And for the most part, I was right. Chances are, if you hear a song on the radio and you can picture the face of the person singing it, that person is hot. Take, for instance, Rihanna, Adam Levine, Taylor Swift, and Justin Bieber (well, I mean if I were 12 again I probably wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Let's just be honest with ourselves).
But for a lot of songs, you can't picture the singer's face--the occurrence seems to be inversely proportionate to autotune usage. All you know is, their voice sounds hot. Like, they could eat an entire box of Ritz, or, hell, even Triscuits in your bed without getting kicked out. So you go home and google them, just so you know what your future baby daddy's face will look like. And--holy hell--they look like Ron Jeremy's uncle! Or possibly Carrot Top's brother, or even Gary Busey's coke dealer. They are, to put it concisely, fugly as sin.
This seems to always happen to me. For instance, when I first heard Jason Mraz singing "I'm Yours," I was all "I'm yours as well, thankyouverymuch." Now I'm just like "Get a haircut. And get better looking."
Adam Duritz of The Counting Crows is an extreme example, though I have a hunch that he'd be more palatable without the self-imposed dreads.There were rumors back in the day that "Mr. Jones" was about his peen, and I was all "How you doin', Mr. Jones?" Now that I know how ugly Adam Duritz is, he can keep his Mr. Jones to himself.
Anthony Kiedis sings like someone I'd like to Californicate with, but no, he has a mustache. He kind of looks exactly like Jonathan Hyde from Titanic, am I right? That's obviously not a compliment.
Since I'm a hot young thang, I obviously wasn't around when Billy Joel was in his prime, so I don't know how his looks were received by the public. I do know that, in 2013, I find him to be pretty damn ugly. To keep it fair, I used an old picture of him in the above collage, but can we just take a moment to collectively marvel at how unkind the years have been to him?
Image via Wikipedia
Tom Petty is another oldie-but-a-goodie. He looks terrible now because he's old as sin, and he looked terrible when he was young because it was the 70s. So it's hard to say what the true extent of his ugliness is, given my inexperience with being alive in the 70s. I can say that I really wanted to be his "American Girl" before I had the pleasure of viewing his unfortunate face.
And finally, we have Nate Ruess from fun. I fell in love with "We Are Young" last spring and decided the next best thing to marrying him was playing his song at our wedding. Then I saw the music video and realized he can probably fit both of his fists in his mouth with room to spare. His lips are bigger than my whole body. Kissing him is probably like getting sucked into a black hole, I'm guessing. I watched the entire music video in hopes that someone would break a bottle over his head and he'd be forced to get reconstructive plastic surgery.
I'm currently working on building up my list of ugly singers with hot voices. So please, tell me who I missed!