Monday, July 29, 2013

The 5 People You Meet in Hell

I've never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, but I'm assuming it's merely a list of five people who were exceptionally pious in life. I'm guessing it's God/Jesus, Saint Peter (heaven's bouncer), Mother Teresa, Mary (Jesus' mom), and whoever invented whipped cream in a can.

 Image via Taste of Home
I like that this photo of whipped cream looks like a lonely dollop of poo, but white.

Now, obviously, heaven rocks. I've heard you can eat whatever you want without gaining any weight, sleep on clouds, and never die because you're already dead. However, that's kind of boring. I would rather talk about all the assholes who you'll meet in hell. I love complaining about douches. Hell, I have a "douche" tag on my blog so you can find all the posts I've written about various and sundry douches.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My Disappointments Regarding the #RoyalBaby

I watched the live video feed with bated breath yesterday to catch Kate and Will's hospital exit with the #RoyalBaby. The excitement of live television devoid of any action reminded me of the last time I watched a screen full of British people doing nothing for hours, which was the royal wedding. At least this time they had the foresight to wait until a decent hour so the Americans could watch too.

When I watched the royal wedding, I was frankly disappointed by the end. I had missed a good three hours of sleep for the privelege of watching these schmucks get married, and when I realized we didn't actually get to see the reception, I was disappointed. I wanted to hear Prince Harry's borderline offensive best man speech. I wanted to see Pippa cut a rug and possibly rip her dress on the dance floor. I wanted to see firsthand how one goes about cutting a cake that is the size of a small car, because I certainly did not understand the logistics of that cake.

Image via People

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

What's up with...Zoos?

Despite the fact that I have a zoo pass for the third year in a row, I really just don't like zoos. Whenever I say that to someone, you'd think I had just said I don't eat chocolate or I never bathe or I listen to Limp Bizkit. Those are the kind of reactions I always get. It seems that America has embraced the zoo, and I'm alone in my dislike.

But who wants to spend their day sweating and walking around a park full of caged animals, dodging stray peacocks, children, and other small animals? Don't get me wrong, I love caged animals. Especially when they are the kind that would rip me to bloody shreds if they weren't caged. Let's keep that under lock and key. I'm all for it. But would it kill the animals to look a little less depressed in their sad, faux habitats? Especially the ones kept inside with the glass dividers, with murals painted on the walls to look like they're in the rainforest instead of a cement jail cell. Couldn't they show a little appreciation for the artistic detailing in those murals? Animals are so ungrateful.

 Image via World Wildlife
"Don't look at me."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Review of a Review

My book got its first review on Amazon! (By the way, this blog isn't going to become a never-ending infomercial for a 44-page eBook, I promise.) I'm going to give this review 5 stars, not because she gave me 5 stars, but because it was the first one and I'm giddy.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Phone is an A******

Side note: If you pre-ordered my book, it's available to read today! And if you didn't pre-order it, you can still buy it today and read it as soon as your heart desires. It's not like it's going to sell out. (And here it is on iTunes for all you Apple lovers.)
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Chris has been talking to himself a lot lately. Or so I thought. Our house is large enough that one person can have a conversation without the other one hearing clearly,  but not large enough to provide complete sound proofing. So lately as I've been sitting in the living room, contemplating world hunger, I keep hearing muffled talking from the other wing of the house.

"What are you saying?" I yell to him.

"Nothing!" he'll yell back.

So I assumed he was talking to himself, and I thought nothing of it because he's slowly becoming a mad scientist, and I'm cool with it.

But then it happened when I was in the same room with him. "I'm on my way. Are you there yet?" he said as we were leaving the house to meet friends.

"What?" I said. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," he said, putting his phone away. "I was just texting."

"No, you were speaking. That's literally not texting."

He explained that he'd just discovered the voice activation button on his phone, a full year after purchasing it. Lord help us all.

 No, I couldn't have at least wiped the screens down before taking this photo. I am busy.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Food I Don't Understand

Eating is an important part of being a human being, namely an American human being, and Lord knows I do a lot of it. But I would never call myself a foodie, partly because I spend so much time eating generic chocolate chips straight from the bag, and partly because I just don't understand many types of food, such as Cajun sushi and pho. Here's what else baffles my gustatory experience:

This is me eating.

I bought an artichoke in the produce department with the intention of cooking it and eating it. A girl in line behind me at the checkout asked if I was "like, making your own artichoke dip or something?" After experiencing the cooking and eating of a whole artichoke, I can safely tell you that I have no clue how artichoke dip could possibly be made. In order to get actual food from an artichoke, you need to rip it to shreds, gnaw on the leaves, scrape your teeth agains the meat, and then not even swallow because there's no actual food in your mouth. As I worked my way through the artichoke, eating what was probably inedible plant fiber, I consoled myself with the fact that I would eventually get to the heart. However, when I got there, it was covered in what I can only describe as cilia and the size of a garlic clove. It tasted like the rest of the inedible plant fiber too. At the end of the day, eating an artichoke is just too much work for me. If I wanted to work for my food I would take up hunting or become an indentured servant.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I'm Not Pregnant, But...

It's been ages since I announced that there would be a big announcement, and finally, the time has come for me to announce that the announcement is happening today. As in, right now.

And while I'm not announcing a pregnancy (seriously, I'm not), I have been sitting on this secret for almost three months. Okay drumroll please.

The secret is...

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Reasons I'm Upset Right Now

Not to be negative or anything, but I hate the world right now. You think that's a little harsh? Overdramatic? Well, then you must not be aware that Avril Lavigne married Chad Kroeger this week. The two patriotic love birds thought it would be romantic to get married on Canada Day, which I can only assume is a knockoff of the 4th of July?? (Kidding, angry Canadians! Don't worry, I know what Canada Day is. I have access to Wikipedia.) Anyway, the fact that they got married isn't what's making me hate the world. In fact, I love the poetry of it all. They make a great couple. What I'm upset about is how awesome their wedding sounded. First off, their wedding lasted like 5 days. I know that's how it works when you're a celebrity, but I didn't realize these two counted.

 Image via People

Monday, July 1, 2013

A TV Show for Every Occupation

When people complain about shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, The Bachelorette, and the late, great Simple Life series, I tend to get a little annoyed. You see, at least these shows can teach you about important life skills like dressing oneself or milking a cow. At least you'll be better prepared for bar trivia after watching a few E! marathons. The same can not be said for all television shows.

 Image via Wikipedia