Thursday, May 30, 2013

Woe is Me

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel sad for no reason, which is the worst because there's nothing I can do to make it better, and I can't even say "if only this were different, I'd be happy." If my job sucked, I'd start looking elsewhere. If it were my marriage, I'd talk to my husband or get counseling. If I felt self conscious about my post-wedding weight gain, I'd eat pie and consider exercising. If my house were being taken over by spiders, I'd call Ghostbusters/the Orkin Man.

But aside from the spiders, I don't really have any tangible problems. I'm just in a general state of malaise. Whenever I get into these funks, the scariest part is that I can't imagine ever getting out. Since there's no real cause or problem, there's no solution either. But of course that's not true.

Image via Animal-Space
I know I've already used this photo, but it was worth reusing.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Bachelorette Lookalikes and Things I Didn't Think

I decided to start watching The Bachelor last season after a decade-long hiatus. That's right, it had been a literal decade since I last watched the show. During Sean's season, I fell asleep nearly every episode (again, I'm speaking literally) so I never blogged about it. This season of The Bachelorette, however, is shaping up to be amazing, judging by the first episode. Between the insufferable bachelorette Desiree and the parade of rodeo clowns who tumbled out of limos, one after the other, I haven't seen a Bachelorette premier this entertaining since, well, 2003. While I was watching, I had some thoughts. First, my reactions to the men:

All of the men look the same.
Is that racist of me, even though I'm white and most of them are also white? I can honestly say that pretty much all men look the same to me, especially on this show. For instance:

How are these different people?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

If I Went to Therapy

I felt pretty good about myself after slaying Pete single-handedly. I thought "Hey, maybe my fear of spiders isn't so bad after all." After I posted about The Spider Incident, Chris and I went down to the basement to watch a movie, and I went to check on Pete's rotting carcass in the windowsill.

 I expected to see this.

"How's Pete doing?" I asked.

"Are you sure he's dead?" Chris said.

"Yeah, trust me, he's dead. Look at his rotting carcass! He's obviously dead!"

"Really? He's still in his web though..."

As Chris ran back upstairs to grab something he'd forgotten, I realized what he'd been looking at, and it wasn't Pete. There was another, bigger, badder spider living in that windowsill. He had probably commandeered Pete's web like the thieving bastard he was.

This is what he looked like.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

All the Times I've Tripped and Fallen

It was Christmas night. The family festivities had died down, and a friend called to see if I wanted to grab a drink.Christmas was one of the few times old friends were all in the same town again, so I went out. The bar was packed, there was a live band, and the place wasn't closing until 4 AM. Apparently lots of people drink their feelings on Christmas night.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Writing Elsewhere

I've been doing some writing for Thought Catalog lately, so if you just can't get enough of me, here are 5 other things I've written that you may not have seen:

This picture has nothing to do with anything.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

25 Questions I'd Like a Definitive Answer To

Throughout my life, I have had many questions about the world. Some of them were simple
questions that my parents could answer. For some, I learned the answers in school. Some were
taken care of with a quick Google search. But for many of my questions, I have been unable
to get a straight answer out of anyone. I get a different answer from one person to the next;
everyone seems confused, and rumors fly with abandon. Well, I’m sick of it. It’s time I got a
definitive answer to these questions.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

That Time I Tweeted Nissan

I bought a brand new car two years ago, and even though my husband and I share the car now, it's technically only mine. I tried to add him to the account after we got married, but I was too incompetent to figure out how to do it, so I gave up. The bills come to only me, and when Nissan inevitably screws something up with my billing, only I have the authority to fix it. And given my history of incompetence with adult things (see two sentences ago), this has proven unfortunate.

Friday, May 10, 2013

How to Fail at Casting a Love Spell

When I was 12-14 years old, I thought I was a witch. I had had one too many psychic experiences in the past to ignore the fact that I was gifted with the power of clairvoyance. For instance, several times I predicted who was calling before picking up the phone, and this was before Caller ID, people! I would oftentimes know what my friends were going to say before they said it. I had a strong intuition about whether or not people were mad at me (they usually were). Plus, I'd always had this strange feeling that some magical witch spirit was following me around, like an evil, supernatural guardian angel, watching my every move.

I blame Harry Potter, Charmed, The Craft, and basically the entire WB lineup for my obsession with witchcraft. Witches were for my generation what vampires are for today's tweens. So just count your blessings that I didn't think I was a literal vampire.

My friend Amanda* and I decided to buy a book of spells. We stumbled upon it at the mall bookstore one day. It wasn't even hiding in the creepy Occult section--it was right out in the open on a display table. We convinced ourselves that we weren't creeps for buying it, because clearly witchcraft was having a moment. We were just following the trend!

And you can still buy it on Amazon

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Down With Stupid Menu Items

We've already established that ordering drinks at a bar can be quite the ordeal. You have to decide what to get, catch the bartender's attention, open or close the tab, leave a tip, etc. But at least if you're ordering a rum and coke or a Guiness, you can look the bartender in the eye and not feel like a total fool as you order. What happens if your favorite drink just happens to be a Sex on the Beach? Then every time you go to the bar, you have to announce to the bartender, and whoever else is in earshot, that you'd like to have Sex on the Beach. "The drink, not the act," you'll add with a chuckle.

One of the first times I went out to a real bar was at a girly piano bar shortly after my 21st birthday. A friend and I decided to order "shots" the whole night, because we were letting loose and living it up. We were basically Taylor Swift at age 22, having the time of our lives, or having as good of a time as can be had when a middle aged man is playing "Don't Stop Believing" on the piano behind you.

 Friend's photo

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Spider Incident

I hate spiders. I know no one actually likes spiders, but I really hate them. In fact, I'm one of those annoying people who has to go tell it on the mountain about how much I hate spiders every chance I get. That's why I'm blogging about it now. It seems like something everyone should know about me. I once bawled on the phone to Chris about how spiders "shouldn't be allowed to exist in this world" and how it wasn't fair that we had to share the earth with them. The sobbing lasted for a good 10 minutes until I basically cried myself to sleep like a baby. It was late at night, I had PMS, and I'd just encountered the largest spider of my life in the basement. It was a weak point in my personal history.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10 Reasons I Could Never Be a Mommy

You wouldn't believe how many people thought I was pregnant when I gave up alcohol for Lent. I suppose it makes sense, considering I know several people my age who are not only pregnant, but who got pregnant on purpose. I guess for the rest of my life I'll be subject to bump watch. It's a shame for those people who enjoy watching out for bumps, because they'll be getting a lot of false positives from me; I look like I'm about 3 months pregnant pretty much every day after lunch.

 Our kids would look even drunker than we did.