Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Oh, The Things You Google

Ever since I figured out how to use Google Analytics, I've enjoyed looking at the keywords people search for that leads them to my blog. At my old job, we learned all about SEO and using keywords to purposely attract organic search traffic, but I've never really bothered doing that for my blog. I guess I assumed nobody's searching for poop scales (they are) or AJ McLean's goatee (they seriously are). What I've learned from looking through my keywords is that my blog is actually fairly well-optimized for creepy sons-of-bitches. Here are some of my favorites:

Taylor lautner llama: I'm really proud that my blog ranks so highly for this phrase, because it's important for those who question the species of Taylor Lautner to find out the truth. And the truth is that he is a llama.

Karissa tells all: The number of searches for "karissa tells all" are more than half the searches for "karisa tells all." I only have one 's' in my name, people, but thanks for the generosity.

Why does everyone hate nickelback: It's a good question, which is why I explored the many nuances in a blog post last year. Unfortunately, I'm getting a lot of traffic from Nickelback apologists who want to mud wrestle with anyone who blasphemes Chad Kroeger. These people are furiously scouring the internet, trying to figure out the other side's arguments so they can adequately rebut them. I'd actually be interested to hear their rebuttal. My next post may be "Why does anyone like Nickelback?"

AJ mclean goatee: I admit I searched this phrase at some point when I was looking for photographic evidence for my blog, so perhaps that's why other people are searching it too. But I'm going to have to assume they are really AJ McLean goatee fetishists looking to get their rocks off to photos of that pencil thin chin strap.

Beat my chicken: I don't even know. And don't tell me what to do.

Can you cast a love spell at night in bed: This has to be the laziest Wiccan I've ever heard of. You can't be bothered to make someone fall in love with you the old fashioned way (e.g. by donning spanx, cooking engagement chicken, or laughing at a lifetime of unfunny jokes), so you're turning to Black Magic. But you're too lazy to even get out of bed to cast a spell. Bitch, please. Get your act together.

Crazy ass bucket list college: I imagine someone searched "college bucket list," and didn't think the results were crazy enough, so then they searched "crazy bucket list," but the results weren't assy enough. So finally, they searched "crazy ass bucket list," found my blog, and finally felt satisfied.

Embarrassed animals: Whoever searched this needs to be my friend.

Half eaten edible panties: I maintain that this phrase is nowhere to be found on my blog! Well, now it is. I think we're dealing with the rare Edible Undies Addict here, which is a person who buys and consumes edible undies outside of a sexual environment. These people merely enjoy the taste and texture of gummy panties, and Swedish fish and gummi bears just won't do.

How to dress at a pink floyd concert: I'm glad people are actually concerned about their sartorial choices when surrounded by The People of a Pink Floyd Concert. Here's my advice: wear a Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt and jeans and then call it a day.

Orangutan buttocks: NO. This is not that kind of blog. (Is it?)

What does I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers mean: It basically means they're better looking than Sugar Bear and less evil than Kim Jong-il.


  1. Hahaha you're hilarious. I would give you three s's if I could ;)

    Michelle @ Mishfish13

  2. This is both hilarious and enlightening. People are weird.

  3. hahaha This list is amazing. I, too, enjoy looking at my Google Analytics page.


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