Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Reasons I'm Upset Right Now

Not to be negative or anything, but I hate the world right now. You think that's a little harsh? Overdramatic? Well, then you must not be aware that Avril Lavigne married Chad Kroeger this week. The two patriotic love birds thought it would be romantic to get married on Canada Day, which I can only assume is a knockoff of the 4th of July?? (Kidding, angry Canadians! Don't worry, I know what Canada Day is. I have access to Wikipedia.) Anyway, the fact that they got married isn't what's making me hate the world. In fact, I love the poetry of it all. They make a great couple. What I'm upset about is how awesome their wedding sounded. First off, their wedding lasted like 5 days. I know that's how it works when you're a celebrity, but I didn't realize these two counted.

 Image via People

Secondly, it was in the south of France. I've never been to France, north or south, but I'm guessing it's nice there, what with the French accents, copious Camembert and berets. And finally, the wedding was described as "black-tie fairytale," aka every wedding ever. And I like all weddings, so black-tie fairytale sounds cool too. I'm upset that Mrs. Chad Nickelback missed the opportunity to have a truly heinous wedding. Sure, she wore a black dress, but again, that's just how celebs do. I was hoping she'd have a more ridiculous SPESHUL DAY so I could make fun of it. Instead, I find myself making fun of...myself...for caring so much.

You know what else I'm pissed about? Pregnancy pressure. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I. Am. Not. Pregnant. Emphasis on NOT. After I teased about my Big Announcement earlier, people have been hounding me left and right asking if I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong--I'm not mad at these people, who are just preparing themselves to be really happy for me. It would be fine if the answer were yes or if I were inexplicably thin right now.

 See? Not pregnant!

But when you're 100% not pregnant, yet you've somehow come to look like you're about three months along, those questions really hit you when you're down. I try to drink as much wine as possible every day, partly to drown my sorrows after not being invited to the Nickelback Nuptials, and partly to prove to spectators that I am not with child. But ironically, sardonically, horribly, and other adverbs, I now have a wine gut that looks like a baby bump. So I joined a DietBet and my goal is to lose 4% of my body weight by the end of the month. Which, to be honest, is really only the difference between taking a dump and not taking a dump...

 Image via People
Is it just me, or is the one on the right Kourtney? Ugh I hate myself.

Another thing I hate is how long it took me to hear about Kimye's baby being born. I went two full days without knowing it had happened. That is disappointing, and I won't tolerate it happening with Kate Middleton's baby. I also haven't heard any announcements to the effect of "April Fools! We're not actually naming our kid North West!" But since I know it's all a joke, and it's been almost 2 full weeks since they released the name, I'm going to assume I missed the announcement on that one too.

What's upsetting you lately?


  1. I sincerely hope North is just a joke, but I'm still waiting on that announcement....

  2. After spending 5 days with family, I really feel you on the pregnancy thing. Ugh.


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