Thursday, June 20, 2013

Getting a Haircut is Awkward

If I didn't know any better, I would accuse myself of purposely creating awkward experiences just for the blog fodder. I can't get through a day without doing something humiliating. I can't even get a haircut without it being the most awkward experience of my life.

So last week I decided to get a haircut, and I was already really nervous to go because I had to drive on the highway and park downtown all alone, and driving terrifies me for no reason. So when I managed to get there on time without crashing my car or getting a moving violation, I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, the driving was the least of my worries.

1:58 PM The receptionist has me fill out a new client questionnaire that includes questions like "what do you love about your hair?" and "what activities do you enjoy?" I couldn't fit all of my answers to the first question, and I had trouble coming up with answers for the second one. Does gazing lovingly at my hair in the mirror count as an activity?

2:00 PM I ask the receptionist where the bathroom is. She dictates a series of hallways and turns to take, and doors to open, and somehow I comprehend none of what she says. Instead, I find myself wandering through their spa and come this close to opening the door of one of their spa rooms, which probably housed a naked person getting a sensual, naked massage. I'm glad I thought better of that.

Could you find the bathroom in this hallway? No.


2:03 PM The stylist sits me down and starts running her hands through my hair and I regret not washing it before. Why am I so sweaty? Why do I have to look at my sweaty self sitting in front of this mirror the whole time?

2:05 PM She asks if I want a deep conditioning treatment. I had seen on their Facebook page earlier that day that they were having a promotion for a free conditioning treatment with each haircut, so I start to say yes. "It's only an extra $15," she says. "And you really should if you're trying to grow your hair out." So I finish saying yes even though I don't want to pay $15 for a deep conditioning treatment. I don't mention the Facebook promotion because that would make me a normal human being.

2:16 PM The deep conditioner is on my hair with a towel wrapped around it. As soon as the stylist walks away, the towel falls off and I'm too inept to figure out how to put it back on. She comes back 5 minutes later, and when I ask her to put the towel back on she says it's time for it to come off anyway.

2:30 PM She asks what kind of hair products I use. I laugh awkwardly and say "Shampoo and conditioner." And she looks uncomfortable and says "Oh really?"

2:45 PM Our conversation consists of her asking me what my plans are for the night/weekend/summer and me saying "Oh not much really," because for some reason I can't remember if I have plans, if I've ever had plans, or what plans even are. I also don't know if I'm supposed to be asking about her life or if that would be weird, so I keep the conversation one-sided, like a true douche.

 Why are there Barbies in this photo? Don't worry about it.

2:55 PM As she straightens my hair she says "Really though, you don't use any products? Not even a thermal protector?" And I say "Uh, no" and mumble something about not knowing what that even is. She looks disdainful and distrustful, which I suppose is how I would look if someone told me they don't read any blogs.

3:04 PM She spins me around so she can work on the other side, and I'm face-to-face with another client. We awkwardly stare at each other.

3:11 PM I notice her inspecting a lock of my hair in the back, and she says "Have you been painting?" I momentarily forget what painting is and say "What?" She repeats herself, and I say "Umm, not in a while. Why, is there paint in my hair?" She says yes and I say "Wow, that's terrible."

3:12 PM "How long is 'a while?'" she asks. "Um, like several weeks," I say. In reality, it's more like a month and a half. How could I have missed paint in my hair through a month and a half of washing? I'm an animal.

3:13 PM She wishes she didn't have to keep making physical contact with my disgusting paint hair.

3:20 PM My hair is done and she asks how it feels. "It looks great!" I say. "I mean, it feels great." She says I can follow her to the front desk, and I trip over the chair on my way up.

And here's the after pic:
Photo by Chris. He took this photo for me for a special reason to be announced, not just for a blog post about my hair cut. Get. Excited. Details coming soon...

Am I the only one who's had awkward hair salon experiences? Share your stories!


