Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Worst Commenters on the Entire Internet. Ever.

Remember back in the day when we could spew whatever hateful sludge we wanted on the internet without worrying that anyone would ever find us? I used to write all kinds of messed up stuff—posting message board threads on Neopets asking if anyone was interested in “secks,” and then verbally abusing anyone who took the bait, answering m/f/18/ca when I was asked a/s/l, sending vitriolic (yet very articulate) hate email to the bonsai kitty guy…


But now that there are cyberbullying laws in effect, and I’m aware of things like IP addresses, analytics software, and the myriad other ways that the internet is basically just like that movie Sliver, I’ve toned down my spamming, trolling, idiotic ways. And perhaps a decade of alleged maturity has played a part as well.

However, just because I am no long personally contributing to the degradation of the internet (unless you count the detriments of this blog), it doesn’t mean there isn’t a veritable cornucopia of unitards out there picking up where I left off. So where do the worst of the worst go to rear their ugly, dare I say fugly, keyboards?


YouTube

YouTube commenters were voted the #1 worst thing on the internet in a recent Buzzfeed poll. Not the worst commenters; the worst thing. On the entire internet. This coming from people who have experienced Goatse (I’m not linking to that), Chris Crocker, and Myspace. Incidentally, the same people who voted in this poll are the people who leave those horrifyingly ungrammatical, unreasonably spiteful comments on people’s innocent Double Rainbow videos. All you have to do to fit in with the YouTube crowd is to say “OMGGG” and “lol” a lot, and also accuse everyone of being gay and mistake the word “your” for “you’re.” Every. Single. Time.

IMDB

It seems that the worst Twilight, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter et al. fans are all active members of the IMDB message boards. Usually they argue about which emaciated heartthrob was heartthrobier, Edward vs. Jacob vs. Cedric Diggory vs. Frodo Baggins, etc. Or a Twihard will skip over to the HP forum to announce all of the reasons why Stephenie Meyer’s writing is superior to J. K. Rowling’s. IMDB shippers also like to play stupid message board games like “which two characters would be best/worst together” and “who would win in a fight, Gandalf or Ganondorf?” The worst part? Every IMDB commenter has a signature set up with quotes from their favorite fantasy flicks and lot’s of swirly patterns made out of punctuation marks.


I'm sorry.


Cracked.com

I think the same people who read Cracked are the ones who spend their Saturday nights clicking through YouTube and typing their way to hypertension. These people are ruthless, chastising every hilarious article for just not being hilarious enough, not being misogynist enough, or not including enough dick jokes or cleavage shots. God help the female columnist who innocently contributes an article only to receive comments such as “This is why women belong in the kitchen” and “your gay.”


Typical Cracked commenter. It's a shame they hate women so much because...yowza.


Perez Hilton

The first hundred or so comments are just people saying “FIRST!” because they mistakenly believe they are the first person to post a comment. But, as the rules of mathematics annoyingly dictate, only one of them is actually first, and every single one of them ends up looking like an assy idiot. The rest of the comments just say “what a whore” or “I love you Perez!” or “*******Check out these pix of hot local girls I found! Click HERE********” Surprisingly, the “what a whore” comments are the only ones that mean…anything.


But seriously. What a whore.

I know all of my readers are going to overzealously type angry comments about all the internet nooks and crannies I neglected to mention. So enlighten me. What websites that you frequent have even worse comments than these?



6 comments:

  1. I got my first troll comment on my blog today, and I will be the first to admit that I was seriously pumped about it. Someone must have stumbled over from Cracked because I got called ugly and fat for calling Chad Kreuger a douchebag. Which is the truth, of course.

    I rarely take the time to read the comments on Youtube, But I should probably be honest and say that before I started blogging, I spent an unhealthy amount of time on IMDB making smartass retorts to people on the Scrubs message board who had never seen the show- but were ready to spout out Grey's Anatomy's superiority. Sooo much fun.

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  2. I would probably replace 'cracked' with '4chan' because most of cracked is spam anyway. and OMG BONSAI KITTY GUY....THAT WAS 1/2 MY INPUT

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  3. U r teh WerSTest bloggr EVaR!!11!

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. kari i miss your face so please blog more so i can stalk you better. thanks.

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  6. Ok I know this post is from August, but I gotta say - I can't read your blog in class anymore because I keep laughing out loud and no one's going to believe that I'm laughing at the Rules of Civil Procedure.

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