Friday, May 10, 2013

How to Fail at Casting a Love Spell

When I was 12-14 years old, I thought I was a witch. I had had one too many psychic experiences in the past to ignore the fact that I was gifted with the power of clairvoyance. For instance, several times I predicted who was calling before picking up the phone, and this was before Caller ID, people! I would oftentimes know what my friends were going to say before they said it. I had a strong intuition about whether or not people were mad at me (they usually were). Plus, I'd always had this strange feeling that some magical witch spirit was following me around, like an evil, supernatural guardian angel, watching my every move.

I blame Harry Potter, Charmed, The Craft, and basically the entire WB lineup for my obsession with witchcraft. Witches were for my generation what vampires are for today's tweens. So just count your blessings that I didn't think I was a literal vampire.

My friend Amanda* and I decided to buy a book of spells. We stumbled upon it at the mall bookstore one day. It wasn't even hiding in the creepy Occult section--it was right out in the open on a display table. We convinced ourselves that we weren't creeps for buying it, because clearly witchcraft was having a moment. We were just following the trend!

And you can still buy it on Amazon

One night Amanda came over to my house and we cracked open the book. We both had major crushes on boys who barely knew we existed, and something needed to be done about that. The boy I liked was in my English class at school--he had unruly "longish" hair, a face full of pimples, and a seemingly endless supply of black band t-shirts. The guy Amanda liked was her lab partner and a pre-hipster, since hipsters hadn't been invented yet. 

We flipped through the Love Spell section, trying to figure out which spell was appropriate. We didn't want to end a lovers' quarrel--hard to do when you don't have a lover--and we didn't want to prevent a divorce since we weren't married. We didn't have access to an onion bulb, a lock of our lover's hair, or any magical essential oils, and we didn't want to spend several weeks moving salt and pepper shakers closer together. So that narrowed it down quite a bit. We finally decided to use the spell "To Attract The One You Love."


All it required was a white votive candle, a glass cup, and a lack of dignity. So we lit the candle, placed it in the cup, and willed the flame to rise. We repeated the chant, though the flame did not rise, and waited for the phone to ring. The guy I liked didn't have my phone number or even know my name, and there was no way for the guy she liked to have known she was at my house, let alone knowing my phone number. And yet, we waited with bated breath. Surely one or both would call any minute. I mean, we were doing magic. Wasn't that the whole point of magic? That crazy, unexplainable things could happen? They might even three-way call us, for all we knew!

After a few minutes of chanting and using our passion to will the flame to grow, we grew bored. So we abandoned the candle and moved to the living room to watch the VHS we'd rented from Blockbuster.

Seven years later, I was at a party in college, and I saw a hipster wearing one of his pant legs rolled up, sipping a PBR. He looks familiar, I thought. Where do I know him from? I spent most of the party trying to figure out where I knew him from, until it finally hit me.

"Oh, my God, you guys! See that guy over there?? My friend Amanda cast a love spell on him in 9th grade!" Just then he put his arm around a female hipster who was wearing a bohemian headband around her forehead. She looked like the type to have dabbled in love spells herself. Perhaps she was more diligent than we had been.

I have no idea what became of the guy I cast the love spell on. But I'm assuming, at this point, that he's not going to call.

*Not her real name. Also not the same Amanda from other stories.

8 comments:

  1. I totally owned this book. I blame charmed.

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    1. that's hilarious! I wonder if it was a best-seller. I blame Charmed as well. That was the best TV show to ever be made, basically.

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  2. What's hilarious is that my tween girl child has me watching it all over again! This shit comes around, yo. Shout out to ABC family for Full House reruns, too. And What's UP, Golden Girls?!

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    1. I can't get enough Full House in my life.

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  3. My mom wouldn't let us watch shows with witches! She thought we'd get all mixed up in the occult, or maybe an actual cult.

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    1. your mom was probably right! This blog post is what could have happened to her children!!

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  4. I'm jealous I never bought a book like this, it looks awesome! I loved all those witch shows, especially Sabrina with her awesome talking cat.

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  5. Oh my god, I've always wanted to try one of these... I guess I wasn't as good at finding things as you were. But the realization that I wasn't actually magical would've destroyed me so I'll see it as a good thing.

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