Monday, December 12, 2011

The Top 6 Worst Offenses in Christmas Lyric Writing

There's nothing I love more than dwelling on the worst parts of each holiday. There's just something so festive about pointing out those holiday black sheep that don't seem to fit in with the warm/fuzzy parts. Sure, hot cocoa by the fire while grandpa reads Twas the Night Before Christmas is idyllic and classic, but grandma getting run over by a reindeer is just so much more realistic. This year I've realized that there are actually a bunch of messed up Christmas songs out there, and I'm not even talking about really obscure songs like Uncle Johnny's Glass Eye. I all but guarantee you've heard the following horrifying song lyrics before.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:

There's something so bizarre about a child peeping on his mom and jolly ol' Saint Nick. Why is his mom cheating on his dad? Why would she choose a fat, red-suited man with cookie crumbs in his beard to do it with? Why does mommy "tickle Santa Clause/Underneath his beard so snowy white?" And why does the child think it would be "a laugh" if daddy had discovered them?? The only thing that could possibly make these lyrics worse is hearing Michael Jackson's childhood voice shouting "I did see Mama kissing Santa Claus! You gotta believe me!"

Santa Baby:

In the same vein, any song that involves the phrases "Santa baby," "Santa honey," or the worst offender, "Santa cutie," is creepy in my book. There's just nothing sexy about a man who looks like Rip Van Winkle. There's a reason children always cry when they sit on his lap. Thinking about someone flirting with him in exchange for a duplex and checks makes me really regret ever sitting on his lecherous lap.

Do They Know It's Christmas: 

This seems to be the absolute worst execution of a fund-raiser in history. Bringing awareness to a famine by pointing out that the famine-struck may not even know about the amazing time all of us rich folk are having? I'm not so sure they would know that it's Christmas time, considering they're not part of Western civilization and all. Someone should tell Bono that there are other cultures in the world. And that he sounds like an ass singing "Tonight thank God it's them/instead of you." And that U2 sucks.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

"He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake." Much has already been said about how effing scary this is. When I was a kid and believed in Santa Claus, it scared the shit out of me. If he sees me sleeping, does he also see me peeing? If he knows when I'm awake, does he also know when I'm picking a wedgie? If he truly knows if I've been bad or good...why did he keep bringing me presents?

Christmas Shoes:

Very few things annoy me more than unnecessarily sad movies and songs. This little gem is unfortunately both a movie and a song, and it may very well be an email chain letter as well. Besides the fact that it's unnecessarily sad, it just doesn't make sense that you would spend you life savings on a pair of hideous shoes to put on a woman who won't be able to wear them for more than a few hours. Also what happened to Rob Lowe? He used to be hot.

Any song by Regis Philbin: 

Why does he have a Christmas album? Why does he sing? Why does he look the same as he did 15 years ago?

This is just a small sampling of the horrifying song lyrics I jovially sing along to when I have The Lite turned on. Which is to say, all the damn time. Which songs am I missing?


  1. Please tell me you've heard Michael Buble trying in vain to make "Santa Baby" masculine:

  2. How could you not include "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer"?


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