So last week I decided to get a haircut, and I was already really nervous to go because I had to drive on the highway and park downtown all alone, and driving terrifies me for no reason. So when I managed to get there on time without crashing my car or getting a moving violation, I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, the driving was the least of my worries.
1:58 PM The receptionist has me fill out a new client questionnaire that includes questions like "what do you love about your hair?" and "what activities do you enjoy?" I couldn't fit all of my answers to the first question, and I had trouble coming up with answers for the second one. Does gazing lovingly at my hair in the mirror count as an activity?
2:00 PM I ask the receptionist where the bathroom is. She dictates a series of hallways and turns to take, and doors to open, and somehow I comprehend none of what she says. Instead, I find myself wandering through their spa and come this close to opening the door of one of their spa rooms, which probably housed a naked person getting a sensual, naked massage. I'm glad I thought better of that.
Could you find the bathroom in this hallway? No.
2:03 PM The stylist sits me down and starts running her hands through my hair and I regret not washing it before. Why am I so sweaty? Why do I have to look at my sweaty self sitting in front of this mirror the whole time?
2:05 PM She asks if I want a deep conditioning treatment. I had seen on their Facebook page earlier that day that they were having a promotion for a free conditioning treatment with each haircut, so I start to say yes. "It's only an extra $15," she says. "And you really should if you're trying to grow your hair out." So I finish saying yes even though I don't want to pay $15 for a deep conditioning treatment. I don't mention the Facebook promotion because that would make me a normal human being.
2:16 PM The deep conditioner is on my hair with a towel wrapped around it. As soon as the stylist walks away, the towel falls off and I'm too inept to figure out how to put it back on. She comes back 5 minutes later, and when I ask her to put the towel back on she says it's time for it to come off anyway.
2:30 PM She asks what kind of hair products I use. I laugh awkwardly and say "Shampoo and conditioner." And she looks uncomfortable and says "Oh really?"
2:45 PM Our conversation consists of her asking me what my plans are for the night/weekend/summer and me saying "Oh not much really," because for some reason I can't remember if I have plans, if I've ever had plans, or what plans even are. I also don't know if I'm supposed to be asking about her life or if that would be weird, so I keep the conversation one-sided, like a true douche.
Why are there Barbies in this photo? Don't worry about it.
2:55 PM As she straightens my hair she says "Really though, you don't use any products? Not even a thermal protector?" And I say "Uh, no" and mumble something about not knowing what that even is. She looks disdainful and distrustful, which I suppose is how I would look if someone told me they don't read any blogs.
3:04 PM She spins me around so she can work on the other side, and I'm face-to-face with another client. We awkwardly stare at each other.
3:11 PM I notice her inspecting a lock of my hair in the back, and she says "Have you been painting?" I momentarily forget what painting is and say "What?" She repeats herself, and I say "Umm, not in a while. Why, is there paint in my hair?" She says yes and I say "Wow, that's terrible."
3:12 PM "How long is 'a while?'" she asks. "Um, like several weeks," I say. In reality, it's more like a month and a half. How could I have missed paint in my hair through a month and a half of washing? I'm an animal.
3:13 PM She wishes she didn't have to keep making physical contact with my disgusting paint hair.
3:20 PM My hair is done and she asks how it feels. "It looks great!" I say. "I mean, it feels great." She says I can follow her to the front desk, and I trip over the chair on my way up.
And here's the after pic:
Photo by Chris. He took this photo for me for a special reason to be announced, not just for a blog post about my hair cut. Get. Excited. Details coming soon...
Am I the only one who's had awkward hair salon experiences? Share your stories!