Monday, September 9, 2013

Ron Weasley on Breaking Bad and Other TV Crossovers

Did you know Rupert Grint, which is to say Ron Weasley, is a savvy investor these days? It's a good thing too, because he hasn't really done much with his acting career since the days of Harry Potter (incidentally, many of us also haven't done much with our lives since the Potterpocalypse). If you saw Rupert Grint in a movie, would you be able to suspend your disbelief that he was anyone but Ron Weasley, the ginger comic relief with the tattered, hand-me-down robes? No, because he's typecast. It's like that time Harry Potter had sex with a horse. No one enjoyed that. Well, it's possible the horse enjoyed that. But he couldn't be reached for comment because he's a horse, and thus does not speak English. Or any language.

 Image via IMDB

Anyway...back to Ron. Let's say he gets a guest starring role on Breaking Bad. Now, I'm still working my way through season four, watching from behind my hands mostly, so for all I know, he actually is in season five. This is how I imagine it to be:

Walt: It's time to cook. We have a job to do, you little shit.
Jesse: Bitch! Yo!
Ron Weasley [in a British accent]: Crikey, Jesse! You sound like you need a bit of a lie-down.
Walt [struggling to operate the forklift]: He can't have a BIT OF A LIE-DOWN. This is a two man job!
Ron Weasley: Wingardium Leviosa! I'm an experienced sidekick. Don't worry, ol' chap.

Gif via FunnyorDie

If they ever needed to break into a warehouse again to steal ingredients, Ron could just Alohomora that shit. If yet another one of Tuco's distant relatives comes to kill them, Ron could just Avada Kedavra him with a little flick and swish. And if Jesse is too lazy to walk across the room to fetch his meth and pipe, Ron would be there, wand in hand, to Accio the hell out of that meth for him.

I love crossover episodes of TV shows. Remember when Urkel was on Full House? Or Angel and Buffy? Or The Cosby Show and pretty much every other show that was on at the time? People friggin can't get enough of crossovers. I came up with some crossover ideas that I think would be sweet, so if any television producers are reading this, please call me.

For instance, what if the fictional character "Drizzy" guest starred on Degrassi? He could be the token "urban" kid who started from the bottom. He could introduce Canada to #YOLO. Oh wait, he was already on Degrassi. In fact, when he says he "started from the bottom," he means he got his start on a hit Canadian tween show.

 Image via Business Insider/the A.V. Club

Or what if Miley Cyrus joined the cast of Teen Mom? She'd be one of the moms, obviously. Unfortunately, she's too old to actually become a teen mom, but maybe if she went as Hannah Montana instead it could work. Look, I'm not trying to slut-shame, but the way she treated that sledgehammer just ain't right. That's how unplanned pregnancies happen. I know how babies are made.

Screenshot via YouTube

I would love to see a Forrest Gump/Sex and the City crossover. Carrie would see Forrest from across 5th Avenue and say "Hello, lover." Later she'd be all "I couldn't help but wonder: was life really like a box of chocolates? Or do you sometimes know what you're gonna get?" And Forrest would be all "Jennay!" And Carrie would be like, "It's Carrie. Read my necklace."

The two of them could go on awkward dates to Magnolia Bakery and the hottest new clubs that have beds instead of tables and chairs. Fans would be split into three groups: team Forrest, team Aiden, and team Big. Forrest would make some sort of non-sequitur comment to Big about how he was once in a movie called Big. Ultimately, Forrest and Charlotte would fall in love behind Carrie's back, and when she found out, she'd be totally cool with it. "He's totally more your style anyway! Seriously, I'm not mad!"

Image via Fanpop

You know who would be a good guest star on Gossip Girl? Ms. Norbury from Mean Girls. Serena and Blair would get in a shameful public catfight on the steps of the Met, and as they were ripping each other's headbands off each other's skulls, Ms. Norbury would come to the rescue.

Ms. Norbury: You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores! It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.
Dan Humphrey: I did not leave Brooklyn for this!
Ms. Norbury: Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Chuck Bass.

They'd all raise their hands, including Dan, including Ms. Norbury, and they'd hug it out. Suddenly Mark Zuckerberg (the Jesse Eisenberg version from The Social Network) would pop out from behind a bush and proclaim "This is our time!" Ms. Norbury would smile to herself as the young people walked off into the horizon to found a lucrative tech start-up in Manhattan.

Okay clearly I've never seen Gossip Girl. And it's past my bedtime so I'm getting ridiculous. What other hilarious TV show crossovers would you like to see?

2 comments:

  1. I'm kind of obsessed with tv, so I love this. Anything with Ron Weasley is a win in my book.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm thinking The Flintstone / Sons Of Anarchy would be interesting. With that alien..what was his name? Kazoo?

    ReplyDelete

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