You’ve all been to that blog called People of Walmart, right? There are all these different varieties and subcategories of Walmart denizens, documented efficiently and conveniently in one spot. Well, I think the same should happen for Pink Floyd concert goers. If you know anything about life, you know the types of people you would expect to see at a Pink Floyd concert. As someone who attended a Roger Waters concert in Chicago last week, I can safely assure you that the clientele was exactly as you would expect.
Type 1: Moms who want to remind themselves and everyone else that they used to be cool
Is it just me, or does every mom have this hair?
Before stretch marks, mom jeans, Martha Stewart hair, mini-vans, and dirty dishes took over their lives, these women were groovy. They dated garage band musicians, sometimes stayed out past 10 o’clock, and participated in Vietnam War protesting lite. Pink Floyd reminds them of their glory days when the government was not to be trusted and recreational drug use was something to “experiment” with, instead of something to “just say no” to. These moms have even been known to say “I used to be cool, ya know,” to their kids. “I used to groove to Floyd! I listened to that music before you were even a twinkle in the milk man’s eye!” At the concert last week, these moms wore an alarming combination of high-waisted, pleated, tapered jeans and Floyd t-shirts they’d probably purchased at Kohls for the occasion. They showed up in groups or with their reluctant, republican husbands and, for a minute, remembered what they used to live for before procreation ruined their chances at a halfway decent life.
Type 2: High school boys who feel that Pink Floyd lyrics really get what they’re going through
Don't even try to understand him. He is misunderstood.
High school boys of this variety (usually the offspring of the aforementioned moms) can be identified by their long hair and Dark Side of the Moon t-shirts, which they wear through the halls of “that hell-hole” of a high school they attend. Despite the strong anti-Apple undertones in last week’s concert, they are never seen without ear buds blasting Floyd loud enough that posers can hear and be jealous that they’re not cool enough to like Pink Floyd music. They carve anarchy symbols into the desks at school, oblivious to any and all political science theories about the effectiveness of anarchy, never having paid attention in government class. All these boys know about government is that it’s bad. They can’t tell what’s better, anarchy or communism, but either one has to be better than what we’ve got. These high school boys express their love of Floyd and their superiority for liking their music through status updates filled with obscure lyrics. If you haven’t heard of a song they quote and you’re stupid enough to ask “what does this mean?” they’ll respond with “You’ve never heard this song before…?” The kiss of death.Type 3: Alternative/Hipster Guys
You know what, dude? You both have the same hair, so STFU.
If I had a dollar for every guy I saw at this concert with ironic facial hair and jeans that bordered on jeggings territory, I’d have about enough money to pay for a ticket to that concert. These guys are cool mostly because they’re not you. Their M.O. is similar to that of the high school boys’, in that no one understands their plight save for a few aging British rockers whose lyrics really speak to them. The difference is that the high school boys are mainly terrified of uncool people, whereas the hipsters are more concerned with the intellectual degradation of society. I mean, at least Pink Floyd songs talk about real world issues unlike that damn Justin Beiber, they’ll argue. Not that they’ve ever heard any of his songs…That’s his name, right? Bieber? They wouldn’t know because they’re too busy making sure to avoid modern day pop culture. See How to Be Cool.Type 4: Ex-sorority girls and other beautiful types
You know that time Paris Hilton dated "punk" "rocker" Benji Madden? It's the same concept.
They heard it was cool to like Pink Floyd. They lived through high school, observing all the cool shaggy-haired hotties carving miscellaneous political messages into the desks, and then they dated a few hipsters whose blatant disdain for their Miley Cyrus affinity only turned them on more. In order to attract more v-neck-wearing, mustache-waxing douchebags, these girls have to be proactive and seek out these rarest roses in their natural habitat. And when asked what they like most about Pink Floyd, their response is invariable “their music is, like, so deep and so meaningful. And I just love all the fireworks and stuff!”
Type 5: Middle aged people who smoke more than they eat and probably drove down from Wisconsin
This is what lives in Wisconsin, in case you've never been.
Sorry to throw my neighboring Midwesterners under the bus, but it’s true. You’re all poorly dressed with 80s hair and bad teeth. These people have scary, scratchy voices from literally decades of puffing on cigs, and they use these voices to their advantages when verbally abusing their children and forcing them to fetch another can of beer for them. If I had liked Pink Floyd back in the 70s, I would much rather have become a member of the mom-jeans mafia than this scary group. Since I live in Illinois and not Wisconsin, I’m guessing that I would have gotten my wish. Oh, by the way, it wasn’t cigarettes they were smoking at the concert last week.Did you like Pink Floyd back in the day? Do you own a Dark Side of the Moon T-shirt? (if so, get out)