Friday, February 15, 2013

What's up with...Ugly Singers with Hot Voices?

Once when I was a kid, a radio DJ was asking listeners if they'd rather have good looks or a good singing voice. I was a savvy, worldly child, so I decided I'd rather have the good looks because then I could make a successful singing career for myself anyway, just by sleeping with a few Lou Pearlmans.

And for the most part, I was right. Chances are, if you hear a song on the radio and you can picture the face of the person singing it, that person is hot. Take, for instance, Rihanna, Adam Levine, Taylor Swift, and Justin Bieber (well, I mean if I were 12 again I probably wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Let's just be honest with ourselves).

But for a lot of songs, you can't picture the singer's face--the occurrence seems to be inversely proportionate to autotune usage. All you know is, their voice sounds hot. Like, they could eat an entire box of Ritz, or, hell, even Triscuits in your bed without getting kicked out. So you go home and google them, just so you know what your future baby daddy's face will look like. And--holy hell--they look like Ron Jeremy's uncle! Or possibly Carrot Top's brother, or even Gary Busey's coke dealer. They are, to put it concisely, fugly as sin.

This seems to always happen to me. For instance, when I first heard Jason Mraz singing "I'm Yours," I was all "I'm yours as well, thankyouverymuch." Now I'm just like "Get a haircut. And get better looking."

Adam Duritz of The Counting Crows is an extreme example, though I have a hunch that he'd be more palatable without the self-imposed dreads.There were rumors back in the day that "Mr. Jones" was about his peen, and I was all "How you doin', Mr. Jones?" Now that I know how ugly Adam Duritz is, he can keep his Mr. Jones to himself.

Anthony Kiedis sings like someone I'd like to Californicate with, but no, he has a mustache. He kind of looks exactly like Jonathan Hyde from Titanic, am I right? That's obviously not a compliment.

Since I'm a hot young thang, I obviously wasn't around when Billy Joel was in his prime, so I don't know how his looks were received by the public. I do know that, in 2013, I find him to be pretty damn ugly. To keep it fair, I used an old picture of him in the above collage, but can we just take a moment to collectively marvel at how unkind the years have been to him?

Image via Wikipedia

Tom Petty is another oldie-but-a-goodie. He looks terrible now because he's old as sin, and he looked terrible when he was young because it was the 70s. So it's hard to say what the true extent of his ugliness is, given my inexperience with being alive in the 70s. I can say that I really wanted to be his "American Girl" before I had the pleasure of viewing his unfortunate face.

And finally, we have Nate Ruess from fun. I fell in love with "We Are Young" last spring and decided the next best thing to marrying him was playing his song at our wedding. Then I saw the music video and realized he can probably fit both of his fists in his mouth with room to spare. His lips are bigger than my whole body. Kissing him is probably like getting sucked into a black hole, I'm guessing. I watched the entire music video in hopes that someone would break a bottle over his head and he'd be forced to get reconstructive plastic surgery.

I'm currently working on building up my list of ugly singers with hot voices. So please, tell me who I missed!


  1. Haha, this is awesome. I do have to defend Jason Mraz a little bit though. Yes, with his current 'do, he looks kind of homeless, but my college roommate had a big thing for him about six years ago, when he wasn't shaggy and had less facial hair, and he was kind of attractive then. Still not my type, but I understood, anyway.

    Ke$ha sings about not hanging out with someone unless they "look like Mick Jagger," and every time I hear that I'm like whyyyy would you want to do that, he's not attractive at ALL!

    1. yes! Mick Jagger Just no.

    2. haha I didn't include Mick Jagger because I don't even think his voice is hot. Seriously, have you heard "T.H.E." with

  2. Ha, love it!! So true. Add William Fitzsimmons to the list - he has in incredible voice!

  3. Hi..
    I was just wondering if writing this kind of thing makes you feel like a good person? Why do you have to be so shallow? Because other people do it, trying to be funny, and you think you're being funny too?
    Would you want your children to act like this, or for someone else to say these kind of things about them or you?
    What if your child isn't born beautiful, but loves music and loves to sing?
    Are you going to say to your child ~you better grow some balls and learn to deal with people talking about you and treating you like dirt, because you're an ugly little shit that no one would want to sleep with! Because certainly being hot and getting sex is the meaning of life!

    Maybe you just really think it's all a joke and no big deal... But other people read this kind of thing and are influenced to think this is normal and perfectly fine to do too.
    How about you try to grow up and treat people with the same respect I'm sure that you would like to be treated with? Use your time to do things that are helpful to people, that actually make a difference to maybe make the world even a little better place, not the opposite :(

    Maybe you'll just laugh and continue to write negative things like this...I don't know what kind of person you might be aside from the impression I get from what you've written here... But maybe you'll take time to think about the kind of person you choose to be in the future, before writing more things like this. I think you have to ability to do much greater things. Goodluck~

  4. I can't believe you didn't respond to this jerk who had the balls to say all this shit to you, Anonymously, of course. Keep doing what you're doing, you're funny as hell. Some people just can't take a joke. I think this Anonymous Asshole is someone you knew in high school that's jealous because you have a bad ass life.


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