Sunday, August 22, 2010

4 Trends I Guarantee You'll Regret

There was once a time when I thought pairing a sweater vest with coordinating stirrup leggings would make me a better person. I distinctly recall telling someone that I thought the coolest way to dress was to tie a flannel shirt around your waist over a white t-shirt.

Courtney Love was always who I turned to for fashionspiration.

Throughout the 90s, no hair accessory aisle at Walgreens went unsearched in my quest for butterfly hair clips, and when I finally curated an adequate collection, I had no qualms about wearing them to school, to the mall, on holidays, even at church. I mixed sparkly clips with metallic clips and mini clips, and even butterfly clips that were shaped like dragon flies (is nothing sacred anymore?). All the while I thought “I am cool because of my sweater vest/stirrup pants/butterfly clips.”

The faux corn rows really helped bring butterfly clips to the mainstream.

If you’re a decent human being, I’m sure you realize the irony in the fact that I was, indeed, cool in spite of my fashion decisions, not because of them. Why do we regret buying into stupid trends but continue to follow them even as we cringe at our past self’s forage into high-heeled gym shoes (and by “we” I supposed I mean me)? I started thinking about what terrible trends I could possibly be following right now that will humiliate me in future years. Unfortunately, I came up with quite a few.

1. Big Hair:

I craved this kind of poof symmetry!

I attempted the bangs poof for most of high school and college, though I never seemed to get it quite right. I think that makes me worse though because that’s like saying “I tried to make my jeans look acid washed but I even failed at that.” I already told you I’ve worn bump-its in public and also done (less guidette) variations on the Snooki (although mostly in the privacy of my own dorm. Let’s not get too upset here).

2. Leggings:

She'll regret this.

I regret wearing them in the 90s, so why am I wearing them now? In fact, why am I wearing them while I point and laugh at pictures of my childhood self wearing them? Sure, there’s no stirrup in sight, but they’re still leggings for God’s sake. Thankfully I never wore leggings in place of pants and I never wore metallic leggings or jeggings. But there’s still time…

3. Enormous Hair Accessories:

Why can’t I find one this size anywhere? I sense a DIY project…

Every time I put a giant bow, flower, or other monstrosity in my hair, I just know that my children will laugh at pictures of me wearing it. Yet I wear them anyway, and I still feel like I’m a better person for it. I learned nothing from Butterfly Clipgate.

4. Gladiator Sandals:

Just try to resist their allure! You will FAIL.

I tried really hard not to like these. They’re unflattering, uncomfortable, weird-tan-line-inducing, man repellents. I don’t even think they’re pretty or cute or pleasing to the eye. And yet, somewhere along the way, I decided I needed some. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve never worn sandal boots or Goliath straps all over my feet. But I did break down and buy these. Give it a few years and I’ll regret that purchase more than I regret passing on the opportunity to see BSB in concert.

I conducted some scientific research into the matter, and here is a summation of the results, in case you're interested:

The Rise and Fall of the Gladiator Sandal (OR, How Terrible Trends Happen)

What trends do you regret wearing in public? What trends are you wearing right now that you're already ashamed of?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Worst Commenters on the Entire Internet. Ever.

Remember back in the day when we could spew whatever hateful sludge we wanted on the internet without worrying that anyone would ever find us? I used to write all kinds of messed up stuff—posting message board threads on Neopets asking if anyone was interested in “secks,” and then verbally abusing anyone who took the bait, answering m/f/18/ca when I was asked a/s/l, sending vitriolic (yet very articulate) hate email to the bonsai kitty guy…

But now that there are cyberbullying laws in effect, and I’m aware of things like IP addresses, analytics software, and the myriad other ways that the internet is basically just like that movie Sliver, I’ve toned down my spamming, trolling, idiotic ways. And perhaps a decade of alleged maturity has played a part as well.

However, just because I am no long personally contributing to the degradation of the internet (unless you count the detriments of this blog), it doesn’t mean there isn’t a veritable cornucopia of unitards out there picking up where I left off. So where do the worst of the worst go to rear their ugly, dare I say fugly, keyboards?


YouTube commenters were voted the #1 worst thing on the internet in a recent Buzzfeed poll. Not the worst commenters; the worst thing. On the entire internet. This coming from people who have experienced Goatse (I’m not linking to that), Chris Crocker, and Myspace. Incidentally, the same people who voted in this poll are the people who leave those horrifyingly ungrammatical, unreasonably spiteful comments on people’s innocent Double Rainbow videos. All you have to do to fit in with the YouTube crowd is to say “OMGGG” and “lol” a lot, and also accuse everyone of being gay and mistake the word “your” for “you’re.” Every. Single. Time.


It seems that the worst Twilight, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter et al. fans are all active members of the IMDB message boards. Usually they argue about which emaciated heartthrob was heartthrobier, Edward vs. Jacob vs. Cedric Diggory vs. Frodo Baggins, etc. Or a Twihard will skip over to the HP forum to announce all of the reasons why Stephenie Meyer’s writing is superior to J. K. Rowling’s. IMDB shippers also like to play stupid message board games like “which two characters would be best/worst together” and “who would win in a fight, Gandalf or Ganondorf?” The worst part? Every IMDB commenter has a signature set up with quotes from their favorite fantasy flicks and lot’s of swirly patterns made out of punctuation marks.

I'm sorry.

I think the same people who read Cracked are the ones who spend their Saturday nights clicking through YouTube and typing their way to hypertension. These people are ruthless, chastising every hilarious article for just not being hilarious enough, not being misogynist enough, or not including enough dick jokes or cleavage shots. God help the female columnist who innocently contributes an article only to receive comments such as “This is why women belong in the kitchen” and “your gay.”

Typical Cracked commenter. It's a shame they hate women so much because...yowza.

Perez Hilton

The first hundred or so comments are just people saying “FIRST!” because they mistakenly believe they are the first person to post a comment. But, as the rules of mathematics annoyingly dictate, only one of them is actually first, and every single one of them ends up looking like an assy idiot. The rest of the comments just say “what a whore” or “I love you Perez!” or “*******Check out these pix of hot local girls I found! Click HERE********” Surprisingly, the “what a whore” comments are the only ones that mean…anything.

But seriously. What a whore.

I know all of my readers are going to overzealously type angry comments about all the internet nooks and crannies I neglected to mention. So enlighten me. What websites that you frequent have even worse comments than these?