16 comments:

  1. This reads like my life. My awkward experiences in salons make me wonder if I lack the ability to interact normally with others. I pray that I'll get a chatty stylist so that I will be able to sit quietly, thus limiting my opportunities to be awkward. I've been keeping my hair shorter lately, but the fear of going to a salon makes me consider growing my hair out again.

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    1. I always pray I'll get a socially awkward stylist so she'll think I'm cool by comparison!

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  2. It sounds like that person might not have been very nice. But your hair looks great, and I can't wait to hear your announcement.

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    1. Haha I think I made her sound bad. She actually did a great job on my hair, but I'm just incapable of having normal human interaction.

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  3. Honestly I usually just go to Great Clips and have them hack off the bottom few inches. I used to get real haircuts, from this great guy in my hometown, but then he straight up stood me up for a haircut and I never went back. Not just because he kept me waiting on the sidewalk for an hour before I finally gave up and left (I didn't really have anything else to do) but also because then I decided to let it get longer, and then I had my mom cut it, and then I decided to actually grow it out for my wedding.

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    1. I used to just go to Great Clips when I was a kid, but no more! My hair is so thick that if I don't have a good stylist, it can be horrifying for onlookers.

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  4. First of all, your hair looks amazing. Probably due to that deep conditioning.

    I am always awkward with people at salons. I think it's because I'm trying too hard to be nice so that they don't screw up my hair on purpose and it just comes out weird and unnatural.

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    1. thank you! I never even thought of them screwing up my hair! I need to come prepared with conversation topics next time hahahaha

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  5. Hahaha I love the comparison between non-blog readers and your lack of product. :)

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    1. thanks haha :) I was trying to determine how weird I must sound to a professional hair stylist.

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  6. hahaha What is a thermal protector? I always perplex stylists because I don't dye my hair or style it at all. I only blow dry it so I don't leave the house with wet hair. Apparently, I'm a unicorn of modern female hair behavior. Your hair is super cute!

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  7. I thought I was the only one with awkward stylist interaction problems. I've waited an absurd amount of time to get my hair cut to avoid this exact situation.

    Molly, I also don't dye or style my hair either, I don't even blow dry because I wash it at night so it dries overnight. I'm a hair weirdo too, apparently!

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    1. Same for me! I'm too lazy and uninformed to dye my hair at this point in life. I'll wait until I go gray or have a midlife crisis requiring a drastic hair change. And sleeping with wet hair actually yields the best results for me! But I have "curly" hair, which is to say, it is poofy and wavy at best when I air dry or blow dry.

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  8. ...and this is why I have my MIL cut my hair :) Really though, I've never been to a fancy hair place, I would've decked that lady for being snooty to me about MY hair.

    Before my MIL, I used to go to a small chain. Affordable, but does a great job. I do love my hairstylist there, and my mom goes to her monthly.

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  9. This is freaking hilarious and so right on..... any woman who doesn't admit to having an awkward salon or spa experience is a liar.

    I will never forget the first time I went to what I deemed a "fancy" salon, and the receptionist ordered me to put a smock on, led me into a walk-in closet, and shut the door. I must've stood there, frozen, for about 2 solid minutes, not knowing if I should take my shirt off underneath? Or just put the smock on over it? I can't believe how tormented I was in that moment! I was SO afraid of being the one idiot who was wearing her smock the wrong way, and who's stupidity the employees would snicker at, behind my back. I wanted desperately to do it the right way, and be "cool" in the salon girls eyes. That was about 10 years ago, and through countless salons and appointments- I'm pretty sure I have yet to achieve that coolness. Oh, but as a sidenote- I did decide to keep the shirt on underneath. Better to have too much clothing on, in unsure situations, than not enough, I say.....

    P.S. I ALWAYS trip over that dang salon chair, with it's weird, metal bar!!! Ugh, the free wine I consume a little too eagarly during my appointment probably doesn't do me any favors.

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    1. Wait, what happened in the walk-in closet??? I'm intrigued! And free wine? wtf, I'm definitely going to the wrong types of salons.

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