Monday, December 30, 2013

My Most Awkward Moments of 2013

I love all the end-of-the-year lists going around right now. My favorite things in life are nostalgia, listicles, and wine, so two out of three is pretty damn guaranteed to get my click. Before I get to Part 2 of the Douchiest Douchbags of 2013, here are my own personal awkward moments from the year.



1: Slipping on ice for about ten minutes before hurtling into my own parked car. This just happened a few minutes ago, actually. If you recall, this has happened to me in the past, but no matter how much life experience one accumulates with icy roads, there's really no way to avoid slipping on it. It's like death and taxes and banana peels.

2: That time a waiter at a restaurant asked if I was done with my food, and I looked down at the plate, which had been basically licked clean, and said, "Uh, yeah, I think I'm done."

 Not this plate. But I'd lick this plate right now if given the opportunity.

3: When my hairdresser found paint in my hair and asked if I'd been painting recently. "Not for several weeks," I say, even though the logical action would have been to lie and say I'd been painting that very day because I'm an artiste who doesn't have the time to worry about petty things like hair.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

10 Douchiest Douchebags of 2013: Part 1


Back in the early days of my blog, I wrote a post recapping the douchebaggery of 2009. It seems like an ancient relic now (Spencer Pratt made the list...whatever happened to that douche?) so I decided to update it for 2013. It's not like there wasn't enough douchebaggery this year to warrant a post, amirite? To keep up with the waning collective attention span, I'll be splitting the post into two parts so that you don't have to invest the time to sit down and read through all ten of the douchebags in one sitting. You're welcome.


Without further ado, in no particular order, I give you...

10 Douchiest Douches of 2013: Part 1

Chip Wilson
The founder of Lululemon, a store that sells overpriced yoga pants to stay-at-home mommies who have more money than they know what to do with, is a douchebag. If making a crappy product and tricking people into overpaying for it isn't douchey; it's marketing finesse. But when people complain that their Lululemon pants are see-through and retail workers instruct them to "bend over and prove it," (not a direct quote) your company is a douchebag. And when customers say, "Hey, wait a minute. I spent $100 on a pair of workout pants so I could go to Whole Foods in comfort and style, but now they're falling apart. What gives?" you should probably just admit defeat. Not Chip Wilson. He defaults to our favorite enemy, the thigh gap: "Frankly, some women's bodies just don't actually work [for Lululemon yoga pants]," Wilson said. "It's about the rubbing through the thighs and how much pressure is there." Straight from the mouths of douches: If you want to do yoga, you sure as hell better get in shape first.

 Image via CBS News
"Eyyy!"

Saturday, December 14, 2013

A Classic Christmas Gift Fool

How did Christmas gift-giving originally start? Was it the gold, frankincense and myrrh given to baby Jesus by the three wise men? Or was that just a descriptive detail made up by the author of the bible because his creative writing workshop told him he needed to include more imagery in his work?

Buying gifts for people always gives me anxiety, especially at Christmastime when you have to buy something for everyone you know. The real problem is figuring out what to get everyone on my list. I think the whole point of buying gifts is to show someone that you were thinking of them. Like "I saw this commemorative Two and a Half Men plate at Target and thought of you, so here you go!" But Christmas kind of ruins that sentiment because you have a deadline and you're only buying people gifts because you know you'll feel like a classic fool if they get you something and you don't give anything in return.

 I'm a classic fool.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Throwback Thursday: A Thanksgiving to Remember

One year when I was in high school, I had a crush on this guy who was basically straight out of a Taylor Swift song--the awkward nerd pines for the suave footballer who seems too smart to date some slutty cheerleader...and yet he does anyway. I couldn't have been more stereotypical if I'd tried.

 And here's an ill-advised selfie from that era.

On Thanksgiving that year, I drank my weight in apple juice waiting for the turkey to be carved, and by the time the feasting began, I was clutching my stomach in agony and forcing forkfuls of mashed potatoes down my gullet as if I'd never get another chance to eat a potato again. I didn't eat nearly the amount of food I came to expect from myself because of all the apple juice, and thus considered the holiday a failure.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" hot blonde guy asked me back at school. As if he cared about my sad life.

