Friday, August 30, 2013

Me: Exposed

I've been nominated for an award/chain letter type thing by Michelle at Mishfish13 which I'm honored to accept. I haven't done one of these since 2010 so might as well do one now! Thanks, Michelle!


1. What’s your favorite place in the world?
Probably standing over my sink, because it means I'm probably binge eating a cupcake. Oh crap, I could also be doing dishes...in that case I will say my favorite place in the world is in bed, asleep. The only thing I like better than eating is sleeping. My third favorite place would be sitting in a chair, because I also enjoy sitting.

2. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?
I'd go to France and buy a baguette and some Camembert and go to town on it under the Eiffel Tower. Why do all of my answers have to do with food? I'd try to speak French to every person I saw, and they'd all either say "uh..no parle French" because they'd be fellow baguette-eating Americans or they'd laugh at me with a French laugh ("Haw haw HAW!") and respond in English.

3. If money were out of the equation, what would you do?
What equation? Like the quadratic equation or something? Shit, I thought I left equations behind when I became an English major. I wonder if this question means I'm poor and loving life, or I just have so much money that anything is possible? Because all of my future hopes and dreams involve spending copious amounts of money aka making it rain. If I had all the money in the world I would pay to become Oprah, and then I'd shut down department stores so I could shop by myself and not be hindered by peasants shopping next to me. I'd also buy a $30 tube of mascara, because when else can you justify that? Hell, I'd pay to get my hair blown out every day. And I'd pay for others' respect and adoration, obviously. I'd probably pay a fancy Wall St. company to pretend like I worked there, so I'd have a reason to buy a briefcase and order coffee from a street vendor on my way to the corner office every morning.

4. What do you like most about yourself?
Looks-wise, I am friggin obsessed with my hair. I'm sorry, but it's amazing and I know you're jealous of it. Personality-wise, I just think I'm really cool. I have that certain je ne sais quoi that other people experience and say "Wow, I wish I could be like her! She's just so...cool!" Talent-wise, I'm proud of my insane whistling ability. You don't even know how good I am at whistling.

See? You're jealous. You're jealous of my face and photogenic-ness too.

5. What are some of your favorite books?
Obviously Harry Potter. Obviously my own book. (Buy it.) I like anything by Sophie Kinsella and other mindless chick lit because I hate thinking. I also really like Wally Lamb. I feel smart telling people I like Wally Lamb, because he's actually not chick lit, so I always mention him so people will respect me more.

6. If you could give advice to your 20-year-old self, what would it be?
Stop going to the gym, because there will come a time in your life when you will bulk purchase Hershey's kisses and all your work will be for naught anyway. Might as well start now. Also don't sign up for Google Reader. It will become defunct one day and you'll have become so dependent you won't know what to do with yourself. Oh, and please don't ever make a right turn on red without coming to a complete stop first. Apparently that's like a law or something.

7. What are the scariest things on your bucket list?
Probably throwing something out a window. That could get me in trouble, and that's scary to me. I'm a rule-follower. Oh, you mean my actual bucket list? I suppose I'd like to try stand up comedy some day, even though I know my verbal delivery is horrible and I should just stick with the internet like all the other awkward basement-dwelling slobs. But I'll be disappointed in myself if I die without ever trying it. Perhaps I'll be 90 years old, telling jokes with words like "fuck" and "shitstain" in them on stage somewhere in the future, and everyone will laugh just because it's funny when old ladies are vulgur. Just look at Betty White.

Image via Comedy Central
Rapping is also acceptable from old women.

8. Describe a perfect Saturday.
I start with some twerking against my couch, then I feast on a delicious repast of chocolate, Frosted Mini Wheats, bacon, an omelette, and somehow a Frappucino in my own home. Next I go to a coffee shop and for some reason purchase another Frappucino, and I sit there blogging my deep thoughts for several hours. After that, I come home, put on my trashiest outfit while listening to scandalous "going out music" and then I actually go out. I twerk a little more, maybe some Harlem Shaking, this time in public, and around 11 PM I remember that I'm old and, despite downing two Fraps, I'm tired as pho. So I head home and fall asleep.

9. What are your fitness goals for the year, if any?
If you mean the calendar year, I'm already screwed. If you mean starting January 1, 2014, my goals are to get a 6 pack, run a marathon, and look like Miley Cyrus in a nude bikini. If you mean starting now and going until next August, my goal is to continue thinking fitness is an important goal and to keep telling myself I'll eventually sign up for a gym membership.

10. Cats or Dogs?
Dogs. Cats, ironically enough, are bitches.

Thanks again for the nomination, Michelle!

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