Day 23: I order a Diet Coke at a work happy hour. Pros: I was able to pay for my drink using the $2 I had in my pocket, and free refills! Cons: My happy hour was more of a content hour. Everyone else seemed pretty happy though. After happy hour, Chris and I hit up the liquor store in preparation for his birthday party. Surrounded by aisles and aisles of the sweet, sweet nectar of Satan, I purchase a bottle of sparkling grape juice.
Day 24: Chris's Quarter Life Crisis Party is tonight. I drink more sparkling grape juice than I ever thought possible. The party is a success, and I have a rockin' good time.
Sixth Official Insight: I am capable of getting drunk by osmosis, and the joviality of the other party-goers was enough to provide me with a rockin' (yet sober) good time. I'll take it!
Day 25: We go out to a plum wine-free sushi dinner with some college friends, followed by a movie night where more wine is not consumed by me. Further proof of my drunk-by-osmosis theory: When one of our friends shows me this photo, I laugh so hard I cry for the remainder of the evening. Even I started questioning if I was actually sober.
Image via Hollywood Reporter
But seriously, how could you not laugh at this photo and the accompanying story? There is nothing about Pitbull that doesn't make me laugh.
Day 27: The finale for The Bachelor was three friggin' hours long. Besides the fact that this show goes with wine like peas and carrots, I really could have used something to get me through the entire special. (I know, I could have just chosen to not watch it. Said no one ever.)
Day 30: There's a reggae band at The Domes tonight, which for some reason gets me in the mood for margaritas. I guess I'm just being a typical douchey American and confusing various foreign cultures with each other. Regardless, I wouldn't have minded a paper umbrella type drink.
Day 31: I finish a bottle of sparkling grape juice while everyone around me drinks beer. I wish they made fake wine taste more like real wine...
Day 32: Chris's boss throws a raucous St. Patrick's Day party every year, complete with homemade Irish cream, all the Guinness you can choke down, and like eight different kinds of expensive whiskey with disposable shot glasses. To be honest, I probably wouldn't/couldn't have drank very much at this party anyway since I don't even like beer, but it would have been nice to try some of the expensive whiskey--being a cheapskate, I rarely have access to anything that isn't Seagram's 7. Halfway through the night, the middle aged people commandeer the iPod and shuffle from 80s song to 80s song, never letting any of them finish (though, this is really a blessing since we're talking "Sweet Caroline" and "Don't Stop Believing"). While they dirty dance like the middle aged people they are, I just shake my head in Fremdschämen.
GIF via Funny or Die
They danced a little somethin' like this.
Seventh Official Insight: When you're drunk, other drunk people are your best friends, the loves of your life, your favorite people ever. When you're sober, they're friggin annoying as shit.
Day 33: I spend the real St. Patrick's day cleaning my house and going to bed early.