Thursday, April 4, 2013

People I Would Kick Out of Bed for Eating Crackers

A friend pointed out that I seem to have a remarkably high tolerance for people eating crackers in my bed. Just who would I kick out of bed for eating crackers, she wondered. That's a good question. If not Bruno Mars, then who? If not Justin friggin' Bieber, THEN WHO?

Despite how it may seem, I am actually quite discerning when it comes to bedtime cracker consumption. Here's a brief list that I just came up with off the top of my head:

Evil Dictators: Evil dictators are just not good people, and I don't allow bad people into my house, let alone my pantry followed by my bed. No crackers for you, Kim Jong-il/un! You both look like a nerdy little boy who grew up to be a nerdy-man-who-looks-like-a-woman. Which is to say, an old lesbian. And Osama bin Laden, rest your soul (haha jk), your face looks like Kim Jong-il/un's unshaved armpit. I would never, and I repeat, never grant him access to my Triscuits.

You can have that haircut or that second chin. Not both, if you don't want to get kicked out of bed.

Adam Levine: I hate his stupid voice so much, so inviting him to eat crackers under the covers is probably the last thing I'd want to do with him. Then again, who can really talk or sing with a mouth full of Chicken in a Biskit? Maybe crackers are the answer after all...peanut butter crackers! So he'd never be able to pry his tongue from the roof of his mouth again, thus rendering our radio airwaves Adam Levine-free! Okay, so maybe I would invite him to eat crackers in bed, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't then proceed to kick him out. A woman's prerogative is to change her mind!

 Image via all over the friggin internet
I hate this photo so much. I hate how low the camera goes. NOT NECESSARY. What's wrong with his hips?? UGH. Go home, Adam Levine. You're drunk.

Fat Bastard: I've seen what it looks like when he eats fried chicken in bed, and while I imagine crackers are slightly less disgusting, it's still an image I can't unsee. Plus, he's on a low-carb diet now, so crackers aren't gonna fly. Carbs are the enemy, eh? I'd kick him out just to keep him on track with his dieting.
Edward Scissorhands: Have you ever tried cutting a cracker with a pair of scissors? Or even a knife? Even if you haven't, you can picture in your mind what would happen to the poor crackers. Instead of making a nice, even cleft, the blades would just crumble the crackers into a million tiny crumbs that you would never be able to fully extricate your sheets from. Since Edward has scissors for hands, this would make eating crackers difficult. And I won't tolerate it in my bed.

Sugar Bear: This scenario isn't very plausible, considering his lack of teeth and lips, but if somehow Sugar Bear managed to McGyver a saltine through his pie-hole while chillin' in my bed, I'd be all "Get the hell out!" That said, he's my favorite character on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. He really makes the show.

Image via Hollywoodite

Lil Wayne: Those of you who have had braces, back me up on this: crackers are one of the worst things you can eat when it comes to keeping your grill clean. I don't ever want to witness Lil Wayne saying "This is how I Dew!" with a grill full or Ritz crumbs. Just no. Get out.

Who would you kick out of bed for eating crackers?


  1. Psh, I'm the only one allowed to eat crackers in my bed! And I don't even do that because I am a messy eater and hate crumbies!

  2. A friend of mine says she wouldn't kick hot celebrities out of bed for eating crackers, and I always tease her because it seems like such an old lady phrase. But maybe I'm just behind the times for NOT using it!

    Also, this is hysterical.

    1. My dad used to say it all the time and I thought it was such a hilarious phrase. So you're right, it probably is for old people.

  3. This post in hilarious. I'd have to agree with you in kicking all these guys out of bed and that the picture of Adam Levine is super creepy and unnecessary.

    1. I have a history of sharing creepy and unnecessary photos here. I guess I feel like, if I had to stumble across it, so should everyone else hahaha. Just be glad I spared you all a Fat Bastard photo!

  4. Thank gawd you wrote this post. If I had guest-posted, or written anything similar at all, I never would have thought to include Adam Levine's nasty crotch shot.

  5. You are hilarious! Love this

  6. Every body. I would kick every body out of my bed for eating crackers. I don't eat in my bed; you don't eat in my bed. That is all. I LOVE my bed. LOVE. It's a lake size bed, there's room to swim in it. But there is only room for me, hubby and occasionally Little Me, when she has a bad dream.


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