Monday, July 29, 2013

The 5 People You Meet in Hell

I've never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, but I'm assuming it's merely a list of five people who were exceptionally pious in life. I'm guessing it's God/Jesus, Saint Peter (heaven's bouncer), Mother Teresa, Mary (Jesus' mom), and whoever invented whipped cream in a can.

 Image via Taste of Home
I like that this photo of whipped cream looks like a lonely dollop of poo, but white.

Now, obviously, heaven rocks. I've heard you can eat whatever you want without gaining any weight, sleep on clouds, and never die because you're already dead. However, that's kind of boring. I would rather talk about all the assholes who you'll meet in hell. I love complaining about douches. Hell, I have a "douche" tag on my blog so you can find all the posts I've written about various and sundry douches.

As it turns out, some smart aleck has already beaten me to the punch and published a book called The Five People You Meet in Hell. However, according to Amazon, the book sucks, garnering such reviews as "I finished it, but only because I never quit reading a book," and "You should buy this book if your coffee table is uneven." So allow me to do a better job.

1) Satan. Obviously you're meeting Satan in hell, right? When you think of hell, you think of Satan. Not seeing him in hell would be like going all the way to Las Vegas and not catching a Bette Midler concert. Then again, he is basically the Founder and CEO of hell, so maybe he's too busy to greet all the new people. He does often wear a business suit, so perhaps he keeps himself occupied. Well, even if you can't meet him, you'll likely see him from afar or pass him in the hall at some point during your eternal visit. After all, I saw Mark Zuckerberg when I went to Facebook!

Image via Shutterstock, obviously
 See? He's a shrewd businessman. I hope he doesn't sue me for not paying for this stock photo.

2) Chris Harrison. The man has hosted 26 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. He's uttered the phrase "Ladies/Gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready," over 200 times. He pretends to be happy to see everyone on the show, and these are some of the least enjoyable people to be around. On second thought, maybe he deserves to be canonized or knighted or something. Or at least given a certificate for his hard work. But I just can't get past his smarmy face or the way he asks contestants all the questions no one cares to hear the answers to. Chris Harrison, I'll see you in hell.

 Image via People

3) My French teacher who got arrested. First of all, the lady insisted on pointing out that my name is similar to the French verb caresser which basically means "to stroke or fondle." And she should have been a gym teacher, ifyaknowwhatimean. Second of all, she was an alleged stunt driver who collected celebrity autographs from all of her previous "co-workers," such as Brad Pitt. To raise money for a charity our school sponsored, she sold these autographs to her students. The only problem was, the autographs were fake and she kept all the money. And yes, I did buy Brad Pitt's "autograph" from her.

4) YouTube commenters. And I mean this one literally. Satan may or may not be a fictional character. Chris Harrison is a mild annoyance. My French teacher was a petty thief. But YouTube commenters literally deserve the deepest bowels of hell, complete with flames and Sisyphean tasks. Everyone who comments on YouTube has a strong opinion about Selena Gomez vs. Miley Cyrus (because apparently they're an either/or thing), uses "gay" as an insult, and uses toooooo many letterrrrs. Also, they're the worst thing on the internet. And the internet is a pretty terrible place to begin with.

5) Whoever invented aerosol cheese. Cheese is kind of a gross concept, as it's made from spoiled milk and often mixed with mold. Orange/yellow cheese is even nastier because it's got fake coloring added to it. Fake cheese, like the kind you'll find in a bag of Cheetos or those little cheese and breadsticks snacks, is even worse yet, because it's a chemical approximation of something that sucked to begin with. Put all that in a can with the consistency of a foam, and you have the worst alleged "food" ever invented, aka Cheez Whiz. Whoever invented it is probably in hell, unless he/she is still alive. But living on earth as the inventor of Cheez Whiz is probably pretty close to hell anyway.

 Image via Cracked

Editor's note: I just googled it, and it turns out that Cheez Whiz was invented by Edwin Traisman, who looks like a jolly grandfather. He died in 2007. Now I feel bad for including him on this list. I'm heartless. RIP Edwin Traisman, and I hope you're in heaven right now, spraying Cheez Whiz into your mouth without gaining any weight.

Who would you expect to meet in hell?


  1. YES. YOUTUBE COMMENTERS. You know your day's going to be bad when you start on the downward spiral that is the Youtube Comments.... and every single person I know has an old teacher that committed some kind of crime...

    Michelle @ Mishfish13

    1. We had a substitute teacher in middle school who got arrested for watching porn WHILE WE WERE IN CLASS.

    2. No WAY! That's horrifying and awesome. In a terrible way.

  2. I think my mom or a teacher or someone forced me to read the Five People You Meet in Heaven, but it's not any of the people you'd expect. Like, obviously you'll meet St. Peter and some cool saints (maybe the saints give tours!), but here are five MORE people you'll meet!

    I would definitely expect to see the founders of Wal-Mart in hell. Because I feel like I'm there every time I go in one.

    1. Yes, them too! And the People of Walmart.

  3. You have it wrong,Kari. Heaven is for climate,hell is for companionship.
    Mark Twain

  4. This is hilarious. I think the creator of high heels should be on the list as well. And whoever decided underwire in bras should be a thing. F those guys.

  5. I might include timeshare sales people on the list - if one ever wants an hour of your time, head for the hills. Enjoyed!

  6. Youtube commenters really are the worst. Them and Washington Post commenters. I wish they'd just crawl into a hole and die. That or stop spewing hateful filth.


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