"It was fine. Ugh but I drank too much."

He looked surprised. Almost respectful, like maybe I was actually Laney Boggs post-makeover and perhaps I was dateable after all. "Really? Nice!"

"Uhh...too much apple juice, I mean," I stammered. "I wasn't able to binge eat as usual heh heh heh..."

"Oh. Weird."

This Thanksgiving, don't drink too much apple juice. You're not impressing anyone.

From all of us here at Karisa Tells All, which is just me, Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

A Horror Movie for Every Holiday

I'm not so big on horror movies. I'm just not that into watching people get hunted down and killed in a number of cruel and unusual ways. Weird, I know. America's pastimes are basically just eating, baseball, and horror films, and, well, at least I like food.

I also really like holidays--any holiday. Of course I love the usual suspects--Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Halloween--and I even observe some of the lesser-known holidays like National I Want Butterscotch Day and Arbor Day (when else can you dress like a tree, amirite?). The movie industry agrees with me. Or rather, the horror movie industry agrees with me. I can tell, because there's a horror movie (or ten) for almost every holiday imaginable. The jury is still out on National I Want Butterscotch Day, but all it takes is someone reading this blog and deciding to make a B movie about killer butterscotch and we can cross that one off the list too.

 Image via Listverse
Interesting that a killer Santa Claus is played by a Jewish wrestler. Well played.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Working in The Big City

I just rewatched 13 Going on 30 for the first time in a while. That used to be one of my favorite movies when I was in high school, and, watching it again as "an adult" (wait, am I still young enough to put that in quotes?) was weird. I never realized until now how much I had based my perception of my future life on that movie. In other words, yes, I want to be thirty, flirty and thriving.

Image via Head over Feels

What could be a better life than one where you could go to work wearing a negligee and pitch fluff headlines at a board meeting with your best frenemy? All I've ever wanted was a high-powered career in The Big City, toting a briefcase and some sort of snooty coffee every morning. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

How Kanye Could Have Proposed

Kanye West's proposal to Kim Kardashian made me feel many feels--jealousy, trepidation, apathy, confusion...mostly confusion. He rented out AT&T Park to propose to her on the Jumbotron--but there wasn't even an event going on. There were no other guests at the stadium (besides the ever-present Kardashian family, who popped out at the end). Why the Jumbotron if it's just the two of you? Why did Kanye hire an orchestra to play Lana Del Ray, as if she is somehow the apex of romantic music? And why he did he spell out "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!" instead of, you know, spelling it correctly?

 Image via USAToday

So yeah, I'd say I'm a little confused. Perplexed even. It got me thinking about all the other ways Chris could have proposed to me that would have been even better, though certainly more perplexing, than the way he chose.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Every Driver Sucks Except Me

Today I want to talk about road rage. Specifically the fact that I am the most hateful person you've ever met when I have a steering wheel in my vitriolic little paws. After Chris and I bought our house last winter, the town was like "Surprise! We're going to do construction on every inch of road between your home and office at the same time, starting now and finishing about the time you guys move out."


My commute to work took 45 minutes this morning. I live two miles away. I've decided that a long commute over two miles is exponentially worse than a long commute over, say, 20 miles. When I can literally see my office out my windshield but know it'll be the better part of an hour before I can dust off the ol' keyboard and get some work done, I feel like punching someone in the throat.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Why Do I Hate Zooey Deschanel?

I previously asked the internet why everyone hates Nickelback, a band that is fun to hate, who have become quite the cliche punchline, who solicits hatred so universally that it's almost become a team-building exercise to talk about why they suck.

But now I want to talk about a celebrity I hate that the rest of the world seems to love. And by "love" I mean they constantly trip over themselves trying to get one last compliment in about her freaking bangs. Yes, I'm talking about Zooey Deschanel.

