Image via Target
Seriously, you have nothing that could go on that top shelf?
I always think "if only I had the money to buy this fancy closet organizing system, I too could have a row of sensible shoes and an organized hat collection.
Then I remember that I only own one hat, which I keep in the front hall closet because it's enormous. I don't own any sensible shoes, but that shouldn't stop me from lining up my leopard print wedges next to my raspberry heels with the hidden platforms that I got for $7.99 at Target last fall. I try to fold as little of my clothing as possible, because I don't have special sweater bins--only a decrepit dresser that predates even me--and when you fold clothing it always ends up getting messed up as you rifle through the drawer looking for that special shirt you need to complete your most capable looking outfit. Of course your special shirt is always at the bottom of the drawer, and the stuff you have literally never warn is always at the very top. If I had a designated sweater bin, it would just be stuffed to the gills with wrinkled knits, sleeves dangling dejectedly off the edge.
Image via Menards
Where are the rest of your clothes? Do you even own pants?
My biggest problem is that my closet is too small. If I put a complicated closet organizing system in place, there wouldn't be any room for the clothes. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But there probably wouldn't be any room for my leopard print wedges. And there sure as hell wouldn't be any room for my one enormous hat. That's a fact. The diameter of this hat is, like, 3 feet. Don't even make me calculate the circumference.
My other biggest problem is that I have too much clothing. But don't tell my husband that because he'll take that to mean I should stop buying new clothing, and that's just a gross misinterpretation (I mean "gross" as in "disgusting and gag-inducing" not, you know, the other meaning of gross). I don't have five dresses in various shades of eggshell, khaki, beige, and off-white. I have about 30 dresses, all loudly clashing and ill-fitting and stupid. I have like 10 pairs of jeans, most of which make me look like someone who gave birth 6 weeks ago. And then there are my shirts, which take up more real estate than they really deserve. Most of them are wrinkled, too big, too small, or have shoulder nipples. I hate pretty much all of my clothing and would be thrilled to start fresh on What Not to Wear. Unfortunately, I am too stylish and young and beautiful to be on that show. Also it's gone off the air.
Image via Merchant Circle
If my childhood closet had looked like this, I would have known that my parents loved me.
I kind of feel bad for my clothes, especially the skirts shoved all the way in the back with the elastic waistbands that give me a muffin top. They never see the light of day. Then again, maybe if they didn't give me a muffin top, I would wear them. They should think about what they have done and learn to change their ways. I also feel bad for my pink Forever 21-via-Goodwill dress with the broken zipper and chocolate stain. I'm not sure where the chocolate stain came from, but I'm confident it's from me and not from whomever donated it to Goodwill. I imagine that I was eating chocolate chips straight from the bag one day and dropped one down my cleavage, where it melted all over the inside of my dress. As you already know, I'm disgusting.
I feel bad for the blouse with the fabric flowers sewn down the front that I thought was so trendy in 2010. After realizing the little flowers need to be ironed before each wear, and also after seeing the Puffy Shirt episode of Seinfeld, my usage of this blouse has tapered off considerably. Poor thing. It didn't ask to have fabric flowers sewn to it. It didn't ask to be so wrinkle-prone!
Image via Houzz
Those dresses are so goddamn sensible.
Some day I'm going to have a perfectly edited wardrobe, everything hanging on wooden hangers (except the sweaters) with room to spare between each article of clothing. I might even throw out my leopard print wedges and buy a pair of pleated shorts. Hell, maybe I'll invest in a hat collection and a hat organization system. And I'll wear everything all the time. Sometimes all at the same time, if it's cold in the house. My closet will be so friggin organized it won't know what to do with itself while I'm gone. My clothing will be so goddamn happy it'll iron itself and emit Febreeze into the air. And I'll be a vision in sensible khaki wherever I go, thanks to my organized closet.
Until then, I will fight the good fight every day as I struggle to untangle my hangers from each other and wrestle a sweater from their grips that shouldn't even be hanging up in the first place. And closet organization systems can kiss my ass.
What's the worst part of your closet/wardrobe? Do you have muffin top skirts too, or is it just me?