Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Top 5 Things To Love About Guilty Pleasures

I sat down on the couch just now with a laptop in one hand, a remote control in the other, and a glass of Carlo Rossi dangling precariously from my teef. Basically, it’s my ideal night. I scrolled through the DVR in search of a Carlo Rossi worthy show, and realized I didn’t have anything recorded that I would feel comfortable admitting to watching. Every show I watch has to meet 3 criteria: it must be a reality show, the stars of the show must have significantly worse lives than me, and every character must be impossibly unlikable.

Right now, I’m watching a woman with an unidentifiable, vaguely East coast accent yell at her lipless hoe-bag daughter for being too hung over to care for her child. Teen Mom just reminds me of all of the opportunities for motherhood that I squandered when I was a teen.

So why is it that I waste my life away watching the most unfortunate people in America get rich off their inadequacies? Why are guilty pleasures so alluring? And why am incapable of enjoying a TV show that has any sort of cinematic integrity? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?

Top 5 Things To Love About Guilty Pleasures

  1. I spend all day thinking—what should I wear to work, when should I eat my morning granola bar, boxers or briefs—so it’s nice to shut the ol’ gray matter down for the evening. (Even with my brain on snooze, I’m still smarter than the unitards gallivanting across the boob tube anyway.)

  2. The way I see it, there are 3 types of people in the world: those who can’t stand crappy television, music, food, etc., those who watch and enjoy guilty pleasures “ironically,” and those who are too dumb to know the meaning of “ironically” and are vying for a spot on next season’s “So You Think You Can Talk with a Southern Accent.” Two of these 3 types of people are miserable, so I choose the group that is content. Unfortunately, that means I must do things “ironically.”

  3. Observing Snooki’s oddly misshapen weeble bod writhe across a beer-soaked dance floor makes me feel so much better about myself. Listening to the incomprehensible mumbling of the hillbilly baby daddies on 16 and Pregnant, watching the girls on Bridalplasty fight for boob jobs, and seeing which high-heeled hoe gets a rose just makes my life look like the bomb.com.

  4. Reality show producers are somehow even more genius than legitimate television executives, because they find a way to make anything interesting, even people fighting over abandoned storage units. And who would have thought I’d enjoy watching some sweaty guy gorge himself on brisket?

  5. It seems so wrong, but it feels so right.