 Image via IMDB

Much has been said about the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope and how stupid and annoying these characters are. So why aren't more people annoyed by Zooey Deschanel, who not only plays a MPDG in everything she's ever acted in (conjecture, as I haven't seen her whole body of work) but also plays one in real life? She exists so that guys can feel good about themselves: "See, I like quirky, funny girls! I'm not a one-dimensional guy who's just looking for a beautiful, thin woman who will keep her mouth shut." Except for the fact that Zooey's goddamn bangs and beautiful blue eyes and annoyingly perfect vintage dresses make her a regulation hottie, despite her so-called "awkwardness."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Bleak Aftermath of the Government Shutdown

Today's guest post was written by my esteemed colleague, Paige Watts.

So, the topic on everyone’s mind today—the government shutdown last night. I’ve been keeping tabs all day on the updates, so rest assured you’re getting 100% fact-checked information here.

Alright, everyone unbunch your panties. I’m here to inform you that you are not as affected by this as you think you are. Unless you are my dad, who is employed by the United States Post Office. Which means he is actually not affected at all because the post office gets their money from the good people of America who buy stamps. Or something like that. (I never brought him in for that day in kindergarten where your parent explains to the class what their job is. As a result I don’t really know.)

 America’s collective expression when the shutdown occurred.

So here are the most important things you need to know about the government shutdown:

1. All federal prisons will remain open.
Did they think they could just be like, “RELEASE THE PRISONERS!” and we’d all be okay with that? It’d be like the movie, The Purge, where everyone is allowed to commit crime on that one day a year, and there’d be bombs and car fires and people screaming all willy-nilly, and cows (I live in Wisconsin, people) running down the street. (Side note: I didn’t actually watch this movie. Just the trailer, like 20 times.)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Hedgehog GIF

I made my first gif from a YouTube video. Expect more in the future.




Happy Saturday, everyone!


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Is That You Laurence Fishburne?

Pop Quiz time! Who was in The Matrix--Laurence Fishburne, or Samuel L. Jackson? Which one played Cowboy Curtis on Pee-wee's Playhouse? Which actor starred in Django Unchained and Pulp Fiction?

Answers to all of the above: It doesn't matter.

Seriously, is there any difference between the two actors? (This is an extra credit/trick question. The answer is no. And it doesn't matter.)

Exhibit A: Here's Samuel L. Jackson

Image via IMDB

Exhibit B: Here's Laurence Fishburne
Image via IMDB
Oh wait, this is also Samuel L. Jackson

Monday, September 23, 2013

Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Out is Awkward

So we've established that I can't make appointments and attend them without awkwardness ensuing. I can barely go to the grocery store without being sexually harassed (just today, a creepy man at the store asked if I wanted a kiss, and I said no thank you, and then he showed me a basket of Hershey Kisses, so I said never mind, yes I'd like one, and he said "of course you changed your mind.")

On Friday, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. The entire ordeal started when I was about 17 years old and my orthodontist told me I should get them out while I was still on my parents' insurance. Of course I relayed the message to them, like an idiot, and they assured me it could wait. I'm not much for pain or blood or surgery, so I agreed with them. Eight years later I have four erupted wisdom teeth that cause me to bite the inside of my cheek at every meal, a dentist scare tactic-ing me into getting them out ASAP, and my own insurance plan (and either my insurance sucks or wisdom teeth removal is the most expensive thing in the world). $700 and four teeth later, and I'm sitting here eating a milkshake with a spoon, telling you all about my travails.


Monday, September 16, 2013

Slipping on a Banana Peel

Has my obsession with slipping on banana peels gone too far? I mentioned it here and here and in my About Me page, and I realized I mentioned my goal of seeing someone slip on a banana peel in an "about me" once way back in high school too. Everyone who has ever had the pleasure of calling me a co-worker knows about my sick fancy. Friends are always alerting me to abandoned banana peels they saw on various roads, as if expecting me to go stake it out in case anyone should trip on it.

