! We're going to do construction on every inch of road between your home and office at the same time, starting now and finishing about the time you guys move out."


My commute to work took 45 minutes this morning. I live two miles away. I've decided that a long commute over two miles is exponentially worse than a long commute over, say, 20 miles. When I can literally see my office out my windshield but know it'll be the better part of an hour before I can dust off the ol' keyboard and get some work done, I feel like punching someone in the throat.


The problem isn't necessarily the traffic or the construction or even the amount of time it takes me to drive those two miles. The real problem is that every single driver on every single road at any given time is a terrible driver, except me. How did I happen to become the only good driver in the world? I have no clue, but it's a heavy cross to bear. Sure, I make mistakes sometimes, but mine are understandable, excusable. These other asshats who think they're people make egregious moving violations on the reg. There is no excuse for them. For example:

When construction causes the lanes to get all wonky, many drivers decide to just disregard the lane markings completely. Sure, the road shifts left, but why should I have to shift left along with it? they think. It's a free country. So they continue going straight, right into my lane, and I'm expected to let them in politely? As the great Cher Horowitz once said, "I don't think so." Now, sometimes I get confused about what lane I'm in, because these lane markings truly are wonky. It's like an advanced level of Mario Kart up in here! So occasionally I'll drift into the wrong lane if I'm not accustomed to the new "traffic pattern." But when I do it, it's because I'm confused, not because I'm an asshat. Do you see the distinction?

Then there's the people who try to get in front of me by driving in a lane they know is going to end soon, then cutting in front of me later on. These people are confused about which traffic laws apply to which drivers. Let me help you out, asshats: the laws apply to you too, even though your mom told you you're a speshul snowflake who could be anything you wanted to be when you grew up. Sometimes I do this, I admit, but it's only if I'm in a big hurry. It's different when it's me.

Don't even get me started on the people who just don't move their cars at all because they're too busy playing Candy Crush on their cell phone to notice the light's changed. Look, if you're distracted by your phone or hitting that high note in a Bruno Mars song or the drive-thru ice cream you couldn't wait to get home to eat, or whatever, you're not only being an inconsiderate driver, but you're a danger/menace to society. Put the phone down, stop downing out Bruno, and for God's sake, learn how to eat and drive at the same time. It's not hard. I've certainly done my fair share of it and you don't see me holding up traffic to lick an errant drop of soft-serve from my wrist. I'm a professional.

Look at how professionally I bit that piece of cake.

Who else is the only good driver on the road?

8 comments:

  1. People who drive up to the end of the lane when there have been "lane ending" signs for the past mile are the worst. They are creating traffic jams! If they followed the rules like everyone else, traffic would flow smoothly, but no; they just HAD to get to their destination 30 seconds faster...

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    1. I know! It reminds me of the whole "doping" problem in sports--if everyone could agree to stop doing it, it would be fine, but if you don't do it, you're putting yourself at a disadvantage because everyone else is doing it. STUPID.

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  2. I agree with you: PUT YOUR DANG PHONE AWAY. I got ridiculously pissed off the other day that the girl in the car next to me wasn't looking at the road because she neeed to check Facebook or whatever, and kept swerving into my lane and the one on the other side of her. Ugh, YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE.

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    1. Also, I was originally thinking this but forgot to write it because I got distracted writing my previous comment — if you live so close to your office, why don't you walk or bike when the weather's okay?

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    2. I actually did bike a lot this summer, but it's already too cold! I live in Wisconsin and I'm a huge wimp about the cold.

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  3. Yes, yes, and yes! This summer, it took us an hour to go half a mile in DC. And there was no construction. I was going to lose my shit. People in DC have hugely inflated egos, so they're constantly being asshats just to get a whole car length ahead of you in the stopped traffic. Don't get me started on parking lots either, I'm surprised I haven't witnessed a shooting in one yet.

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  4. Update: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Late_merge I stand corrected. I am, in fact, the asshat.

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  5. We had a natural disaster alongside one of our highways that totally destroyed a neighborhood and some landmarks-- I'll admit it was shocking and terrible to look at but we had bumper to bumper traffic for 3 miles everyday for like 5 months just because people had to slow down and stare. KILL!

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