Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How to Have a Horrifying Halloween

Okay, I get that everybody loves Halloween. What’s not to love? If you’re a kid you get to dress up as something totally disgusting and creepy, eat all the candy you want, and egg Mr. Wilson’s house. If you’re an adult, you get to dress up as something totally disgusting and slutty, drink all the Halloween cocktails you want and…well, that’s about it. But I like talking about the bad sides of stuff. So you can use this guide to determine what not to do this Halloween, or if you’re a sadist, you can follow my advice exactly.

Eat the Most Horrifying Candy:

Candy corn looks so innocent and colorful, but what they don’t tell you is that it tastes like ASS. And don’t even get me started on those little pumpkin things. WHAT THE HECK?

I’ll personally be out in full forces with the best of the 12-year-olds this Halloween night, so I’ll have easy access to every variety of candy. But even if you’d rather sit at home listening to the Monster Mash, you’ll probably indulge in some sort of Halloween candy that will plunge you into a tunnel of despair so deep that only more candy or perhaps a bowl of ice cream could cure it. If you’d like to have a truly horrifying Halloween, make sure you eat extra Tootsie Rolls, Necco Wafers, and Fun Dip. Check out this article on the Top Ten Worst Halloween Candies for more tips.

Wear a Horrifying Costume:

You truly haven’t lived until you’ve done a keg stand dressed as Big Bird.

Try to restrain yourself from buying a bed intruder costume (it’s a daily struggle for me as well) or a Snooki wig or even last year’s Kate Gosselin costume on clearance. If you want to have a truly horrifying Halloween, you’ll need to slut it up a little bit more. And no, your kindergarten French maid costume and your slutty clown costume from ’08 are not going to cut it. I’m talking slutty AND scary, like, say a Sassy Cookie Monster or an “I’ll-Tickle-You-There Elmo.”

Stay Home and Wallow in Self Pity:

SJP was lookin fly, even in ’93! Okay fine, she does look like a foot.

If you wanna go truly horrifying this Halloween, I suggest your park your La-Z-Boy near your front window and settle in for a long night of Hocus Pocus and Halloweentown II: Kalabar's Revenge, all the while staring down the little brats who audaciously ring your bell. Might I also suggest you fill a bowl with candy and cradle it lovingly as your eat every last morsel during your G-rated Halloween marathon, never bothering to get up off your Ms. Fat Booty to answer the door.

Or Have a Sad Night on the Town:
This picture never ceases to amuse me. I haven’t been sad since I first discovered it last April.

If your life in general is already horrifying enough that you’ve already seen both Hocus Pocus and Halloweentown this year, then I suggest you go out. Make sure you wear one of the aforementioned horrifying costumes and spend the night bumpin’ and grindin’ to "The Monster Mash," "Thriller," and the Ghostbusters song. For added horror, why not chat up a hottie wearing a chicken suit or a banana costume. And if you really want to go to the extreme, dance with both a chicken AND a banana, then let them brawl with each other over your true love and devotion, because remember: there is nothing funnier IN THE WORLD than a man in a chicken suit fighting with a man in a banana costume.


  1. YES. Kari, this one was really funny. Thank you!

  2. I love tootsie rolls, this blog entry is offensive - so are candy corn and those pumpkin things.

  3. I hate Halloween :( Every girl is dressed like a cheap prostitute.

  4. Ah man, I love candy corn/. I'm eating some at the present. But that chicken picture made me happy too. I hope you had no hocus pocus in your halloween!


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