And then this happened.
That made my lyfe too. Why does it bring such joy to me when I picture people slipping and falling, especially on banana peels? Here are my theories:

Monday, September 9, 2013

Ron Weasley on Breaking Bad and Other TV Crossovers

Did you know Rupert Grint, which is to say Ron Weasley, is a savvy investor these days? It's a good thing too, because he hasn't really done much with his acting career since the days of Harry Potter (incidentally, many of us also haven't done much with our lives since the Potterpocalypse). If you saw Rupert Grint in a movie, would you be able to suspend your disbelief that he was anyone but Ron Weasley, the ginger comic relief with the tattered, hand-me-down robes? No, because he's typecast. It's like that time Harry Potter had sex with a horse. No one enjoyed that. Well, it's possible the horse enjoyed that. But he couldn't be reached for comment because he's a horse, and thus does not speak English. Or any language.

 Image via IMDB

Anyway...back to Ron. Let's say he gets a guest starring role on Breaking Bad. Now, I'm still working my way through season four, watching from behind my hands mostly, so for all I know, he actually is in season five. This is how I imagine it to be:

Walt: It's time to cook. We have a job to do, you little shit.
Jesse: Bitch! Yo!
Ron Weasley [in a British accent]: Crikey, Jesse! You sound like you need a bit of a lie-down.
Walt [struggling to operate the forklift]: He can't have a BIT OF A LIE-DOWN. This is a two man job!
Ron Weasley: Wingardium Leviosa! I'm an experienced sidekick. Don't worry, ol' chap.

Gif via FunnyorDie

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Throwback Thursday: My Future Career

When I was a kid I wanted to be a famous actress, or maybe a singer or a fashion model. I fancied myself the 6th Spice Girl, or the 4th Charmed sister (5th, if you count Paige). I thought maybe I could carve out a place for myself in the modeling world in the niche short-and-fat market.


But even then I was a realist, so instead I decided I needed to be an architect. Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch was an architect, and their house was really cool, and I wanted to design cool houses too. My role model growing up was that lady from Beethoven who, when asked if she had any kids, responded with "We have a career."

I wanted my career to be as important as her lapel was large.

I later learned that I had confused architecture with interior design, or better yet, professional Pinterest browsing. But by then I had moved on to writing.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I'm a Creepy Neighbor

There’s a story in my book about Barbie dolls, so I decided to get some dolls and pose awkwardly with them for a possible cover photo. I figured Barbies would be easy to come by in the world, so it wouldn’t be a problem to get my hands on a few for cheap.

But apparently Barbies aren’t that easy to come by. The thrift stores I checked out all had no Barbies, none of my friends had kept their old dolls, and I wasn’t about to pay full price at Toys R Us for a photo-shoot that may not even make it into the book. As a last ditch effort, I headed to the dollar store. I had seen knockoff Barbie dolls there in the past, and although they were definitely the very poor man’s version, they should be able to get the job done.



Friday, August 30, 2013

Me: Exposed

I've been nominated for an award/chain letter type thing by Michelle at Mishfish13 which I'm honored to accept. I haven't done one of these since 2010 so might as well do one now! Thanks, Michelle!


1. What’s your favorite place in the world?
Probably standing over my sink, because it means I'm probably binge eating a cupcake. Oh crap, I could also be doing dishes...in that case I will say my favorite place in the world is in bed, asleep. The only thing I like better than eating is sleeping. My third favorite place would be sitting in a chair, because I also enjoy sitting.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

VMAs Recap from Someone Without Cable

I know I'm a few days late with this, but I also don't have cable, so you can see that I have quite a bit of adversity to overcome in life. Since I don't have cable, I was forced to watch the highlights online, which proved to be even more difficult than paying for cable would have been. MTV.com has all the videos on their website, but of course they won't work. I tried on two different computers, my phone and my Kindle before realizing that MTV can eat my ass with a spoon and I have a lot of gadgets.

That said, here's my VMA recap, brought to you solely by the kind internet denizens who filmed their television screens and uploaded the videos to Youtube for me.

Miley Cyrus
I have to get her out of the way first because the internet seems to think she's the most important thing to hate since Michael Jackson became a molester. Let me just say--and imma let you finish--that y'all are just jealous of her insane dance moves.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

FOMO and YOLO

There are two acronyms being hashtagged by the young people these days that are giving me anxiety: FOMO and YOLO. For the non-acronymically inclined, they stand for "fear of missing out" and "you only live once," respectively. I think I have FOMO. And I think it's because of YOLO.

