Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Bachelorette Lookalikes and Things I Didn't Think

I decided to start watching The Bachelor last season after a decade-long hiatus. That's right, it had been a literal decade since I last watched the show. During Sean's season, I fell asleep nearly every episode (again, I'm speaking literally) so I never blogged about it. This season of The Bachelorette, however, is shaping up to be amazing, judging by the first episode. Between the insufferable bachelorette Desiree and the parade of rodeo clowns who tumbled out of limos, one after the other, I haven't seen a Bachelorette premier this entertaining since, well, 2003. While I was watching, I had some thoughts. First, my reactions to the men:

All of the men look the same.
Is that racist of me, even though I'm white and most of them are also white? I can honestly say that pretty much all men look the same to me, especially on this show. For instance:

How are these different people?

 The only difference is the lazy eye.

 The third guy is slightly different, but I'm convinced the other two are literally the same.

 Maybe I'm just distracted by the similar shirts.

Standard hotties. The middle one also looks like a Hemsworth brother. Come to Daddy. Any/all of you.

 If Ken dolls were brunette and real, they would be both of these guys.

On a similar note, this guy looks like one of the Marymount Mathletes from Mean Girls, amirite?

The Custom Clothier/Magician needs to win!
Spoiler alert: he already didn't win. But whyyyy?? He was the best one! He was capable of tailoring clothing, performing magic tricks, and making dad jokes, all while looking like Count Chocula/Dracula/Eddie Munster! He could have lent that spooky je ne sais quoi that every season needs.

What's with the stupid gimmicks?
Why did every single guy have to do a stupid gimmick when they got out of the limo? I don't remember this being par for the course back in '03. From the "knight in shining armor" to the shirtless guy to the guy who brought his kid and the guy who made Desiree rip her dress doing a dip, they were all awesomely lame and awkward. The weren't enough cringes in the world for all of the secondhand embarrassment I felt on behalf of all parties. I'm also embarrassed for all the guys who admitted to watching the previous season of The Bachelor. And myself, for admitting it a few paragraphs ago.

And I don't understand the guys who signed up without knowing who the bachelorette would be. Isn't that...kind of...the point? I wonder what kinds of complicated algorithms they use to select people as contestants. Clearly, it's a highly scientific process, since they managed to find 25 identical men.

 And now for 13 Things I Wasn't Thinking while I watched:
  1. Chris Harrison seems like a nice person. 
  2. Desiree also seems like a nice, genuine person.
  3. I miss Desiree's baby bangs from last season.
  4. I wonder if these scenes of her chasing seagulls and trying on cowboy hats all alone were staged.
  5. I love the way Desiree laughs after each sentence.
  6. I'm digging Juan Pablo's Tommy Wiseau accent
  7. I've never seen a more comfortable looking dress than the one Desiree wears on the first night.
  8. Everything about Larry makes me swoon, from the way he repeatedly removes his glasses to his fixation on "the dip." Also, Larry was not creepy as phở.
  9. I would go to the fantasy suite with Jonathan in a heartbeat. And I would deplete his very large love tank.
  10. Guys who say "There she is!" when a woman walks into the room are the best, most eloquent guys.
  11. Why am I eating pie?
  12. One of the contestants is an entrepreneur who invented the concept of spinning a promotional sign on the street corner, and that is genius. He deserves to be rich and successful.
  13. It only took 41 minutes of air time before someone mentioned "being here for the right reasons."
Did you watch The Bachelorette? What did you think? Or why do you choose not to watch?


  1. God, I hate this show so much. I heard it had bad ratings, so maybe America will soon be free of this awful franchise.

    A+ for the Tommy Wiseau shoutout. :-)

    1. nooo! not now that I finally got back into it! lol just kidding, I agree. The fact that I can barely stay awake during it tells me I might just be wasting my time.

  2. I've never watched any of the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. I prefer to watch classier things, like Bret Michaels' Rock of Love Bus. (BTW, did you know he's doing another new show - Rock My RV, which I thought would be an even CLASSIER dating show, but instead it's like Pimp My Ride, but with RVs.)

    1. I used to watch "Shot at Love" with Tila Tequila on the reg. No shame.

  3. hahaha, LOVE this post!! I watched Sean's season after taking a several year hiatus. I was going to watch the other night but then figured I could catch it On Demand if I'm bored. The guys all look scarily alike!

    1. Watching it might make you even more bored, just a warning. Though my intense dislike of Desiree is keeping me interested so far.

  4. Hahaha well said :)

    Desiree cries wayyyy too much (new drinking game - take a shot every time Desiree starts sobbing?) - I think that alone will deter me from watching any more episodes. I predict that she'll have a tough choice between the Dallas dad and Juan Pablo. She'll probably go for the dad, depending on how much baggage he carries.

    1. I thought the Dallas dad was going to be a front runner, but I saw the "scenes from this season" and I think he's actually the villain! Which is too bad, because his child won my heart. And Juan Pablo has a neck beard...My choice remains the magician.

  5. I'm not going to judge anyone for watching crappy reality television, because MAN, LIFE IS HARD and sometimes you just need some Real Housewives to make yourself feel better, but I seriously thought people stopped watching this show after Ed and Jillian. It's not that the show is bad, it's that the show is BORING. This shiz is the same as it was from the very beginning. Also, Bachelor/ette, the jig is up! America now knows it is NOT possible to meet someone and fall in love in a matter of months while TV cameras follow your every move and live happily ever after. Hello, wronged woman Melissa Rycroft?! Hello, Jake and Vienna?! The guys is the aqua shirts are scary as hell. This is funny as hell.

    1. I usually watch reality shows to make me feel better about myself, but the people on the Bachelor/Bachelorette are all so damn good looking that it doesn't really work. And yeah, those v-neck shirts have got to go.

  6. True story about the highly scientific process of selecting contestants. I was also fascinated by this process, and one of my barely-started novels (I think I got about 800 words in) was about a woman who had been dared to try to get on The Bachelor by a mischievous friend. Hilarity in the selection process ensued.

  7. For the love of all that is holy in this world, please watch at episode of "Burning Love"

  8. I. just. can't. Burning love is amazing though.

  9. Ha, no. I dislike anything reality tv. But you nailed it on the Mean Girls doppelganger.


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