Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My Disappointments Regarding the #RoyalBaby

I watched the live video feed with bated breath yesterday to catch Kate and Will's hospital exit with the #RoyalBaby. The excitement of live television devoid of any action reminded me of the last time I watched a screen full of British people doing nothing for hours, which was the royal wedding. At least this time they had the foresight to wait until a decent hour so the Americans could watch too.

When I watched the royal wedding, I was frankly disappointed by the end. I had missed a good three hours of sleep for the privelege of watching these schmucks get married, and when I realized we didn't actually get to see the reception, I was disappointed. I wanted to hear Prince Harry's borderline offensive best man speech. I wanted to see Pippa cut a rug and possibly rip her dress on the dance floor. I wanted to see firsthand how one goes about cutting a cake that is the size of a small car, because I certainly did not understand the logistics of that cake.

Image via People

I don't know why I was so excited about the hoopla surrounding the #RoyalBaby. (Since it doesn't have a name yet, the hashtag will have to suffice.) I guess I expected Kate and Wills to, I don't know, show his face to the cameras a little. I waited over 36 hours to catch a glimpse of the little guy, and all I saw was a crochet blanket with some flesh poking out. For all I knew, they were holding a ball of blankets or a doll, like a goddamn nativity play.

Some photographers were able to get a slightly better angle of the future King's face, but that was disappointing too. Partly because he just looks like your average baby, and partly because your average baby looks like an old man eating a lemon and not enjoying it.

 Image via E! Online

I was expecting him to be dressed in Austin Powers finery or at least sporting a Union Jack motif (since I know little about British culture other than Austin Powers and the Spice Girls), but instead, he wore "a white crochet blanket and another one dotted with duckies," according to, the ultimate guide to celeb fashion.

I expected him to have a tiny crown on his head, and maybe holding a scepter to beat unruly commoners back with. I thought maybe he'd be an exceptional child, capable of holding a polite conversation and maybe even crawling around on the street a little, in a dignified manner, of course. I would have liked to hear his opinion on being born. There's only so much I can take of reporters asking various members of the royal family how they are feeling right now, as if anyone has a unique or compelling answer to that. It would have been nice to hear #RoyalBaby's thoughts on the issue.

I'm disappointed that Kate Middleton still looked pregnant when she walked outside holding that little bundle of joy. Only because, for all my life, I've wondered if you still look pregnant after you give birth or if your belly just deflates like a balloon with a great heave and a fart sound as you shoot the child from your crotch. I've never gotten a straight answer out of anyone about this. Now that I know the truth, I'm quite disappointed.

On the flip side, I'm disappointed at how great Kate Middleton looked in her polka dot dress and nude heels, a mere day after giving birth to a miniature old man AND a placenta, AND most likely pooing on the table. That's a lot going on, and I can't imagine looking that great, let alone wearing a dress so soon after labor. I've been told that I'll probably need a good supply of adult diapers if I ever give birth, so the only outfit I'll be wearing out in public is maybe a sweatsuit or some harem pants.

Image via People
Clearly she got a blow-out before leaving the hospital. Did she go tanning too? What the hell.

And finally, I'm disappointed that Kate used the queen's gynecologist to deliver the thing. Or rather, I'm disappointed that the media had to point that out. I never really thought about whether the queen used a gynecologist or whether she had a vagina, but now I'm thinking about it. And I don't like it.


  1. By far your best post to date. Love it.

  2. I assume the baby's name was actually #RoyalBaby. The full name is Prince #RoyalBaby Benedict Diana Cumberbatch of Cambridge.

  3. I'm disappointed that you pointed out that Kate probably pooed on the table. Can't get the image out of my head.

  4. Kate totally upstaged #RoyalBaby in his first public appearance. Just sayin'.

  5. The most honest reportage of the #RoyalBaby that I have read. I'm British, so we got a lot.
    The fact that reporters were camped at the hospital for 10 days or so before the baby was born WATCHING A DOOR AND GETTING PAID FOR IT?! Why don't I have that job?


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