Thursday, January 31, 2013

4 of My Least Embarrassing Moments

I get embarrassed really easily, as any good Millennial does. It's why we eschew telephone calls in favor of texting. It's why a show called Awkward exists. It's why I wrote The Awkward Person's Survival Guide (and since it clearly was an inadequate guide, I wrote a second guide as well). Given what a socially awkward outcast I am (while still being devastatingly beautiful, obvi), I have to admit there are certain embarrassing situations that I just don't feel embarrassed about. Sometimes people will recount horror stories of humiliating gaffes they've committed, and I just nod confusedly because I don't understand what they're so embarrassed about.

 Image via Animal-Space



Look, if your story doesn't involve a tube top, a thong, your crush, and/or your period, it's probably not that embarrassing.

For instance, leaving your fly unzipped. Why is this embarrassing? Can somebody please tell me why I should go cry in the corner if I ever discover that my fly is down in public? Think about it: if your purse is accidentally unzipped in public, would you cry? Maybe, but only because you just got pick-pocketed. My coat zipper comes undone all the time because it's cheap and because it can't handle the girth that is my scarf-covered neck. Do I cry? No. I zip it back up. Then five feet later, I zip it back up yet again. But God forbid I forget to XYZ after a trip to the little girls' room. That is, as Regina George would say, social suicide. Is it about crotch proximity? I honestly don't know.

Image via Perez Hilton, obviously.

Similarly, I don't understand what's so embarrassing about leaving the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Does it insinuate that I'm a disgusting person because I walked into a public bathroom? Hey, at least I wore shoes. I would be more embarrassed if I were the jackass who threw toilet paper on the floor like he owned the place (seriously, do that in the privacy of your own home). For some reason, if you discover toilet paper stuck to your shoe in public, you're supposed to surreptitiously do a little dance-like maneuver to remove it before anyone sees!
Image via the oddly specific Facebook group titled "pointing and laughing at someone with toilet paper stuck on their foot."

I guess these are embarrassing because they both show that you're not aware of your current appearance. It's why I would die a slow, painful death if someone ever informed me that I have barbecue sauce on my face or a poppy seed in my teeth. (Side question: How come the incidence of poppy-seed-in-teeth is so much higher than actual poppy seed consumption?? Where are people getting these poppy seeds?) It's why I feel the need to go tell it on the mountain whenever I have a zit or a bad hair day. It's not embarrassing if everyone knows that I know that they know that I have a zit.

But seriously, should I be embarrassed when my credit card gets declined? I tried to buy a happy meal from the McDonald's drive-thru last weekend (I'm a little ashamed of that, actually), and the drive-thru cashier quietly informed me that my card "has been declined, ma'am." (Side question: Can you call someone "ma'am" if they're eating McNuggets from a happy meal box?) I didn't feel that embarrassed about the card being declined--I suppose because I'm not actually over my credit limit. How could I be? My credit limit is like one-third the size of my savings account. The bank knows better than to give me more. Maybe I would be embarrassed if I'd maxed out a card on a happy meal. Then again, I'm not the one working at McDonald's.

Only McDonald's sells happiness. With ketchup.

And finally, what's so embarrassing about forgetting someone's name? I pretty much never know anyone's name, and I assume no one knows mine either. I can't even recall my husband's name right now. Having your name remembered is a privilege, not a right! 

Usually I can't even remember people's faces, let alone their names. That's worse than embarrassing; I might actually have a brain tumor or something. And you don't see me flustered over it! This "embarrassing moment" is so easy to avoid: just don't make eye contact with people whose names you can't remember, and you'll be fine.

So really, the world is not as embarrassing of a place as people think it is. Unless you have your period while wearing a thong. In front of your crush.

What "embarrassing moment" is not embarrassing to you?

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