For instance, when the Wisconsin State Fair rolled into town this year I started dreading our yearly trip. "How about we don't go this year?" Chris suggested. "I hate it. You hate it. Why should we go?"

 Image via OnMilwaukee
I mean really. Does this look like a place you'd like to go?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

My Speshul Day

'Twas the night before my birthday (heretofore known as "MY SPESHUL DAY"), and I awoke to a bump in the night. It was Chris creeping out of the room.

"What are you doing?" I asked him groggily.

"I just have to...check on something," he said. "Go back to sleep."

"Did you hear a noise?"

"No, it's fine. Go back to sleep."

"What if it's a robber?"

"Just go back to sleep." He approached the bed and tucked me in tighter. "Close your eyes..." he said creepily.

Suddenly my eyes sprang open. "You're not the real Chris!" It was an imposter, or possibly an alien abduction trying to get me to go to sleep so they could wreak further shenanigans on my house. (Can you wreak shenanigans? I feel like Chris wreaks shenanigans daily.)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

WTF are Cheese Curds?

Add this to foods I don't understand: cheese curds. Living in Wisconsin, I find myself in the company of cheese curds more often than ever before. And quite frankly, more often than I feel comfortable with. At first I looked at the little wet lumps of curdled milk with disdain and distrust. How anyone could eat wet cheese out of a bag was beyond me, let alone wet curds, let alone squeaky wet curds.

 Image via Wikipedia
You don't even have to know what this is a picture of to know you want it in your mouth. But then you find out it's cheese curds.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Screw Closet Organization

You know those ads for closet organization systems that show a woman's closet with various nooks and crannies, hanger rods at various levels, optimized for dress-length, pants-length, and shirt-length hanging clothes, special compartments for hat and purse storage, and rows of sensible shoes all lined up in order of heel height? I want one of those closets. Each tension rod has like 5 things hanging from it, all in an inoffensive color scheme, like white and khaki. There are sweaters folded just so in a bin, because real adults don't hang sweaters from hangers. Real adults also don't buy sweaters from Old Navy. These closets even have designated belt and scarf storage, with special belt and scarf hangers designed solely for belts and scarves, respectively.

 Image via Target
Seriously, you have nothing that could go on that top shelf?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Oh, The Things You Google

Ever since I figured out how to use Google Analytics, I've enjoyed looking at the keywords people search for that leads them to my blog. At my old job, we learned all about SEO and using keywords to purposely attract organic search traffic, but I've never really bothered doing that for my blog. I guess I assumed nobody's searching for poop scales (they are) or AJ McLean's goatee (they seriously are). What I've learned from looking through my keywords is that my blog is actually fairly well-optimized for creepy sons-of-bitches. Here are some of my favorites:

Taylor lautner llama: I'm really proud that my blog ranks so highly for this phrase, because it's important for those who question the species of Taylor Lautner to find out the truth. And the truth is that he is a llama.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Farts in Four Vignettes

Canned Farts:
Canning is so hot right now. You can turn anything into a canned good right from your very kitchen, using mason jars and special sealing lids. Got a surplus of strawberries? Make strawberry jam! Need a use for your miniature cucumbers? Can some pickles! Have to fart? Put it in a can!

 Image via iVillage

That's right, you can even can farts. And you don't even need to go through the complicated sterilization process of boiling the jars and lids in water first, because farts are already disgusting! So a little botulism would just be added flavor at this point. Want to learn how to make your own rustic farts-in-a-can?

Monday, July 29, 2013

The 5 People You Meet in Hell

I've never read Mitch Albom's book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, but I'm assuming it's merely a list of five people who were exceptionally pious in life. I'm guessing it's God/Jesus, Saint Peter (heaven's bouncer), Mother Teresa, Mary (Jesus' mom), and whoever invented whipped cream in a can.

 Image via Taste of Home
I like that this photo of whipped cream looks like a lonely dollop of poo, but white.

