Sunday, August 4, 2013

Farts in Four Vignettes

Canned Farts:
Canning is so hot right now. You can turn anything into a canned good right from your very kitchen, using mason jars and special sealing lids. Got a surplus of strawberries? Make strawberry jam! Need a use for your miniature cucumbers? Can some pickles! Have to fart? Put it in a can!

 Image via iVillage

That's right, you can even can farts. And you don't even need to go through the complicated sterilization process of boiling the jars and lids in water first, because farts are already disgusting! So a little botulism would just be added flavor at this point. Want to learn how to make your own rustic farts-in-a-can?

Mason jar or other receptacle
Mason jar lid, or lid for other receptacle
A rumbly in the tumbly
Agility and ability to screw on a lid quickly and deftly

Step 1: Hold your receptacle in one hand and your lid in the other hand.
Step 2: Do what ya gotta do to get your gas all ready to greet the world.
Step 3: Hold the receptacle up to your anus and let er rip.
Step 4: Screw the lid on tight, trapping the gaseous poo particles inside the receptacle.
Step 5: Find one of your enemies, ask if they want to smell what The Rock is cooking, and quickly open the container in their face before they have time to answer you.

Note: If you'd like more instant gratification, merely fart in your hands when you're in the presence of your enemy, and throw the gas in their general direction, as demonstrated by Honey Boo Boo.


Come on Baby, Light my Fart
Canning isn't the only parlor trick you can create out of your own bodily functions. Because farts contain hydrogen and methane, which are flammable, you can light your own fart, or a friend's fart, on fire. It's true. Wikipedia says it's true, though it also lacks a citation.

Screenshot from Wikipedia

There are many things I've often wondered about in life, like what happens to a pregnant belly post-birth, what's the difference between orzo and rice, and why do people hate Nickelback. In fact, I just realized that much of my online presence is just me being confused and demanding answers to things. And you can add flammable farts to my list of things I demanded an answer to. I'm so glad that I now know the truth: farts are, indeed, flammable.

 Image via Zazzle

Of course, I could have just tested it myself, but you already know that girls don't fart. Which is to say, I'm afraid of fire. Speaking of that, if you were to light a fart on fire, wouldn't your butthole get burnt? So many questions, so many Wikipedia searches to do...


If Farts Were Visible
Here's a joke for you: Why do farts smell so bad? This is the part where you say stupid things like "because it's gas coming from the shittiest bowels of your, well, bowels," or "because it contains bits of fecal matter," or even "because of volatile sulfur compounds found in the gas." But the real answer is "so deaf people can enjoy them too!" Remember, this is a joke, not a biology lecture. Do biology teachers talk about farts in class? I don't remember that happening in my biology class in high school, but if it had, I surely would have paid more attention.

 Image via Spreadshirt

What if farts were visible? Then deaf people could enjoy them and we could do away with the bad smell. If farts were visible, you would know where to avoid walking, and where it was safe to walk without getting a whiff of stank. I'm imagining that farts would look like colored gasses, perhaps similar to the Northern Lights, but coming out of people's buttholes instead of streaking across the sky. The colors would vary according to your aura, which would probably also be visible in this alternate world.

Having visible farts would allow scientists and lay people to study the trajectory of gas more easily. We might learn that the ol' trick of releasing a fart and walking away (aka crop dusting) doesn't actually work because the gas remains attached to you and follows you around for a while, like a tail or fish poop. The one down side of visible farts would be the inability to fart incognito. You could never blame the dog or pretend that the fart noise was just your shoe squeaking against the floor, and the one-cheek-sneak would be altogether obsolete. I'm not sure this is a world I feel comfortable living in.


This Place Smells Terrible
Speaking of crop dusting, one time I went to a thrift store with my brother. It wasn't the nicest of thrift stores, and it wasn't in the nicest of areas. As I was browsing around, my brother wandered quickly from aisle to aisle, stopping for a few seconds every few rows before moving on. He didn't seem to be really looking at anything.

That's right; he was crop dusting.

 Image via memecrunch

He circled back around to where I was standing, a few feet down from an older couple who looked too upper-middle class to be there.

"Ugh, let's get out of here," the wife hissed at her husband. "This place smells terrible." She looked disdainfully at the bin of gently used underwear before dragging her husband out the door.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha I've always wondered about lighting farts on fire too! Are you supposed to stop farting before the flame gets too close? What's the etiquette on this?

    Michelle @ Mishfish13


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