Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I Wanna Be a Squirrel When I Grow Up

When my little brother was in preschool, he had to draw a picture of what he wanted to be when he grew up. He drew a robot.

Wouldn't it be sweet to be a robot as your professional career? You could wear head-to-toe silver, with LED buttons that periodically light up and blink like one of those Christmas tree sweaters your grandma wears. You could walk around all day without ever bending at the elbows and knees, and talk in a robot voice like Steven Hawking (poor taste?). You could do the best "the robot" on Saturday nights in da club. Of course, one could say, with a self-satisfied grin, that I have already become a robot, since I'm working in corporate America. Har dee har har.

 Image via Rusty Zipper
Side note: You can purchase this sweater for $86. But if you do, you're doing it wrong.

This blogger's daughter announced that she'd like to make a career out of being a banana. A banana! How perfect would this career path be for me? I could be yellow, which is my favorite color, and I'd be long and lithe, which is my ideal body type. Nevermind the slight bend. It's nothing a good scoliosis brace couldn't fix. The best part about being a banana would be removing my peel at will and getting people to slip on it, which you may already know is something I would enjoy.

Image via

Seriously, why did I never think of being a robot or a banana? I was such an unimaginative child. When I was in preschool, I wanted to be an artist (which I confused with "finger painter"), and I quickly moved on to architect (which I confused with "interior decorator"), before deciding on author (which I confused with "an industry that actually has a future.")

So let me take this time to really brainstorm where I want my career to go from here. Now that I know how broad my options truly are, I won't limit myself to whatever they're advertising on Career Builder and the classified section.

First up, obviously I would enjoy a gig as a squirrel. Maybe a part-time gig though. I would enjoy the whole foraging for acorns and hibernation thing, but it might get kind of old being chased by dogs all the time. I suppose it's hard to enjoy the adorableness of cute dogs when they just want to eat you alive.

Image via Buzzfeed
I've heard squirrels have pretty good work/life balance too. And stock options.

It would be pretty cool to be a professional dad too. I could make stupid jokes and puns to anyone who would listen and carry my cell phone and other important gadgets right on my belt. No one would look down on me for not knowing how to change a diaper or boil noodles or know where my own sock drawer was. In fact, it would be part of the job description. For my performance review, my boss would check off "playing catch in the backyard" and "building Pine Wood Derby cars" with the kids. I may have to argue my case for the ROI on drinking beer with one hand in my waistband, but with the help of powerpoint, it could be done. I might even get a raise.

 Image via Facebook

You know what job would suck though? Garbage truck. Your whole job would be housing garbage, and you can bet your ass that no car wash will ever be able to get rid of that stank. Plus, you can't even drive fast when you're a garbage truck. Your entire day is just spent coasting from house to house, stopping at each driveway getting bags of old coffee grounds, dirty diapers, and banana peels flung at you. Have you ever seen a garbage truck speeding down the freeway like he owns the place? No. Have you ever seen a garbage truck taking a joy ride downtown? No. Being a garbage truck would suck.

I'd much rather be one of those armored trucks that transports fat stacks of cash like a boss.
 Image via Wikipedia

What non-standard career paths have you considered?


  1. I think I would be a bird so I can travel all over the place without having to pay airfare. We'll ignore the fact that birds generally don't migrate over oceans, cause I would figure out how.

  2. I also wanted to be an artist as a kid, which at some point morphed into art teacher and then a school nurse. I think I was just obsessed with the nice older ladies who worked at my elementary school. My pick today would definitely be my cat. I'm looking at him sleeping on the floor right now; that bastard has it made.

  3. I want to be a baby. I know the diaper thing is gross and its not like a fetish. I just want everyone to cater to me instead of me catering to them and I don't want to be expected to talk to anyone, just cry when I want something.

    1. hahah the first thing I thought of was "well, you can make that happen!" if you're, ya know, into that. I agree though, I miss the days when I wasn't expected to talk to people or be a decent human being in public.

      Who are you, Anonymous? I want to be your friend :)


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