Friday, August 30, 2013

Me: Exposed

I've been nominated for an award/chain letter type thing by Michelle at Mishfish13 which I'm honored to accept. I haven't done one of these since 2010 so might as well do one now! Thanks, Michelle!


1. What’s your favorite place in the world?
Probably standing over my sink, because it means I'm probably binge eating a cupcake. Oh crap, I could also be doing dishes...in that case I will say my favorite place in the world is in bed, asleep. The only thing I like better than eating is sleeping. My third favorite place would be sitting in a chair, because I also enjoy sitting.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

VMAs Recap from Someone Without Cable

I know I'm a few days late with this, but I also don't have cable, so you can see that I have quite a bit of adversity to overcome in life. Since I don't have cable, I was forced to watch the highlights online, which proved to be even more difficult than paying for cable would have been. MTV.com has all the videos on their website, but of course they won't work. I tried on two different computers, my phone and my Kindle before realizing that MTV can eat my ass with a spoon and I have a lot of gadgets.

That said, here's my VMA recap, brought to you solely by the kind internet denizens who filmed their television screens and uploaded the videos to Youtube for me.

Miley Cyrus
I have to get her out of the way first because the internet seems to think she's the most important thing to hate since Michael Jackson became a molester. Let me just say--and imma let you finish--that y'all are just jealous of her insane dance moves.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

FOMO and YOLO

There are two acronyms being hashtagged by the young people these days that are giving me anxiety: FOMO and YOLO. For the non-acronymically inclined, they stand for "fear of missing out" and "you only live once," respectively. I think I have FOMO. And I think it's because of YOLO.

For instance, when the Wisconsin State Fair rolled into town this year I started dreading our yearly trip. "How about we don't go this year?" Chris suggested. "I hate it. You hate it. Why should we go?"

 Image via OnMilwaukee
I mean really. Does this look like a place you'd like to go?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

My Speshul Day

'Twas the night before my birthday (heretofore known as "MY SPESHUL DAY"), and I awoke to a bump in the night. It was Chris creeping out of the room.

"What are you doing?" I asked him groggily.

"I just have to...check on something," he said. "Go back to sleep."

"Did you hear a noise?"

"No, it's fine. Go back to sleep."

"What if it's a robber?"

"Just go back to sleep." He approached the bed and tucked me in tighter. "Close your eyes..." he said creepily.

Suddenly my eyes sprang open. "You're not the real Chris!" It was an imposter, or possibly an alien abduction trying to get me to go to sleep so they could wreak further shenanigans on my house. (Can you wreak shenanigans? I feel like Chris wreaks shenanigans daily.)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

WTF are Cheese Curds?

Add this to foods I don't understand: cheese curds. Living in Wisconsin, I find myself in the company of cheese curds more often than ever before. And quite frankly, more often than I feel comfortable with. At first I looked at the little wet lumps of curdled milk with disdain and distrust. How anyone could eat wet cheese out of a bag was beyond me, let alone wet curds, let alone squeaky wet curds.

 Image via Wikipedia
You don't even have to know what this is a picture of to know you want it in your mouth. But then you find out it's cheese curds.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Screw Closet Organization

You know those ads for closet organization systems that show a woman's closet with various nooks and crannies, hanger rods at various levels, optimized for dress-length, pants-length, and shirt-length hanging clothes, special compartments for hat and purse storage, and rows of sensible shoes all lined up in order of heel height? I want one of those closets. Each tension rod has like 5 things hanging from it, all in an inoffensive color scheme, like white and khaki. There are sweaters folded just so in a bin, because real adults don't hang sweaters from hangers. Real adults also don't buy sweaters from Old Navy. These closets even have designated belt and scarf storage, with special belt and scarf hangers designed solely for belts and scarves, respectively.

 Image via Target
Seriously, you have nothing that could go on that top shelf?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Oh, The Things You Google

Ever since I figured out how to use Google Analytics, I've enjoyed looking at the keywords people search for that leads them to my blog. At my old job, we learned all about SEO and using keywords to purposely attract organic search traffic, but I've never really bothered doing that for my blog. I guess I assumed nobody's searching for poop scales (they are) or AJ McLean's goatee (they seriously are). What I've learned from looking through my keywords is that my blog is actually fairly well-optimized for creepy sons-of-bitches. Here are some of my favorites:

Taylor lautner llama: I'm really proud that my blog ranks so highly for this phrase, because it's important for those who question the species of Taylor Lautner to find out the truth. And the truth is that he is a llama.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Farts in Four Vignettes

Canned Farts:
Canning is so hot right now. You can turn anything into a canned good right from your very kitchen, using mason jars and special sealing lids. Got a surplus of strawberries? Make strawberry jam! Need a use for your miniature cucumbers? Can some pickles! Have to fart? Put it in a can!

 Image via iVillage

That's right, you can even can farts. And you don't even need to go through the complicated sterilization process of boiling the jars and lids in water first, because farts are already disgusting! So a little botulism would just be added flavor at this point. Want to learn how to make your own rustic farts-in-a-can?