1. Oohing and Aahing ironically
I get it—it’s fun to laugh at the idiots who are actually in awe of the fireworks year after year. But it’s hard to actually hear the idiots oohing and ahhing when there are so many people doing so ironically. It’s gotten to the point where the only oohing and ahhing going on is from these would-be comedians, so there’s no one left to make fun of.
2. Describing what each type of firework looks like
Yes, they look like sperm when they’re being launched, and yes, they look like spiders after they’ve exploded. Say it once and move on. Plus, it’s not like they’ve made any major pyrotechnic advances recently, so there can’t possibly be new fireworks that you haven’t seen before.
3. Picking a favorite type of firework
No one cares which one you like best. And if you insist on telling us, you only need to tell us you like the “swirly ones with the colors and the loud bang” once, not each time they shoot one of those off.
4. Saying “Okay folks, that’s the show!” every time there’s a lull
Sometimes the fireworks don’t come one after the other; sometimes one of the fireworks launchers gets distracted by a hot chick wearing an LRWBD (little red, white, and blue dress) and the audience has to suffer a brief pause without anything to ironically ooh and ahh over. That doesn’t mean you have the right to add to our suffering by making terrible jokes about how the show was really short this year.
5. PDA-ing on the lawn
Something about chemicals reacting and exploding in a tube, cascading ashes and miscellaneous debris on everyone, makes you really think about what’s important in life, ie. rolling around in the grass with your ball-and-chain, getting grass stains on your LRWBD.
Are you guilty of these offenses?