Friday, August 9, 2013

Screw Closet Organization

You know those ads for closet organization systems that show a woman's closet with various nooks and crannies, hanger rods at various levels, optimized for dress-length, pants-length, and shirt-length hanging clothes, special compartments for hat and purse storage, and rows of sensible shoes all lined up in order of heel height? I want one of those closets. Each tension rod has like 5 things hanging from it, all in an inoffensive color scheme, like white and khaki. There are sweaters folded just so in a bin, because real adults don't hang sweaters from hangers. Real adults also don't buy sweaters from Old Navy. These closets even have designated belt and scarf storage, with special belt and scarf hangers designed solely for belts and scarves, respectively.

 Image via Target
Seriously, you have nothing that could go on that top shelf?


I always think "if only I had the money to buy this fancy closet organizing system, I too could have a row of sensible shoes and an organized hat collection.

Then I remember that I only own one hat, which I keep in the front hall closet because it's enormous. I don't own any sensible shoes, but that shouldn't stop me from lining up my leopard print wedges next to my raspberry heels with the hidden platforms that I got for $7.99 at Target last fall. I try to fold as little of my clothing as possible, because I don't have special sweater bins--only a decrepit dresser that predates even me--and when you fold clothing it always ends up getting messed up as you rifle through the drawer looking for that special shirt you need to complete your most capable looking outfit. Of course your special shirt is always at the bottom of the drawer, and the stuff you have literally never warn is always at the very top. If I had a designated sweater bin, it would just be stuffed to the gills with wrinkled knits, sleeves dangling dejectedly off the edge.

Image via Menards
Where are the rest of your clothes? Do you even own pants?

My biggest problem is that my closet is too small. If I put a complicated closet organizing system in place, there wouldn't be any room for the clothes. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But there probably wouldn't be any room for my leopard print wedges. And there sure as hell wouldn't be any room for my one enormous hat. That's a fact. The diameter of this hat is, like, 3 feet. Don't even make me calculate the circumference.

My other biggest problem is that I have too much clothing. But don't tell my husband that because he'll take that to mean I should stop buying new clothing, and that's just a gross misinterpretation (I mean "gross" as in "disgusting and gag-inducing" not, you know, the other meaning of gross). I don't have five dresses in various shades of eggshell, khaki, beige, and off-white. I have about 30 dresses, all loudly clashing and ill-fitting and stupid. I have like 10 pairs of jeans, most of which make me look like someone who gave birth 6 weeks ago. And then there are my shirts, which take up more real estate than they really deserve. Most of them are wrinkled, too big, too small, or have shoulder nipples. I hate pretty much all of my clothing and would be thrilled to start fresh on What Not to Wear. Unfortunately, I am too stylish and young and beautiful to be on that show. Also it's gone off the air.

 Image via Merchant Circle
If my childhood closet had looked like this, I would have known that my parents loved me.

I kind of feel bad for my clothes, especially the skirts shoved all the way in the back with the elastic waistbands that give me a muffin top. They never see the light of day. Then again, maybe if they didn't give me a muffin top, I would wear them. They should think about what they have done and learn to change their ways. I also feel bad for my pink Forever 21-via-Goodwill dress with the broken zipper and chocolate stain. I'm not sure where the chocolate stain came from, but I'm confident it's from me and not from whomever donated it to Goodwill. I imagine that I was eating chocolate chips straight from the bag one day and dropped one down my cleavage, where it melted all over the inside of my dress. As you already know, I'm disgusting.

I feel bad for the blouse with the fabric flowers sewn down the front that I thought was so trendy in 2010. After realizing the little flowers need to be ironed before each wear, and also after seeing the Puffy Shirt episode of Seinfeld, my usage of this blouse has tapered off considerably. Poor thing. It didn't ask to have fabric flowers sewn to it. It didn't ask to be so wrinkle-prone!

 Image via Houzz
Those dresses are so goddamn sensible.

Some day I'm going to have a perfectly edited wardrobe, everything hanging on wooden hangers (except the sweaters) with room to spare between each article of clothing. I might even throw out my leopard print wedges and buy a pair of pleated shorts. Hell, maybe I'll invest in a hat collection and a hat organization system. And I'll wear everything all the time. Sometimes all at the same time, if it's cold in the house. My closet will be so friggin organized it won't know what to do with itself while I'm gone. My clothing will be so goddamn happy it'll iron itself and emit Febreeze into the air. And I'll be a vision in sensible khaki wherever I go, thanks to my organized closet.

Until then, I will fight the good fight every day as I struggle to untangle my hangers from each other and wrestle a sweater from their grips that shouldn't even be hanging up in the first place. And closet organization systems can kiss my ass.

What's the worst part of your closet/wardrobe? Do you have muffin top skirts too, or is it just me?

15 comments:

  1. If you have clothes that don't fit right, get rid of them! They're just taking up mental space and you already know you're never going to wear them, so what good is it to keep them?

    Then maybe what's left will be a vision of neutrals. (Just kidding.)

    And you know that these women have to have a secret other closet for the 15 other pairs of shoes we know they own. I consider myself to have a small amount of shoes, and that means they take up an entire shelf and a shoe organizer and then some sit on the floor because there's no more room.

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    1. I know you're right! But so are people who tell me to exercise and stop eating chocolate chips straight from the bag, and I don't listen to them either. I always think "what if I get rid of this dress and then I want to wear it some time in the future?" and so I keep everything. Oh God I sound like a hoarder...

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    2. That's my exact thought process when I don't get rid of clothes. I put them in another closet for awhile, and if I don't miss them, I donate them. Or, I go to donate them and think 'oh, maybe...' and back that item goes into my closet to not be worn for another year...

      Loved this post, it was hilarious and super entertaining.

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  2. I'm pretty sure we now need to see a photo of your actual closet, just for reference to compare to these pretty, organized pictures :)

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    1. Perhaps I will indulge you with that! But it's a shameful mess compared to these. And I have sliding doors so you couldn't even see the whole closet at once. How come none of these fancy catalog closets ever have sliding doors??

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  3. And I bet you save that dress with the chocolate stain thinking, "one day I'll be domestic and figure out (via pinterest) how to get that stain out and I'll be glad I didn't get rid of it". Yeah, I do that too.

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    1. Yes! And all the ill-fitting clothing I imagine I can one day refashion into something else, even though I have a terrible track record with sewing.

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  4. I have a compulsive need to come over to your house and throw away everything you own. It's so satisfying!

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    1. I usually have that same compulsion, but with clothes and jewelry I'm the opposite! But it would be really nice to clear some room.

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  5. In our new house one of the bedrooms was converted into one of those crazy custom closet units. I'm sure I'll have it ruined by being full of all my unappealing clothes in no time though :)

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    1. You have an entire bedroom to use as a closet?? That sounds amazing! But if I had that I would never throw anything out. At least I'd have room for my one hat. That thing needs its own room.

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  6. The shirt that completes your most capable looking outfit is a white collarless shirt from Fred Segal, right? Please tell me you're intentionally referencing Clueless!

    I agree with Morgan, we need a picture of your closet.

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    1. YES! of course it was a Clueless quote :) If you ever wonder if I'm quoting Clueless, the answer is always yes.

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  7. I think one of the only good things about moving was getting rid of so many clothes that no longer fit. Plus that gives me an excuse to buy more clothes to fill up the new closet :) Since I share a closet with my husband, I'm just lucky if everything is hanging and not in a heap on the floor.

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    1. Yeah I didn't even mention that my husband is relegated to the guest room closet. Poor guy.

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