Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10 Reasons I Could Never Be a Mommy

You wouldn't believe how many people thought I was pregnant when I gave up alcohol for Lent. I suppose it makes sense, considering I know several people my age who are not only pregnant, but who got pregnant on purpose. I guess for the rest of my life I'll be subject to bump watch. It's a shame for those people who enjoy watching out for bumps, because they'll be getting a lot of false positives from me; I look like I'm about 3 months pregnant pretty much every day after lunch.

 Our kids would look even drunker than we did.



It feels like just yesterday, people were lecturing about staying away from boys who are "only interested in one thing." People were saying things like "Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool." People made it their business to keep boys and girls from engaging in activities that could result in a baby. And I was okay with this, because for most of my life I was too awkward to communicate with the opposite sex anyway. Plus, I didn't want a baby.

But now? People my age are getting pregnant on purpose. Their parents are congratulating them for it. They're able to financially provide for the child when it's born. They're even taking their pre-natal vitamins and excelling at Lamaze class. No one's a statistic. And just about every middle aged person I know is asking me when it'll be my turn.

Um, hello? I'm still a child myself. How could I possibly raise a child to be decent human being when I'm too busy listening to Creed and longing for squirreldom?? If I had to play with my kid, I wouldn't share any of the toys with him.

 According to The Baby Morpher on TheBump, our baby would look like this smarmy fellow. I respect that.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. There are many other reasons for me to avoid motherhood:
  1. I hate the word "mommy." I don't want to take a "mommy and me" class. I don't want to be a mommy blogger. I don't want to refer to myself in third person unless I'm in the process of ripping off my shirt and yelling "KARISA ANGRY." That doesn't work with "mommy."
  2. Children are creepy, drunk assholes. (I get all my information about life from Buzzfeed, by the way.) Children are basically always That Guy who always needs to be helped into a cab at the end of the night. I don't really mind assholes in small doses, but when you have a child, there's no such thing as small doses. And creepy people? I can't handle that. There's nothing creepier than a child singing a children's song slowly and quietly. That's why literally every horror movie trailer employs this gimmick. It friggin' works.
  3. Diaper "blow outs." No.
  4. Placentas. NO.
  5. Apparently you poop when you give birth, and your husband is just supposed to witness that and be all "It's okay, honey, let's make another baby later! I can totally unsee that!"
  6. You can't drink alcohol while you're pregnant. You can't drink coffee either. You can't eat sushi or feta cheese or anything else that brings joy to my daily life. You also can't indulge if you're breast feeding, apparently. Also, breast feeding. Also "nipple" becomes a part of your everyday lexicon.
  7. Whenever you see a child throwing a temper tantrum at the grocery store, what's the first thing you think? You think "Bad parenting." But have you ever considered that maybe the kid is just being a huge asshole? (see #2, above.) I acknowledge the fact that I will never be good at shutting down a child's temper tantrum, so can I please have a Get Out of Parenthood Free card?
  8. You can't sleep with a blankie if you have a kid who also sleeps with a blankie in the next room.
  9. It costs approximately $235,000 to raise a kid to age 18. I will never have that kind of cheddar.
  10. If I ever did have a child, I'd probably become obsessed with it, and then I'd be boring.

7 comments:

  1. Hahaha, yes, all of these reasons are 100% legit and spot on.

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  2. Rock on, girl! I don't understand why people are so obsessed with a woman having a baby after she gets married. I love and adore my nephew but motherhood is just NOT for me and I get those questions at every.family.function since getting married almost 3 years ago!

    P.S. popping in from Weddingbee :-)

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  3. Exactly!! I feel the same way on ALL of this.

    P.S. I am also from Weddingbee! :) (and Marquette! Woot!)

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  4. I had to stop reading halfway through to go see what my future baby with my husband will look like. The first time it generated a boy and he definitely looked like a douchebag but the second iteration was a girl and she was kind of cute. Now I'm thinking about a kind of cute mashup between me and the mister. Damn you, Karisa! So not in the 5 year plan!

    P.S. kids are creepy.

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  5. Well, I'm biased because I already have my own precious little asshole ( I can call her that if I want; she's mine.) but I would like to add #11. It just happens, no matter what you try to do to prevent it, one day you will find yourself...

    11. Becoming YOUR Mother.

    It comes completed with the finger that just jumps on your hand and the tone only a mother can use to let you know you are truly in deep shit. It's horrifying. I swore it wouldn't happen to me

    ReplyDelete

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