Now, obviously, heaven rocks. I've heard you can eat whatever you want without gaining any weight, sleep on clouds, and never die because you're already dead. However, that's kind of boring. I would rather talk about all the assholes who you'll meet in hell. I love complaining about douches. Hell, I have a "douche" tag on my blog so you can find all the posts I've written about various and sundry douches.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My Disappointments Regarding the #RoyalBaby

I watched the live video feed with bated breath yesterday to catch Kate and Will's hospital exit with the #RoyalBaby. The excitement of live television devoid of any action reminded me of the last time I watched a screen full of British people doing nothing for hours, which was the royal wedding. At least this time they had the foresight to wait until a decent hour so the Americans could watch too.

When I watched the royal wedding, I was frankly disappointed by the end. I had missed a good three hours of sleep for the privelege of watching these schmucks get married, and when I realized we didn't actually get to see the reception, I was disappointed. I wanted to hear Prince Harry's borderline offensive best man speech. I wanted to see Pippa cut a rug and possibly rip her dress on the dance floor. I wanted to see firsthand how one goes about cutting a cake that is the size of a small car, because I certainly did not understand the logistics of that cake.

Image via People

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

What's up with...Zoos?

Despite the fact that I have a zoo pass for the third year in a row, I really just don't like zoos. Whenever I say that to someone, you'd think I had just said I don't eat chocolate or I never bathe or I listen to Limp Bizkit. Those are the kind of reactions I always get. It seems that America has embraced the zoo, and I'm alone in my dislike.

But who wants to spend their day sweating and walking around a park full of caged animals, dodging stray peacocks, children, and other small animals? Don't get me wrong, I love caged animals. Especially when they are the kind that would rip me to bloody shreds if they weren't caged. Let's keep that under lock and key. I'm all for it. But would it kill the animals to look a little less depressed in their sad, faux habitats? Especially the ones kept inside with the glass dividers, with murals painted on the walls to look like they're in the rainforest instead of a cement jail cell. Couldn't they show a little appreciation for the artistic detailing in those murals? Animals are so ungrateful.

 Image via World Wildlife
"Don't look at me."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Review of a Review

My book got its first review on Amazon! (By the way, this blog isn't going to become a never-ending infomercial for a 44-page eBook, I promise.) I'm going to give this review 5 stars, not because she gave me 5 stars, but because it was the first one and I'm giddy.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Phone is an A******

Side note: If you pre-ordered my book, it's available to read today! And if you didn't pre-order it, you can still buy it today and read it as soon as your heart desires. It's not like it's going to sell out. (And here it is on iTunes for all you Apple lovers.)
*  *  *  *  *
Chris has been talking to himself a lot lately. Or so I thought. Our house is large enough that one person can have a conversation without the other one hearing clearly,  but not large enough to provide complete sound proofing. So lately as I've been sitting in the living room, contemplating world hunger, I keep hearing muffled talking from the other wing of the house.

"What are you saying?" I yell to him.

"Nothing!" he'll yell back.

So I assumed he was talking to himself, and I thought nothing of it because he's slowly becoming a mad scientist, and I'm cool with it.

But then it happened when I was in the same room with him. "I'm on my way. Are you there yet?" he said as we were leaving the house to meet friends.

"What?" I said. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," he said, putting his phone away. "I was just texting."

"No, you were speaking. That's literally not texting."

He explained that he'd just discovered the voice activation button on his phone, a full year after purchasing it. Lord help us all.

 No, I couldn't have at least wiped the screens down before taking this photo. I am busy.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Food I Don't Understand

Eating is an important part of being a human being, namely an American human being, and Lord knows I do a lot of it. But I would never call myself a foodie, partly because I spend so much time eating generic chocolate chips straight from the bag, and partly because I just don't understand many types of food, such as Cajun sushi and pho. Here's what else baffles my gustatory experience:

This is me eating.

