One of the first times I went out to a real bar was at a girly piano bar shortly after my 21st birthday. A friend and I decided to order "shots" the whole night, because we were letting loose and living it up. We were basically Taylor Swift at age 22, having the time of our lives, or having as good of a time as can be had when a middle aged man is playing "Don't Stop Believing" on the piano behind you.
We ordered all the shots with the dirtiest, filthiest, most embarrassing names. What did we care? We were young and carefree. If anyone's ears should turn pink, it was the bartender, not us. We ordered Blow Jobs, Buttery Nipples, Dirty Girl Scouts, Red Headed Sluts, and more. Apparently there's a shot called a "Long, Slow, Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall," which I definitely would have ordered if I'd known at the time.
Ordering drinks with stupid names is fun when you're having a tipsy girls night at a piano bar. But what if you're having dinner or a respectable night out and just want to order one or two drinks, nothing crazy, and the theme restaurant's menu is covered with "quirky" drink names like Tijuana Tea Tickler? How can you look your waiter in the yes and say, with a straight face, "I'll have a garden salad with dressing on the side, and a Tijuana Tea Tickler, please"?
I ordered a Screaming Orgasmatini once at a martini bar. It was one of those respectable nights out where you get one, maybe two, drinks, and everyone talks civilly about their careers before heading home early. Granted, I didn't have to order such a salacious drink, but it sounded delicious, and almost everything on the menu had an embarrassing name. When the waiter came by to get our drink orders, I was like "I'll have a screaming orgasm...uh...tini...please." Maybe these types of drinks, like shots of whiskey, are best consumed when you've already had a few and lost all semblance of inhibitions/taste buds.
This was called a "Kiss Me Doctor."
The worst is having to order an embarrassing food item. There's a place by Chris's old house that offers a Big Boob and a Fat Boob. I'm not sure what the boobs even are. Assuming they're just giant hamburgers, what are you supposed to do if you go there craving a giant hamburger? Your options are: 1) Order something else and deny your craving in favor of a less embarrassing name, 2) Just call it a hamburger instead, making yourself look like an awkward fun-hater, or 3) Go ahead and confidently order the Fat Boob like a P.I.M.P. Personally, I am not a P.I.M.P., so I'd probably go with option 2.
Ethnic restaurants often have non-English menu items. If it's a Chinese or Thai place, I usually just point and grunt until the waiter understands what I want. I think that's why these restaurants usually have their entrees numbered. It's easier to say "I'll have a number 37" than "I'll have the Blah Mhuk Tod." There's no way I'd ever pronounce that correctly. I haven't been able to get in on America's love affair with Pho, because I am just not talented enough to say that word. Apparently it sounds something like "fuh," or like when you stop yourself mid-curse: "What the fuhhhhhh." But I've heard various pronunciations, including this perplexing video:
After I watched this video I was like "What the fuhhhhhh."
Mexican restaurants are a little trickier, because a lot of the food names have been Americanized. For instance, do I order a "buh-reed-o," or am I expected to roll my 'r' a little to show respect for Mexican culture? Would that be douchey? And if the vegetarian fajitas are called "Fajitas Vegetarianas," do I say that, or do I say "vegetarian fajita?"
And don't even get me started on French restaurants. The better your French accent is, the douchier you sound. Simultaneously, the worse your French accent is, the douchier you sound. You can't win. Chris and I went to a fancy French restaurant for Valentine's Day one year, and his attempts to order a "Phyllo Brique Niçoise" were just sad. "Can we have the Fye-low brick...thing?" And the waiter, who had just previously spoken to us in a Chicago accent, replied "Oh, you mean ze fee-lo breek nee-swahz? Très bien, monsieur. I'll get zat right away."