Wednesday, August 28, 2013

VMAs Recap from Someone Without Cable

I know I'm a few days late with this, but I also don't have cable, so you can see that I have quite a bit of adversity to overcome in life. Since I don't have cable, I was forced to watch the highlights online, which proved to be even more difficult than paying for cable would have been. has all the videos on their website, but of course they won't work. I tried on two different computers, my phone and my Kindle before realizing that MTV can eat my ass with a spoon and I have a lot of gadgets.

That said, here's my VMA recap, brought to you solely by the kind internet denizens who filmed their television screens and uploaded the videos to Youtube for me.

Miley Cyrus
I have to get her out of the way first because the internet seems to think she's the most important thing to hate since Michael Jackson became a molester. Let me just say--and imma let you finish--that y'all are just jealous of her insane dance moves.

The choreography! The agility! The way she moves her carcass skillfully and deftly across the stage! Of course she's going to be lampooned on the internet. People are so blinded with jealousy at her perfectly executed twerking that they missed the real travesty of her performance, which was these shoes.

Click to see why Miley has "Carleton Knees." It's insane.

But aside from the shoes (and the Carleton knees), you all need to GET A LYFE and stop telling Miley to stop. She can't stop, you guys. She was literally singing the phrase "We can't stop" repeatedly while you all begged her to stop, and no one listened to her because they were distracted by her foam finger. Understandable. But just remember for next time: Miley Cyrus can't stop. She won't stop. She is...UNSTOPPABLE!

Lady Gaga
All of her outfit changes made me nervous in the same way live improv performances and ordering a sandwich at Jimmy John's make me nervous. What if she hadn't been able to slip on that wig fast enough for her next dance move? What if her Velcro skirt had come un-Velcroed? What if she couldn't retrieve her arms from the grips of those massive shoulder pads on tempo? Speaking of those shoulder pads, I kind of hope her power suit jacket single-handedly brings big shoulders back in style, because as someone with child-bearing hips, I could use some sort of a distraction going on up top.

 Image via TV Line

She also did this for some reason:

This reminded me of Captain Howdy from The Exorcist

'N Sync
Everyone said the 'N Sync reunion was too short, and I thought they were just getting greedy. But no, it was literally less than two minutes long. It was of course, 110 seconds of pure, nostalgic pleasure, but if you looked too close, it was like seeing Miss Norbury at the mall/a dog walk on its hind legs. Suddenly Joey Fatone was friggin' old as balls, Chris Kirkpatrick was creepier than ever before, and Lance Bass...actually didn't look so bad. Because he's gay.

Image via E!
Although in this picture, Lance looks a lot like Pauly D...

Nothing to snark on about his performance, and that song is beautiful obvs, but you know what I just realized? He has the same haircut as Miley Cyrus. Weird.

Actually I do have something to snark on about his performance: why did he need Jennifer Hudson to help out at the end, when Mary Lambert was killing it with her friggin life-changing vocals? The end of the performance reminded me of this. Must everything be a sing-off for J. Hud?

Bruno Mars
As usual, my man Bruno was the best thing in the room. He's phresh to death even when he's dressed like he's on a safari.

 Image via MTV

I realized a while ago that I have a tendency to not even listen to a song's lyrics before deciding if I like it or not. Even as I gayly sing along, I usually couldn't tell you what a song is actually about. This definitely happened to me during "Gorilla," which I thought was perhaps a sweet, romantic ditty à la "Just the Way You Are."

I was wrong.

This song contains the lyrics "You and me baby making love like gorillas" and the sheer poetry of "We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door/And you're screaming, 'Give it to me baby/Give it to me motherfucker!'" If liking this song is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Me-friggin-ow.

Did you watch the VMAs? What was your favorite part? And tell me: What did YOU think of Miley's performance?


  1. Lance does look like Pauly D in that picture. Stop reading my mind with shit like that, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

    1. DOESN'T he though?? He's the one who should be freaking you out!

  2. I don't know what the big deal is about Miley "twerking" (as the kids call it). Back in MY day ALL the kids -- black, white, WHOEVA-- were doing the SAME THING except it was called grinding. Or booty popping. Or any numerous variations on ass-shaking. What's the big deal now? I really have no idea.
    And I'm so glad I don't have cable.

    1. Yeah I'm not even convinced that's the real definition of twerking. I would call that grinding too, or maybe Jersey Turnpike-ing.

    2. Hahaha. JT'ing. Brilliant

  3. YES to the J.Hud thing! Mary Lambert was handling shit just fine on her own (and working the HELL out of that sparkly dress. I want it so bad.). Take your crop top elsewhere, J.Hud! Also, they looked like they were going to fight.

    1. I want her dress too! And her voice. I want to steal it like Ursula did to Ariel.

  4. I missed this too, being someone who wastes money on cable but never ends up watching TV. I had to spend, like, 2 hours Googling "twerking." and then "ratchet." My husband almost wet his pants laughing at me.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.