Tuesday, October 22, 2013

How Kanye Could Have Proposed

Kanye West's proposal to Kim Kardashian made me feel many feels--jealousy, trepidation, apathy, confusion...mostly confusion. He rented out AT&T Park to propose to her on the Jumbotron--but there wasn't even an event going on. There were no other guests at the stadium (besides the ever-present Kardashian family, who popped out at the end). Why the Jumbotron if it's just the two of you? Why did Kanye hire an orchestra to play Lana Del Ray, as if she is somehow the apex of romantic music? And why he did he spell out "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!" instead of, you know, spelling it correctly?

 Image via USAToday

So yeah, I'd say I'm a little confused. Perplexed even. It got me thinking about all the other ways Chris could have proposed to me that would have been even better, though certainly more perplexing, than the way he chose.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Every Driver Sucks Except Me

Today I want to talk about road rage. Specifically the fact that I am the most hateful person you've ever met when I have a steering wheel in my vitriolic little paws. After Chris and I bought our house last winter, the town was like "Surprise! We're going to do construction on every inch of road between your home and office at the same time, starting now and finishing about the time you guys move out."

My commute to work took 45 minutes this morning. I live two miles away. I've decided that a long commute over two miles is exponentially worse than a long commute over, say, 20 miles. When I can literally see my office out my windshield but know it'll be the better part of an hour before I can dust off the ol' keyboard and get some work done, I feel like punching someone in the throat.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Why Do I Hate Zooey Deschanel?

I previously asked the internet why everyone hates Nickelback, a band that is fun to hate, who have become quite the cliche punchline, who solicits hatred so universally that it's almost become a team-building exercise to talk about why they suck.

But now I want to talk about a celebrity I hate that the rest of the world seems to love. And by "love" I mean they constantly trip over themselves trying to get one last compliment in about her freaking bangs. Yes, I'm talking about Zooey Deschanel.

 Image via IMDB

Much has been said about the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope and how stupid and annoying these characters are. So why aren't more people annoyed by Zooey Deschanel, who not only plays a MPDG in everything she's ever acted in (conjecture, as I haven't seen her whole body of work) but also plays one in real life? She exists so that guys can feel good about themselves: "See, I like quirky, funny girls! I'm not a one-dimensional guy who's just looking for a beautiful, thin woman who will keep her mouth shut." Except for the fact that Zooey's goddamn bangs and beautiful blue eyes and annoyingly perfect vintage dresses make her a regulation hottie, despite her so-called "awkwardness."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Bleak Aftermath of the Government Shutdown

Today's guest post was written by my esteemed colleague, Paige Watts.

So, the topic on everyone’s mind today—the government shutdown last night. I’ve been keeping tabs all day on the updates, so rest assured you’re getting 100% fact-checked information here.

Alright, everyone unbunch your panties. I’m here to inform you that you are not as affected by this as you think you are. Unless you are my dad, who is employed by the United States Post Office. Which means he is actually not affected at all because the post office gets their money from the good people of America who buy stamps. Or something like that. (I never brought him in for that day in kindergarten where your parent explains to the class what their job is. As a result I don’t really know.)

 America’s collective expression when the shutdown occurred.

So here are the most important things you need to know about the government shutdown:

1. All federal prisons will remain open.
Did they think they could just be like, “RELEASE THE PRISONERS!” and we’d all be okay with that? It’d be like the movie, The Purge, where everyone is allowed to commit crime on that one day a year, and there’d be bombs and car fires and people screaming all willy-nilly, and cows (I live in Wisconsin, people) running down the street. (Side note: I didn’t actually watch this movie. Just the trailer, like 20 times.)