Artichokes
I bought an artichoke in the produce department with the intention of cooking it and eating it. A girl in line behind me at the checkout asked if I was "like, making your own artichoke dip or something?" After experiencing the cooking and eating of a whole artichoke, I can safely tell you that I have no clue how artichoke dip could possibly be made. In order to get actual food from an artichoke, you need to rip it to shreds, gnaw on the leaves, scrape your teeth agains the meat, and then not even swallow because there's no actual food in your mouth. As I worked my way through the artichoke, eating what was probably inedible plant fiber, I consoled myself with the fact that I would eventually get to the heart. However, when I got there, it was covered in what I can only describe as cilia and the size of a garlic clove. It tasted like the rest of the inedible plant fiber too. At the end of the day, eating an artichoke is just too much work for me. If I wanted to work for my food I would take up hunting or become an indentured servant.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I'm Not Pregnant, But...

It's been ages since I announced that there would be a big announcement, and finally, the time has come for me to announce that the announcement is happening today. As in, right now.

And while I'm not announcing a pregnancy (seriously, I'm not), I have been sitting on this secret for almost three months. Okay drumroll please.

The secret is...

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Reasons I'm Upset Right Now

Not to be negative or anything, but I hate the world right now. You think that's a little harsh? Overdramatic? Well, then you must not be aware that Avril Lavigne married Chad Kroeger this week. The two patriotic love birds thought it would be romantic to get married on Canada Day, which I can only assume is a knockoff of the 4th of July?? (Kidding, angry Canadians! Don't worry, I know what Canada Day is. I have access to Wikipedia.) Anyway, the fact that they got married isn't what's making me hate the world. In fact, I love the poetry of it all. They make a great couple. What I'm upset about is how awesome their wedding sounded. First off, their wedding lasted like 5 days. I know that's how it works when you're a celebrity, but I didn't realize these two counted.

 Image via People

Monday, July 1, 2013

A TV Show for Every Occupation

When people complain about shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, The Bachelorette, and the late, great Simple Life series, I tend to get a little annoyed. You see, at least these shows can teach you about important life skills like dressing oneself or milking a cow. At least you'll be better prepared for bar trivia after watching a few E! marathons. The same can not be said for all television shows.

 Image via Wikipedia

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Create Education Better

I know I'm really late on this, but I just have to quickly weigh in on the Miss Utah controversy.



During the interview portion of the Miss USA pageant, Marisa Powell gave a barely coherent answer relating to the pay gap, smiling sheepishly in the middle of her answer as if acknowledging that she knows she sounds like an idiot. America skewered her for it.

I would just like to say, Marisa Powell, that I feel ya. I sound like this every time I talk to anyone. Which is why I write.

I commend you.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Getting a Haircut is Awkward

If I didn't know any better, I would accuse myself of purposely creating awkward experiences just for the blog fodder. I can't get through a day without doing something humiliating. I can't even get a haircut without it being the most awkward experience of my life.

So last week I decided to get a haircut, and I was already really nervous to go because I had to drive on the highway and park downtown all alone, and driving terrifies me for no reason. So when I managed to get there on time without crashing my car or getting a moving violation, I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, the driving was the least of my worries.

1:58 PM The receptionist has me fill out a new client questionnaire that includes questions like "what do you love about your hair?" and "what activities do you enjoy?" I couldn't fit all of my answers to the first question, and I had trouble coming up with answers for the second one. Does gazing lovingly at my hair in the mirror count as an activity?

2:00 PM I ask the receptionist where the bathroom is. She dictates a series of hallways and turns to take, and doors to open, and somehow I comprehend none of what she says. Instead, I find myself wandering through their spa and come this close to opening the door of one of their spa rooms, which probably housed a naked person getting a sensual, naked massage. I'm glad I thought better of that.

Could you find the bathroom in this hallway? No.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Things I Did in California

Watched this bird attack a bread bowl.

Attacked a bread bowl myself, right after I finished attacking the clam chowder that it held, before which I had proclaimed my inability to ever finish it.

Saw some sea lions in love.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Missing Blogger Returns to Blogosphere

The internet was abuzz Friday after popular humor blogger, Karisa Tells All, went more than a week without publishing a post. Karisa, devastatingly beautiful and with intimidatingly shiny hair, is one of the mainstays of the internet blogging community.

