Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Ridiculous Things I Believed As a Child

That a slice of American cheese on a piece of Wonder Bread, melted in the microwave, was a meal.

That birds sometimes accidentally flew so high they ended up in heaven, and God politely sent them back down where they belong instead of yelling at them, because he was a merciful God.

That Koala Yummies were going to stop being made very soon, and we should buy them every time we saw them at the store just in case it was the last time.

Image via Amazon, where you can still buy them today!
Now that you mention it, I should refuse to eat any food that doesn't have "yummies" in the name, just to be safe.

That Twix bars were the best candy bar ever invented, because my brother told me so. I didn't realize that I actually disliked Twix bars until I was an adult.

That your job title when you grew up could just be "Artist."

That I couldn't possibly ever grow tall enough to reach the end of my twin bed. This one was actually true.

That you should hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery so you won't end up dead and buried there. I still do this because you've gotta have some drama in your life sometimes, ya know?

That Jack and Rose were just making out in the back of that car.

 Image via Fanpop

That the episode of Dinosaurs where the baby yells "Not the Mama!" was only aired once per year, and if you missed it, you had to wait another whole year to see it again. Another lie from my brother, who I'm pretty sure was a compulsive liar.

That all boys were older than all girls, because my dad was older than my mom and my brother was older than me. I didn't consider the fact that my mom was older than my brother.

That, despite thinking all boys were older than all girls, I was somehow also older than my brother because my birthday is a week before his every year.
That my brother would actually get coal in his stocking because he was bad. He was terrible actually. See "compulsive liar," above.

That you should brush your hair every day and comb it after every shower.

 Seriously, you don't brush this wig.

That getting your period meant you peed blood. I always wondered why people wrote into those medical advice columns asking what blood in your urine meant. I was like "Um, HELLO! You're going through the big change!"

That we were poor because we lived in a ranch.

That my blankie was a girl. I've since learned that it's actually a boy.

That all men drink beer and all women drink wine.

 We've all seen this picture before.

That you continued to grow throughout your life, so the tallest person ever was probably someone's great-grandpa. So maybe I believed I would outgrow my twin bed by the time I had grandkids.

That the word "frontier" was pronounced "frahn-TEER." I still believe this.

That my grandpa was 40 years old, because that was an old age.

That white chocolate was just regular chocolate dyed with white food coloring. Also that white food coloring exists.

That pork was the meat of a porcupine.

What ridiculous things did you believe as a child?


  1. Haha I love Dinosaurs! My BFF gave me a whole season of the show on DVD. Perfect for hungover Sunday mornings.

  2. This post is hilarious. I can't think of anything from childhood, but in college, my friends told me that Jagermeister was made from fermented deer blood and I believed them (because there was a deer on the bottle...and I was intoxicated).

  3. When I was little, I thought that when you turned off the TV, the show would be right where you left off because all the people were inside the TV. I also believed that in "Brown Eyed Girl, by Van Morrison, he said, "Hey Rodrigo" instead of "Hey, where did we go" for a long, long time. And now I feel like an ass.


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