Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Guest Post from Beana 'n' Baloney: Eating Crackers in Bed

I decided that the idea of between-the-sheets cracker consumption was too good to keep to myself, so I'm starting a series of guest posts on the subject. If you have anything to say on the matter, anything at all, please contact me and I'll publish your post! Yes, this means you, person who has never written a blog post in his/her life. Yes, this means you, person who found my blog by searching "Nickelback lead singer." Anyone who has something insightful to say about bedtime cracker crumbs is welcome to submit.

Fist up, we have Zena from Beana 'n' Baloney, who may need some encouragement in the comments section to continue blogging. So if you like her picks, or even if you disagree, let's show her some love!

Like my favorite blogger, I also seem to have a high tolerance for people eating crackers in my bed. Unlike Rebel Wilson in the MTV movie awards promos, however, Channing Tatum is not on the list of people who could munch Sundried Tomato Basil Wheat Thins between my sheets. As my husband likes to say, my cracker-chomping tolerance is, erm, a bit odd. So here goes nothing.

First things first: Timothy McGee from NCIS. Also known as McGeek or Probie, this character won me over from the get-go. His chubby cheeks and nerdy-but-lovable personality give him something Dinozzo and Ziva don’t have – snuggle appeal. He strikes me as the kind of guy who wouldn’t just bring crackers to bed, but he’d bring saltines and jelly and not get mad at you for eating them in bed, either. While he doesn’t do well with dogs, it’s a small shortcoming that I’d take any day over JT with a beard.

On a different note, Joe Firstman (former musical director for Last Call with Carson Daly on NBC, and current “American adult alternative rock musician,” as described by the ever-reliable Wikipedia) could also get away with eating crackers in my bed.

As much as I have to wonder what sort of treasures he tucks away in that mane of his, I am also rather fond of the face I imagine is hidden beneath the lumberjack exterior. My one and only brush with fame in life involves this guy, and while I kind of imagined him smelling like incense, man-sweat and half-eaten hard-boiled eggs, the hug-of-fame I received smelled more like laundry detergent, deodorant and Jolly Ranchers, which gave me confidence that the mane was not concealing any smelly socks or limburger, and instead, probably had a few crackers he could bring to bed with him.

Gerard Butler. Need I say more? P.S. I Love You. The Ugly Truth. He’s just a man and he’s on fireeeeee …hotter than a fantasy…(sung to the tune of the Alicia Keys song you now have stuck in your head). The Scottish accent, the abs of steel – there’s really no reason anyone should forbid him from eating crackers in their bed. Ever. Heck, I’d go so far as to let him eat a full rack of BBQ ribs in my bed. My obsession with Gerard is like my husband’s obsession with JT (apparently even straight men would sleep with JT in a heartbeat…even with the nasty beard). No further explanation needed.

Coming in at a whopping 5 feet and 7 inches tall, Cee Lo Green was awarded the key to eating crackers in my bed (heck, he could even eat BBQ ribs in my bed) with his "F*ck You" single a few years back. That voice. Even if he is telling me to get the eff out of his life (should I have been so lucky to make it into his life in the first place), his confidence and smooth-as-butter voice make me drool And also make me imagine him being much, much taller.

An almost-astronaut, out-and-proud author and former studmuffin N*SYNC bass singer, Lance Bass could come eat an entire package of Ritz in my bed with no strings attached. He wouldn’t even have to share. Let’s be serious here – no self-respecting 90s child didn’t drool over those frosted tips one time or another. I think the fact that they actually made a bobblehead of him say it all. And yes, I own it.

As a heterosexual, married woman, I can honestly say that there are very few women that I would willingly allow to climb under my covers. Much less under my covers with crumbly, strawlike Triscuits. That being said, Ellen Degeneres is one of those few women. An ex-smoker who played the voice of Finding Nemo’s Dora, Ellen Degeneres is just as awesome at dancing as I am, and I would even let her multitask in my bed – eat crackers while doing the Macarena. Who doesn’t love Ellen? Nobody. The correct answer is nobody.

Breckin Meyer gained a one-way ticket to crackerville in Road Trip. Apparently my 11-year-old self thought “oooOOOHHH” when I should have thought “you lying cheating scumbucket, you don’t deserve one look from Amy Smart.” At this point in time I was blissfully unaware of how completely terrible his hair was in Clueless, but the damage had been done. I said “one-way ticket,” didn’t I?

I promise, I’m almost done.

As “the bass player” in That Thing You Do (they could have at least given him a name, c’mon), Ethan Embry’s charm is hard to miss. He’s tolerant of evil girls (as evidenced in his role as Bobby Ray in Sweet Home Alabama), which is pretty much a requirement in order to speak to me, much less to make it to the bedroom to mow down on Goldfish. Even though he’s currently in the process of getting divorced for the second time, his history of competitive gymnastics and the fact that he named his first and only child Cogeian Sky somehow redeem him.

Oof. This really was intended to be brief. But I guess you just can’t cut short the vital details of cracker-eating permissions. Thanks, Karisa, for letting me in on this juicy topic!


  1. Ha, great choices! I think Timothy McGee on NCIS is adorable too and would probably allow him to eat crackers in my bed. CeeLo too. Excellent post...hope we see you around Karisa's blog again (and I'm going to go check out yours too! :D)

  2. It seems that in writing this post I forgot one very important person. The one person who LITERALLY can eat crackers in my bed. So, as an addendum to this post, I would like to note that my husband was kind enough to remind me that I forgot about him. While he seems slightly disturbed by the idea of Cee Lo Green and Ellen eating crackers in my (our) bed, he was mostly just worried about one thing. He told me he read my post, and followed it up with "I thought you'd let me eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos in bed..." So, let it be known that Baloney can eat whatever the heck he wants in bed, be it Flamin' Hot Cheetos, chocolate chip cookies or even a juicy lucy. Wife fail.

  3. okay, the new phrase is "I wouldn't kick him outta bed for eating flamin' hot cheetos!"

  4. I love that this is a series...I'm going to get to work on my list :) And, I love your choice of Ellen, unexpected yet totally appropriate, everyone loves her!


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