Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Phone is an A******

Side note: If you pre-ordered my book, it's available to read today! And if you didn't pre-order it, you can still buy it today and read it as soon as your heart desires. It's not like it's going to sell out. (And here it is on iTunes for all you Apple lovers.)
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Chris has been talking to himself a lot lately. Or so I thought. Our house is large enough that one person can have a conversation without the other one hearing clearly,  but not large enough to provide complete sound proofing. So lately as I've been sitting in the living room, contemplating world hunger, I keep hearing muffled talking from the other wing of the house.

"What are you saying?" I yell to him.

"Nothing!" he'll yell back.

So I assumed he was talking to himself, and I thought nothing of it because he's slowly becoming a mad scientist, and I'm cool with it.

But then it happened when I was in the same room with him. "I'm on my way. Are you there yet?" he said as we were leaving the house to meet friends.

"What?" I said. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," he said, putting his phone away. "I was just texting."

"No, you were speaking. That's literally not texting."

He explained that he'd just discovered the voice activation button on his phone, a full year after purchasing it. Lord help us all.

 No, I couldn't have at least wiped the screens down before taking this photo. I am busy.

Since then, I've learned to ignore him when he says pretty much anything, and it's been working well for our marriage.

Except the time I heard him talking in the next room for a good five minutes straight, followed by silence, and then he peeked his head into our room. "Have you been listening to a word I just said?" he asked.

"Uh. No. I thought you were texting."

"Texting?? I was telling you about what happened at work today! You didn't hear any of that?"

"I just thought it was a really long text. Possibly the kind that has to be sent in three or four smaller messages."

He sighed, agitated. He was unwilling to repeat himself and, quite frankly, I was okay with that.

Last night before bed, I heard him say "Set alarm for 6 AM."

"Why 6 AM?" I asked. "I always set it for 6:45."

"No, I wasn't talking to you," he said.

Foiled again! "Who could you possibly be talking to besides me?" I wasn't about to be treated like this in my own home.

"I was just setting my alarm," he said. I hadn't realized you could just command your phone to do things and it would listen to you. If I had known that I would have started using my own voice activation feature by now.

"Wow, that's amazing!" I gushed.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, I'm serious! You can really just talk into the phone and it'll do whatever you tell it to do? That is truly extraordinary."

"Text Kari's Cell 'you are a dweeb,'" he said to his phone.

I again doubted the phone's abilities and thought he was just joking. When my phone chimed a minute later, I wondered who would be texting at that hour. It was Chris.

"You're an asshole!" I said. Then I grabbed my phone, pushed the microphone icon and said "Text Chris's Cell 'you are an asshole.'"

But my phone was also being an asshole.

Do you use your phone's voice activation feature? Or is your phone an asshole too? Are you an asshole?


  1. I accidentally hit my phone's voice command button at least once a week and freak out when it screams "Please say a command" at me. My phone is also an ancient brick: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LG_enV2_(VX9100)

    Don't hate, I'm just too cheap to pay for a data plan.

    1. The same exact thing used to happen to me with my old phone! Whose idea was it to make it talk to us??

  2. my phone just writes gibberish when i try to use the voice command and it always autocorrects curse words, which only causes me to curse more.

    1. Yeah I've been noticing mine is pretty bad at understanding me too. Maybe I have a thick human accent, and I should start speaking in a robot dialect.

  3. Hahaha! Your relationship cracks me up. But I have to admit I've NEVER heard of anyone use Siri/the voice feature that much! I only use it when I'm in bed trying to text and I don't want the phone to land on my face. Happened before. And maybe when I'm driving.

    Michelle @ Mishfish13

    1. I think it's just a passing fad. People like to feel like the Jetsons for a while, and then they go back to normal life.


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