Friday, January 4, 2013

What We Talk About When We Talk to Each Other

My husband and I have some pretty good conversations, which is great because we're stuck with each other forever. Usually we talk about fine wine, the theater, and the best silver polishing agents, but occasionally we lighten things up a bit. Here are some of the best conversations we had over the holidays:
This is what we look like when we talk to each other.

Scene: In the car, on a long road trip.
Me: So...are you reading any good books lately?
Chris: Yeah, that one about the Sino-Japanese War.
Me: Ughhhhh why do you always insist on reading such crap?
Chris: won the Nobel Prize for literature.
Me: Oh. You win.

Scene: At the bank, depositing money with a teller. (I now have access to all of Chris's money! Yes!)
Chris starts filling out a deposit slip.
Me: There's actually no "u" in "forty."
Chris: Oh, whoops. [scribbles it out]
Bank Teller: [In thick, almost comical Indian accent] You must be careful, women always see everything. They are always watching. Even when they not there, they watching.
Chris: [chuckles, pause] Oh, it says I need the account number.
Me: [pointing at receipt] It's right here.
Bank Teller: See? They always watching. Everything you do!
Exeunt, cut to bank parking lot
Me: Be careful, it's icy.
Chris: You really are always watching.
"You're here to rob us? Hold on, let me get my flag!"

Scene: In our crackhouse of an apartment. Chris is holding a six foot American flag given to us by our mortgage lender as a gift for closing on our house.
Chris: [Swinging flagpole around, ninja style] Maybe we should keep the flag rolled up like this so we could use it as a weapon, to protect us from intruders.
Me: I thought we were gonna mount it on our new house.
Chris: Yeah, but while we still live in this apartment at least, we should keep it handy. [Note: we live next to literal crackheads/juggalos]
Me: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Chris: Wouldn't that be the most American thing ever, if we beat up an intruder with an effing American Flag??
Me: [laughing] That really would be patriotic of us. I actually hope this happens now. Maybe we should leave the chain lock off tonight.
Chris: You do realize that, in order for this to happen, we have to get robbed, right?
Lumberjack 2008

Lumberjack 2011

Scene: In my friend's living room.
Chris: You guys have a banjo??
Friend: Yeah, my roommate bought it a year ago with plans to teach himself to play via YouTube.
Chris: That's awesome.
Me: Chris actually asked for one for Christmas. I'm convinced he's secretly a hipster, despite being more down on hipsters than the New York Times.
Chris: I am not a hipster. Stop it.
Friend: What makes you think he's a hipster?
Me: For one, he started liking hipster music!
Chris: It's not hipster music! I'm just really into folky-bluegrass [trails off into long list of hipster words]
Me: He likes Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. He also wears plaid flannel every damn day and has gone as a lumberjack for the past three Halloweens.
Chris: That's just how I dress! I liked plaid flannel shirts before hipsters thought they were cool!
Me: I rest my case.

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! E and I have such ridiculous over-my-head conversations sometimes. Maybe I should do a post about ours.


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