"It's the first blog I read in the morning and the last I check at night," one reader said. "Her writing just speaks to me, you know?"

Often compared to the genius of Ernest Hemingway and Tina Fey, Karisa's writing has been known to provoke a chuckle, a titter or even a chortle from anyone who clicked through.

"I legit can't even handle it," another reader said. "No one else could deconstruct Nickelback so eloquently. No one else could write so honestly, dare I say poignantly, about tripping and falling."

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Woe is Me

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel sad for no reason, which is the worst because there's nothing I can do to make it better, and I can't even say "if only this were different, I'd be happy." If my job sucked, I'd start looking elsewhere. If it were my marriage, I'd talk to my husband or get counseling. If I felt self conscious about my post-wedding weight gain, I'd eat pie and consider exercising. If my house were being taken over by spiders, I'd call Ghostbusters/the Orkin Man.

But aside from the spiders, I don't really have any tangible problems. I'm just in a general state of malaise. Whenever I get into these funks, the scariest part is that I can't imagine ever getting out. Since there's no real cause or problem, there's no solution either. But of course that's not true.

Image via Animal-Space
I know I've already used this photo, but it was worth reusing.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Bachelorette Lookalikes and Things I Didn't Think

I decided to start watching The Bachelor last season after a decade-long hiatus. That's right, it had been a literal decade since I last watched the show. During Sean's season, I fell asleep nearly every episode (again, I'm speaking literally) so I never blogged about it. This season of The Bachelorette, however, is shaping up to be amazing, judging by the first episode. Between the insufferable bachelorette Desiree and the parade of rodeo clowns who tumbled out of limos, one after the other, I haven't seen a Bachelorette premier this entertaining since, well, 2003. While I was watching, I had some thoughts. First, my reactions to the men:

All of the men look the same.
Is that racist of me, even though I'm white and most of them are also white? I can honestly say that pretty much all men look the same to me, especially on this show. For instance:

How are these different people?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

If I Went to Therapy

I felt pretty good about myself after slaying Pete single-handedly. I thought "Hey, maybe my fear of spiders isn't so bad after all." After I posted about The Spider Incident, Chris and I went down to the basement to watch a movie, and I went to check on Pete's rotting carcass in the windowsill.

 I expected to see this.

"How's Pete doing?" I asked.

"Are you sure he's dead?" Chris said.

"Yeah, trust me, he's dead. Look at his rotting carcass! He's obviously dead!"

"Really? He's still in his web though..."

As Chris ran back upstairs to grab something he'd forgotten, I realized what he'd been looking at, and it wasn't Pete. There was another, bigger, badder spider living in that windowsill. He had probably commandeered Pete's web like the thieving bastard he was.

This is what he looked like.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

All the Times I've Tripped and Fallen

It was Christmas night. The family festivities had died down, and a friend called to see if I wanted to grab a drink.Christmas was one of the few times old friends were all in the same town again, so I went out. The bar was packed, there was a live band, and the place wasn't closing until 4 AM. Apparently lots of people drink their feelings on Christmas night.


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Writing Elsewhere

I've been doing some writing for Thought Catalog lately, so if you just can't get enough of me, here are 5 other things I've written that you may not have seen:

This picture has nothing to do with anything.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

25 Questions I'd Like a Definitive Answer To

Throughout my life, I have had many questions about the world. Some of them were simple
questions that my parents could answer. For some, I learned the answers in school. Some were
taken care of with a quick Google search. But for many of my questions, I have been unable
to get a straight answer out of anyone. I get a different answer from one person to the next;
everyone seems confused, and rumors fly with abandon. Well, I’m sick of it. It’s time I got a
definitive answer to these questions.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

That Time I Tweeted Nissan

I bought a brand new car two years ago, and even though my husband and I share the car now, it's technically only mine. I tried to add him to the account after we got married, but I was too incompetent to figure out how to do it, so I gave up. The bills come to only me, and when Nissan inevitably screws something up with my billing, only I have the authority to fix it. And given my history of incompetence with adult things (see two sentences ago), this has proven unfortunate.