Thursday, January 10, 2013

Wiki Pages That Will Haunt My Dreams: Movies

Every time a new horror movie comes out, I say "well, I won't be seeing that" haughtily because scary movies are stupid. Actually, it's because I'm a-scared. I roll my eyes through the previews ("Look at that phenomenal acting!" and "they couldn't have done a better job with the CGI? Really?") and occasionally I'll even go on one of my anti-violence tirades: "In my day, we didn't need to use violence and gore to sell films! The world is so desensitized as it is!" Never mind that "my day" is famous for movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream, and I don't work in the film industry.

But in the back of my mind, the seed of curiosity is planted, and the urge to find out the movie's plot grows stronger. In the past I would satisfy this urge by ultimately watching the movies (eyes covered by my hands, of course). This worked out well for Rosemary's Baby, Jaws, and The Exorcist, which turned out not to be very scary. It didn't work out so well for The Ring or Sin City, both of which continue to haunt my dreams. (A wolf eats Elijah Wood alive in Sin City. I can't unsee that!)

Being the ingenious person that I am, I discovered that I can satisfy my curiosity without being scared shitless--by reading the Wikipedia plot synopses! Unfortunately, I have such a weak stomach for disturbing movies that even Wikipedia is starting to scare me. It all started with The Human Centipede...

The Human Centipede
Image via Wikipedia

I think The Human Centipede has officially reached infamous status, meaning more people have read the Wiki page than actually watched it. And even if you've never read the plot synopsis, you can probably tell the premise of the movie merely based on its title and movie poster. According to Wikipedia, The Human Centipede includes all of my least favorite things: surgery, torn knee ligaments, blood poisoning, and going ass to mouth. Also, spoiler alert, one of the characters remains alive at the end while still attached to two dead people, one at her mouth and one at her anus. I've concluded that I most definitely will never watch this movie or ever stop having nightmares about it. 

Personal pic
I will also never stop seeing things in every day life that remind me of it.

When I heard this was nominated for Best Picture, I was outraged (again, in my day, Best Picture was reserved for films with actual merit, like Titanic). Then I thought I should probably read the plot synopsis on Wiki before making any harsh judgments. After reading it, I can say with certainty that this film would ruin my life, should I ever see it. Let me just say that someone gets ripped apart by mother effing dogs in it. Even though I will never view this scene, I can picture it in my head, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Dogs are supposed to be cute and cuddly.

Personal pic
Like my old dog, rest her soul.

Apparently this movie is considered artsy and well-made by film buffs. To me, it's just crap (based on its Wiki page). Cabin Fever also contains several of my least favorite things in life, including but definitely not limited to: shooting squirrels, people who bite other people, a guy named Justin who prefers to be called Grimm, vomiting blood, and dogs eating people. Again, dogs are not just plot devices! Dogs are people too. The amount of blood and vomit and bloody wounds mentioned on the Wikipedia page makes his movie a definite DON'T for me.

Image via Wikipedia
Surprisingly, if one scrolls down past the plot synopsis, they'll discover that Rider Strong (aka Shawn Hunter) plays one of the characters. Unfortunately, he now looks like this. 

One of the most intriguing horror movies I read about on Wikipedia was Paranormal Activity. Maybe it's because ghost stories are more interesting than slasher flicks, or maybe it's because the trailers revealed literally nothing about the plot, but I was definitely thirsty for more info. The plot synopsis confirmed my suspicions that the movie would be terrifying without actually showing anything terrifying. It sounds like there are a lot of startling noises, doors closing on their own, grainy night vision, et. al, which is all scary for no reason. It also sounds like the husband in the movie is a real dick, and if he weren't such a dick, there wouldn't be much of a plot. From what I can discern, he spends most of the movie alternating between taunting their live-in demon and refusing his wife's pleas to call the "demonologist." Has the man never heard the phrase "happy wife, happy life?" Apparently not because, spoiler alert, she kills him at the end.

Image via Wikipedia
There's really nothing scary about this movie poster, yet I can't wait to finish this blog post so I can stop looking at it.

What's the scariest movie you've never seen?


  1. haa I do this too. Currently, the previews for Mama are tormenting my life. Kids + Creepy demon lady + whispering Mama voice = No bueno.

  2. I hate movies (trailers) where there's ghosts or something that's there-but-not-there. Heck, I don't even like seeing that trailer for Haunted House or whatever it's called with the Wayans brothers, making fun of Paranormal Activity.


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