Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Stupid Crap “Recording Artists” Do

I don’t know what’s more of a euphemism, calling the likes of Jason Derulo a recording artist or calling him a musician. On the one hand, “recording artist” reeks a little of “custodial engineer.” Can we just call a spade a spade and admit that “Jason Derulo” and “artist” should never be used in the same sentence again? On the other hand, “musician” implies that the person creates music, not that the person cranks out some flat notes that get auto-tuned.

My long commutes to and from work mean a lot of radio-listening time, and I seem to be attracted to the worst possible music. Like, music that’s so bad it offends me that it considers itself music (I’m gonna go ahead and cite Jason Derulo again). Through my hours and hours of masochistic “music” consumption, I’ve noticed a trend in the music industry—namely, recording artists do a lot of stupid crap.

Saying Their Own Name
I hate to keep mentioning Jason Derulo, especially since I’ve never even wiki-ed him, but what the heck is wrong with him? Every song he does starts with “Jason Deruuuulo!”


Just watch/listen to the first 6 seconds of this video to hear what I’m talking about. Feel free to turn it off after that; I know I did.

Other offenders of this gaffe are the Backstreet Boys, India.Arie, and Mike Jones.


Again, only watch the first 10 seconds. What kind of a name is Mike Jones anyway? If you're going to say your name in a song, it better not be Mike Jones! That's the name of an uncle or something.

Rhyming a Word with Itself
I already ripped JT a new one
for rhyming “errors” with “areas,” but at least he tried. Kid Rock, on the other hand, does not try. One day he’s brawling in a waffle house, and the very next he’s rhyming “thing” with “thing.” In his song “All Summer Long,” in which he defiles both “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London,” he croons the lines: “While we were trying different things/We were smoking funny things.” And he expects us not to notice that it’s the same word? (Admittedly, I didn’t notice until I’d heard the song a couple hundred times, but still.) He also expects us not to question what kinds of things he’s smoking? How many different things are there to smoke? I can only think of like five things, and that’s including oregano.

Making Random Sounds to Avoid Writing Actual Lyrics
I have to give my homie Lauren credit for this one, as she’s the original whistle-blower. But what is it about hip-hop songs and what sounds like a group of thugs standing in a cluster shouting “Eyyyyy!”?


I decided that the country music version of this idiocy is the “Yeeaaahhh-eeeee!”


Do yourself a huge favor and don’t watch this whole video. I did, and I regret it immensely. Just skip to the end (around 3:52) to hear it. Also check out 1:11 for a good laugh.

County singers also like to say random crap like “Grab me another beer, Mama,” and “I’ll cut a rug!” when there’s a musical interlude.

Singing about Being Famous
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this. I mean, you should write what you know, right? That is, if you’re actually writing your own music, which these “recording artists” sure as hell aren’t. Britney Spears’s “Piece of Me” comes to mind, where she waxes poetic about being “Miss American Dream since I was 17” and having “Pictures of my derriere in the magazine.” And don’t even get me started on Reba McIntyre’s “Turn on the Radio.” The title itself is too much for me. She spends the entire song talking about how you can hear her on the radio or some crap, a fact that is painfully obvious to me seeing as I can’t turn on the radio without hearing this awful song.

What other stupid crap do “recording artists” try to pull?